6 Months Down the Line

[ye21]

So lets put this a little in order.... He doesnt contact you at all, neither her family and you can't move on because you still looking for an answer...why he has no compassion or his family right? Why they dont care how much this hurts me right?

Well we dont know why is that but I think you still have a person in your life which is you. Basically without his love you feel that you are nothing, that normally happens when we give love to others in order to love ourselves, once that love is gone we dont love ourselves and we feel misserable, worthless and all that.

Look there are some relationships that end and another ones take a breake and get restored, this is what you have to see. You have no relationship anymore so you dont own him nothing neither he does.
If he is with another person and he is happy with zero issues or 1000 of them is not your problem anymore.
He left and you are by yourself right now, its not the end of your life, it might if you dont work on yourself, but pretty much if you just put a little effort in taking care of yourself it will not be the end.

He left for whatever reasons and its not coming back, focus in that because thats the only thing certain today, why would you want a person to be with you if that person doesnt want to be with you? Wouldnt be nicer to be with somebody who really wants to be with you?

Well so take all this time by yourself to focus in repairing the damage, into taking care of yourself and improve those things that you dont like, people that has no empathy for you dont deserve you in their lifes.

We respect their decissions but again, if they dont show empathy that doesnt make them really great human beings...

You are worth it of loving yourself, I went thrue the same you are going thrue and here I am, improving what I dont like from me and pretty sure I will not be involved with people who has the caracteristhics of my last relationship.

Just focus on yourself in what you dont like and embrace what you like from you and make it even better.

Time will bring you a nicer relationship with yourself, there is a lot of not worth it people out there and believe me, its not all your fault.

[vossy]

Thanks for your response.

I'm not sure I explained myself properly, based on your response. He actually does contact me.. in fact, he is the one keeping the line of communication open, in a sense. I don't email him unless he emails me, and I never ask questions. He *does* ask questions, so I answer them. If he stops, I'll stop, I guess.

As for "without his love, you feel you are nothing." No, that's not quite right I feel pretty fine with myself. I don't have a lot of friends in this city.. (in fact, I have just one who I rarely see) but I am a very independent, introverted and shy person, so for the most part that doesn't bother me. I'm happy to do my own thing and that's what I do and have always done.

All I am feeling today is frustrated. It's not easy to switch off, even after 10 months of being apart. We were together for more than 10 years. I don't think it's unreasonable to still be attached to that relationship.. we made more memories than I know what to do with. We were best friends, truly.

I don't know if this is true but I get the impression that many of you think my relationship is a lost cause.. but I don't see why mine is any less salvageable than the rest of them.

[Ss06]

Vossy,

I have to say, and remember that I am NOT a VET by any stretch of the imagination, you are deep in the friend zone.

I've read every word you've written in this thread and I keep coming back to his inability to define what the heck is going on. You're hanging on every word, responding only when he writes, etc but it is my (uneducated) opinion that you should go NC for a while. Get a life, pound the pavement for a job, make friends like crazy, get your mind off this man who is mistreating you in his absence. Your situation is unique because of the distance but relationship expectations aren't different.

I know you have lots of reasons that there's no OW but his behavior to me SCREAMS OW. He can still contact you and email you and call you and still be porking some other woman or many other women. I know that's harsh. I do. I just really want you to start thinking about you. What you need. You're holding on so tightly to him (and who can blame you, you've been in a committed relationship with him and he literally just up and fled) but he's not coming back the way things are right now. You don't even know WHY he left in the first place. Right?

I can't figure out WHY someone would fly 24 hours to work on a visa and fly out again 24 hours later. I mean, just the expense of the trip alone seems counter intuitive. I'm just spitballing here, Vossy.

You're not detached (and me saying that is the pot calling the kettle black so I totally understand how HARD that is) but it's not terribly hard when you live thousands of miles away from your BF. You deserve BETTER so give it to yourself and show him that you deserve it by treating yourself better. What would happen if you didn't respond to his email? I know you think you might shrivel up and die inside but you won't. What is actually being accomplished in these emails? Just checking in, talking like buddies? He's cake eating if you ask me or he just does not have the balls to tell you what is really going on.

The distance makes things SUPER difficult which is why, I think, many may see your relationship as a lost cause. Another reason, to me, is because he's clearly playing you like a fiddle. You deserve more than he's giving you which is basically NOTHING.

I wish you strength and courage to stop playing his game and write the rules yourself. Stop contact. It's only making you miserable and you're hanging on it for weeks. He's treating you poorly and you're letting him.

((((hugs))))

[vossy]

Thanks for your thoughts, Ss06. I appreciate them all.

He very well could have an OW. Probably has had one. I agree, although not sure about a permanent one. I don't think he had one before we split, though - simply because it would have been extremely hard. He lives with his mother, remember And he was home all the time last year before we split and were doing LD. We Skyped day and night, so I could see he was actually at home, etc. I'm also not sure he would have moved across the world if this was the case. He probably would have ended it before he ever came.

After the BD though, is anyone's guess! Luckily for me he's still living with his mother so he might not be the biggest catch

You are correct that we're deep in the friend zone; I don't deny it. I know it, in fact. I just feel like I'm okay with that right now. He knows that we're not going to actually be friends down the line.. as in, if this is over, so is any friendship.. and he agrees. So I guess I've always felt like the fact he still wants to be friendly is a sign that he's not sure about being 100% over.

That's also how I felt about the visa. I agree with you, it was a ridiculous move, in a way! Over 48 hours of travel, over $2k spent. BUT getting that visa was the only way we even *could* have a future. I can no longer live in his country. So, in my mind, I like that he was willing to spend that amount of money to keep his options open. I certainly didn't expect it.

Look, don't get me wrong. There are plenty of things I am angry about and he hasn't treated me appropriately, in many ways. But contrary to how it seems, I don't sit around stewing on it. I have my business, I've just started freelance writing, I go for walks, and I see people when they're around. I probably only think about him in this sad way during those emotional periods of the month (pardon the pun).

As for NC, I've considered it. I may still do it. But here is my catch.. you know those movies that you watch and they don't really give you a proper ending. Like, if you're a romantic, you think they got back together, but if you're a cynic you think "of course they didn't." I hate those movies.. always have.

So it would be pretty hard for me to just go NC because I would kill myself with the what-ifs. What if he thinks I hate him? What if he would have come back and I ruined my chances? What if he's about to write to me?

Frankly, I don't think NC would change anything. As I said above, I get by okay. I just get emotional once in a while and then I rant on here.

If this seems like I'm arguing, btw, I'm not trying to. I see a lot of what you're saying. But he's not a bad guy and never has been. He's having a pretty selfish moment right now, true, and he has a lot of work to do on himself before I would ever take him back. It's not like if he said "Okay, I'm coming back to your country and we'll move in together" I'd say yes. I wouldn't. I just don't think our story is over, but I guess I have a vested interest in believing that. We'll see, I guess.

[vossy]

He finally emailed about nine days ago. I have felt a lot better since receiving that email, in one sense, but it is making me rethink what I'm doing. I am considering taking Ss06's advice and going NC, but I haven't fully decided yet. His emails are chatty and friendly and he asks questions, he tells me about his life which is proceeding as normal (i.e. he hasn't made any other big changes, which he certainly needs to). I don't know. It frustrates me.

If I do decide to go NC, now would be a good time. This weekend he has the wedding of his best friend. He will know very few people at the wedding, and I know he doesn't have a plus one, so I feel like he might get a hint of loneliness, especially since he hates weddings. Following that, it is coming up to fall, and he always starts to get depressed by the weather. Finally, his bday is coming up which has been a BIG trigger for him for the last few years. I am hoping he'll start to see that his life won't change unless he changes it. That doesn't necessarily mean anything for our R. I just want him to realize that he has to put in some work if he wants to be happy.

As for that wedding, I sent his friend a message. Although she is HIS friend, she became my friend while me and my ex were together, and I am truly happy for her. It's been a long and difficult path for her to get to this point, so I just wished her a lifetime of happiness and left it at that. She thanked me and said "This means so much" and that was that. I'm glad I did it.

Now, I'm off to get a pedicure.. or at least, I would be if it EVER stopped raining! Feeling good today, despite everything, so trying to keep it up..

[Ss06]

Vossy, I'm glad to see an update from you because I've been thinking about you a lot.

I'm just spit-balling because I'm not an expert and my own situation has me thoroughly confused so I'm really not in a position to make suggestions so please take my recommendations with a lot of salt...

What do you think would happen if you

1. didn't respond to his email/questions?
2. Started to date?

I know #2 seems pretty far out there but I wonder if you know your own value. You've been waiting around for someone since last October who isn't respecting what you had in a relationship and doesn't seem to be any closer to doing so even now.

I'd really encourage you to do #1 and seriously consider #2.

What are you doing day to day to GAL? How is work?

Talk to me about how you'll do without responding to him. Lay it out for me.

[vossy]

Thanks for checking in Ss06.

In terms of #1, I know what would happen on my end. I'd probably make it as far as his bday (about eight weeks away) and then I would email a bday message. In the meantime, I'd probably have momentary bouts of madness/sadness but I'd be okay. I am starting an exciting new freelance career (about to be published in my first magazine on Monday) and I'm diving headfirst into that. That aside, right now I am focusing on just staying afloat financially and enjoying my independence after years of living with various parents. I try to set myself one "task" each day to get out and about. E.g. Today I got a pedicure, some days I go for a walk on the beach, etc.

Truthfully, my main issue with going NC is that I feel.. rude

In terms of #2, that's just not an option for me right now. I'm not ready.. and that has very little to do with my ex, and everything to do with me. Of course in some ways I still have hope for our R, but I'm not "waiting" for him to figure things out. Instead, I'm just trying to figure out my own life. I've spent the past ten years travelling.. I've lived in four different countries, other than my own. I've never had my own place or furniture like I do now. I've never known what I want from a career like I do now. I'm excited about just "doing me" for a while.

At some point in the future, I hope someone comes along, but I have always been very independent and I know I lost that for a good while there. I'm really enjoying finding that side of me again.. When my ex and I first got together, I was young and innocent. Then in the space of a year (2004-5), three really terrifying things happened to me, and I grew so fearful of life after that. It is certainly one of the reasons that my ex left me.

What I REALLY want right now is to get "me" back. I don't want you be young and naive again, but I DO want to be independent again. I travelled the world when I was 20 all alone.. I want to be THAT version of me again.

As for my ex.. some days I really don't know if I want him back. I know that I won't go backwards into the R we had, so if he ever does come knocking, he'd have to be a very different version of himself. He'd have to have a pretty deep understanding of what he has done wrong, and I think he's a long way off from that.

[Ss06]

Ok, I'm loving everything you're saying about being YOU again. Congrats on the freelance stuff, that's hard to come by. Good for you! Finding your strength despite your fear says a lot about you as a person and as a woman. You are one heck of a woman, Vossy. I can see that!

As for #1... let's get over the rudeness of it, shall we? These emails as buddies while you're hoping for more is not working. My opinion is that you could send him a very simple, "Happy birthday, hope all your wishes come true. Yours, Vossy" and that is IT!!!!! Let him ask after you. Let him notice your lack of interest in what is going on. Let him notice that you're not forthcoming on what's going on with your life and the cool endeavors you're getting into are happening without him. Let him wonder.

[vossy]

Thank you, your comments really mean a lot.

I agree with you. If I decide to go NC, that's all I would write for a bday message. I guess what I'm afraid of is that feeling of "Is this it?" Is this REALLY how ten years ends? Someone gets to just walk out, disappear off the radar for three months, send some friendly emails and then.. boom. It's DONE? That, I think, is my biggest issue with everything. It bugs me that I could have been that dumb, almost, to not see any of this coming? I know this is far more about HIM having a problem than me, but you know, we are the ones that get left with those thoughts..

If he just accepts the fact that I have gone NC, and goes NC himself, essentially, that would be hard for me. And I guess that's the last thing I have to deal with before I really decide if I'll do it: Am I ready to accept that we might never, ever talk again? That's the risk..

[Ss06]

You're right, that's a risk but you're worth that risk. Right now you're a crutch and that's all. You deserve more than that. SO MUCH MORE! If you wanted to be buddies and chit chat every 2 weeks via email then you wouldn't be here on this site. You want a relationship, love, cherishing, perhaps marriage? Yet here you two are writing emails to each other with nothing more than "hey, went to that wedding, had a good time, how's the freelance stuff?" Nope. Not gonna work.

During this NC period (are you committing?) perhaps you can formulate an email in your head that is brief and direct that basically says, "it's been real and it's been fun but I'm looking for love and I deserve that".

Him dropping off the planet WOULD be hard and I recognize that fully. Don't do anything you're not ready to do but when you decide, commit. Have no expectations and do it for YOU!