Worst marraige counselor ever!

[Oxford1]

Well the other night I told the wife rather than having to get a divorce and go through a custody battle for our daughter lets give counseling a try. Worst mistake ever, or rather I picked a bad one. This lady I don't even remember how I found her but by the end of the night she basically told my wife that her EA was justified and that even though he is 22 and she is 35 she sees no reason why it can't work out. It took every last bit of restraint I had not to blow up on this woman. I could barely contain myself. Luckily she knew I was upset and did not charge me for the session. Unbelievable though. Be careful which counselors you choose and read their reviews.

I talked to another one just yesterday who had good reviews and he flat out told me that he won't see couples where their is an ongoing affair. I told him that he was a smart man. I mean how in the hell are you able to get counseling and start working on your marriage if your spouse is unwilling to end their affair. It's impossible.

I don't want to quibble with you b/c your main point (lousy marriage counselors) is a valid one. There are some really lousy counselors out there, who ought to be called "divorce counsellors" instead of marriage counselors.

Anyhow, I just wanted to say that SOME couples do work on their marriages while an OP exists (and then sometimes, the OP goes away.)

Not all partners can end the A before they see change in their spouses...they fear that the spouse will simply revert back to their old ways if they give up the OPs.
And in some cases the LBS would not have changed except for the OP becoming involved in their marriage. Like for instance, as an example, MAYBE you would not work on yourself at all, until you heard of OM...

Just a thought. I hope you can find a REAL marriage counsellor asap. Ask them if they are "solution based" and that way you won't spend all your time rehashing the past...

Our MC said if we did not see any changes in our own behaviors and interactions within 5-6 sessions, he was not the MC for us.

I think that's a decent guideline and I'd add this to it---if you don't get ANY good feedback or useful constructive comments within the first 2 sessions, I'd seek out another counselor. And btw, I can vouch for the DB coaches here. I had Vernetta and she was a Godsend for me/us.

She was Very specific w/detailed advice that was useful for me.

Just make sure you tell them the WHOLE story and answer their questions in full. If there are conflicts between what you hear on this board and what your dB coach says, go with the coach. But make sure you are telling the same things to both entities. Make sense?

Good luck!

I have to agree with 25 here. Our MC basically has become a relationship coach for us.
My wife and I where seeing her last year, but my wife was lying to both of us and said she had gone no contact.

After my wife ran off with OM I called MC who said she was going to fire us because she realized my wife was lying.

When we started the collaborative divorce, the Divorce Coach a licensed Forensic Psychologist suggested several COUNSELORS for my wife. The reason was at that time I was really sticking to what I read in DB. The WW became conflicted me vs OM.

She ended up seeing our former MC as An IC. She began to cry her heart and soul out to the psychologist. Who has a list of references of couples whose marriages she saved and rebuilt after affairs.

About two months in my wife had already moved back home but was still in her A. She asked the counselor if she would see me as well. ( I began to slip because as soon as I felt a connection to my wife I began the pick-me dance). She agreed and said she calls this type of therapy Relationship Coaching. We are a separated couple attempting to live together and she wants to keep peace for the sake of our children, but she did tell my wife she is pro marriage and her ultimate goal would be that we reconcile.

( by the way we cancelled the divorce for now and where never "legally separated".)
She has been a great help to me, better then my old IC that I paid thousands of dollars to and did nothing, never worked on ME, probably made me into the wreck that people on my thread saw me to be.

I am wondering if maybe this is an option for you and your WW.

My wife has delegated her OP to Closer than a friend but not a lover, she is afraid to give him up for to many reasons and it would just become a thread jack.

But, what I am saying is maybe using a DB coach as I have done plus if you can find a counselor who will see you both individually , hence getting to know you both, but also hoping to save your marriage, if that's what you really want.

It has been the most grueling ride of my life and I realize that you have to really love your spouse to fight for your marriage, otherwise it's a waste of energy.

Just my 2 cents.

[Oxford1]

Ok so this is one of the things I wanted to talk about but didn't get approved on the newcomers forum. One of the goals in db-ing is to make yourself the better choice. But my question is this, the guy who my wife is having her affair with is not only 22 years old but is a model and has a body that is damn near perfect, she wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore because I let my body go, but now that she's tasted forbidden pleasure and has enjoyed being with this younger man sexually how or why would she ever come back to me? Even if I get back down to my marriage weight I will never have a body like this guy. In that case how can I be the better man, sexually? Or even if she moves back with me will she always be longing for him?

That's a shallow approach from your wife. Woman are usually emotionally bonded.

In my case I am the guy your wife ran to. WW and I are the same age, my wife competed in Female Fitness Competitions and works out six days a week.

The man she is in the A with, is tall and gawky, has many physical ailments, pot belly looks 70 and he's 53, diabetic high blood pressure etc...but he was meeting something I was not.

Plus when she's with him she looks like a model and he looks like he's her sugar daddy, even though he earns 1/8 the money I do.

[Oxford1]

I read the MMSLP and while some of it is good, I'm pretty sure he's no expert. It's good info but it won't help your marriage enough. That's my opinion.

I agree, thing is everything in that book was my marriage we had an active sex life etc, and guess what she still had an affair.

I think the info in that book only works if your spouse is not an Independent self sufficient intelligent woman.

[Vince H]

Thanks for your post oxford1. Wow. That's all I have to say. I amazed that this is so common and can happen at any age really. And you are right. You have to really love your wife to go through all of this for her. I guess I will keep searching for a good mc, one that is solution based. Thank you.

[Vince H]

Ok so this is one of the things I wanted to talk about but didn't get approved on the newcomers forum. One of the goals in db-ing is to make yourself the better choice. But my question is this, the guy who my wife is having her affair with is not only 22 years old but is a model and has a body that is damn near perfect, she wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore because I let my body go, but now that she's tasted forbidden pleasure and has enjoyed being with this younger man sexually how or why would she ever come back to me? Even if I get back down to my marriage weight I will never have a body like this guy. In that case how can I be the better man, sexually? Or even if she moves back with me will she always be longing for him?

That's a shallow approach from your wife. Woman are usually emotionally bonded.

In my case I am the guy your wife ran to. WW and I are the same age, my wife competed in Female Fitness Competitions and works out six days a week.

The man she is in the A with, is tall and gawky, has many physical ailments, pot belly looks 70 and he's 53, diabetic high blood pressure etc...but he was meeting something I was not.

Plus when she's with him she looks like a model and he looks like he's her sugar daddy, even though he earns 1/8 the money I do.

That's crazy.

[Vince H]

I read the MMSLP and while some of it is good, I'm pretty sure he's no expert. It's good info but it won't help your marriage enough. That's my opinion.

I agree, thing is everything in that book was my marriage we had an active sex life etc, and guess what she still had an affair.

I think the info in that book only works if your spouse is not an Independent self sufficient intelligent woman.

Right. I try to tell people this when they start looking at all my faults and trying to play the blame game. Affairs happen in perfectly happy and healthy marriages too. I could've been perfect and this still could've happened.

Right. I won't pay any attention to that book. I mean I already know how to make myself attractive to women again. It's just that I fell into that husband and daddy role, let myself go and became a chubby hubby thinking that she would love me unconditionally and that we'd spend the rest of our lives together no matter what. Big mistake. Well anyhow I know how to get back to the old me. It's just a matter of doing it.

[Vince H]

Well I owe you guys an update. I've broken just about even rule in the book. Time to start over from scratch. I will never stop loving my wife and daughter till the day I die. I will fill you in on the details later.

[Vince H]

Well I just got into another argument today with my wife. It seems that she gets upset so easily and starts fights over nothing. Today it was because she had pulled money out of my account to go shopping with her mother. She said that she owed her mother the money and would pay me back later. I told her that's fine but that she needs to ask me beforehand, not after the fact. She got all upset and said she was coming over to give me the money right now. She rang my doorbell and threw the money in my face. My daughter and her mother were in the car. I went out to the car to ask her why she was acting like this and then to also tell her there was no reason for her to get all upset like this. I gave the money to her mother and then my wife grabbed it and threw it out of her car window and all over the grass. This is unbelievable. And all this after we just got out of church.

Another thing was that my daughter told me that they had gone to pizza hut yesterday with the OM and his kid. I had asked my wife not to bring our daughter around this OM. But she continues to do it. She has no shame. And it is making me sick. I am trying to be patient but I am getting tired of being treated badly. I am also getting tired of her committing adultery right in front of our daughter. This is not right. How do I proceed from here? Before she left I told her that I still love her and want to fix things. But she doesn't want to. She wants me to move on and find somebody else.

[Ss06]

Vince, you'll get more responses if you post over on Newcomers.

[BFloat]

i'm not sure if you're still reading your threads..

when did your wife move out? i'm confused because there seems to be chunks of information missing or maybe the back story is on a different thread?

it's time to take a deep breath and just slow down. i know it seems difficult and you are doing the same thing a lot of us have in the beginning.. running around in circles.. because everything seems so desperate as though your life is slipping through your fingers. so rather than speed that process up by forcing your spouse to make decisions that may not yet be ready to make.. step back. work on you. vent here if needed.