Trying to detach

[HeadUp]

My W said 2 weeks ago that she wanted a divorce through a text. I have been living at my mom's house for the past 6 weeks now. It started off as a fight that needs time and said she loved me and hugged me and was good then it started being distant and not knowing if she wanted to be with me. So I tried to push us going good to counseling and she said she didn't want to go because she didn't trust me and that she wants her happiness and why should she have to give up her happiness to keep a relationship together.

I had the kids that weekend and I told her I didn't want a D and that we could work this out. That was when she dropped that she didn't love me for the past 2 years and that she thought of other men and that she settled for me 8 years ago. I did the yell and told her she wasn't a bad person. She cried the whole time on the phone.

I wrote a letter (before I knew of this website) telling her how I felt and that I felt betrayed and that I felt used. She turned around took off her marriage status off of social media and called that night about child support. I give her my whole check and I spend maybe 100 out of 3000 and still pay all the bills and the rent for a house I am not living at and for her to go out and party.

I took my step S to a show and I asked how his was and he told me she was going out every night when she is supposed to be watching the kids and not getting back till the morning. I got the kids later the next morning and she was mad that I didn't get them the Friday night but got them early sturdy morning and how it wasn't fair for her and she didn't get to go out this whole week. So I said something (wwrong thing to say) and now I am stalking her and calling everyone to check on her when I am not and she won't listen because she doesn't trust me.

I need a weekend off and I told her this today in a text. She called telling me that it wasn't fair for her to have them 7 days while I had a weekend off so now I am watching the kids until Friday when they were supposed to go back home tomorrow and I won't see them u til next friday.

I want to detach myself and the DB book is being delivered tomorrow. I don't know what she is doing or with who and I want to text her and I get on here and want to say hey I need help keeping strong. I know I am part to blame for my marriage and I am taking steps to fix that. I want to be a better man for me and my kids. I do think want to lose her but I have to be realistic and say I probably already did. Please help me through this time.

[HeadUp]

In the beginning of the relationship she was my dream girl and I was working and she was in a tough situation with her ex and D1(at the time). I came in was the good guy and did anything I could to be there. A year after we got together I lost my job and wasn't able to get anything. I got depressed and I tried to hide it. I told her that I felt like a failure and that I wasn't good enough for her. She said she understood and took care of my feelings. Thinking there was something wrong with me because I couldn't snap out of it. I caused her emotional abandonment and I always tried to listen to her and be there and explain that "I wasn't thinking that." or "No that wasn't what I mean by this." But we would always get in fights and I have a huge problem with being wrong. Something I can thank my W for pointing out. The years passed and I gained weight and became even more unhappy with that. I made every excuse of why I wasn't losing the weight except for myself and I started really hating my job and not enjoying going to work.

About 2 weeks before I got booted out I realized I wanted to do something to get myself out of this rut. I started reading about how to fix myself and be the man I know I am. Of course when I tried to talk to her about this she was busy with either kids or dogs or FB. Then I got booted. And now she wants the keys to the house because she thinks I am going to barge in.

School hasn't started so I have basically watched my children at my moms house for the past month now. She has gone out every night (checking the bank account in the morning before I spend money because I can't afford to give it to the bank) and I think this will all end when she gets her other daughter back and school starts. I dont know what to do. I have read sandis rules and I should be getting DB today after work. I have to talk to her when I drop off the babies on friday before I go out of town on my vacation for the weekend. I don't know what to do with that and that is getting me thinking of do this no do this no do this. So I am not planning on talking to her until friday and then until the next friday. am i doing the right thing? I want to put my ring back on but I think it is I don't even know.

[MrBond]

Can you tell us more about your marital history? it will help us craft a plan for you.

[HeadUp]

We started off really well. I would talk about issues I had and she would tell me her feelings. About 2 years in we found out we were having a baby. This was when stuff started getting hard. I was told I knew nothing of relationships and she went to counseling and knew everything about them. Before I got with her I use to fight on the side and I was god at it so I would tell her please don't yell at me or be mean because I wasn't raised that way and I knew I had a temper and I didn't want to get stupid. That was when she started to not listen to me. And one day in a fight she kicked me out while she was pregnant with our first. 2 months later she asked me to come back after I saw that I wasn't validating her feelings the way she needed. And things where good.

A year later we were in another situation that I was not being heard and I said that she wasn't properly listening to my needs and I was out again. This time it was because I wasn't happy with her. I was but it I didn't show it the right way. She told me many times that she was done with me and she was breaking up with me. Then an hour or two later she would call saying she was upset and didn't mean it. Well when I was not in the house I said the same thing to her saying we were done. She hung up and that was it. I called saying I was wrong for doing that and I wanted to be with her and I loved her and we could work this out and no response. I had the kids so 2 days later I dropped them off. I thought things were weird but I didn't think much of it. Later that night she called and told me that she slept with her ex and that she realized she loved me. I was devistated. I thought she cheated on me because we did the same thing we always did. She was under the impression that she wanted it over and did it. Told me she did cheat and basically I needed to get over it on my own when I would bring it up.

I did get over it but I gained an insecurity because of it. When ever I brought it oout it would be me holding on to things and not letting go. Then I started to gain weight and felt unattractive to her. I told her this and that was something that she never heard because I told her plenty of times that I have a problem and I want to get over this. I ended up going to multiple counselors to work on my anger (which I started showing more) me letting go of the past and being happy with myself. I wanted to show her the love I knew she deserved. I asked for us to go to counseling but she wouldn't do anything unless I made the appointment. We were dirt poor and I was looking for work all the time and trying to go to school at the same time.

We got to the point in our relationship that I would hate coming home for the weekends because I knew she would be upset about sometying. She would want to go out but we had no money but it was OK for her to get drinks from men she flirted with at the bar. I didn't think was good but I needed to not make a big deal about it. But she would tell me later a day or two that it was bs that I let these guys buy her drinks and not say anything.

Our relationship would be a do as she said not as she did. I would work 40 plus hours and come home and clean the house and take care of the kids and be so exhausted that I would fall asleep when I sat down to watch TV at the end of the day. Then she would tell me she would go out with our mutual female friends on Friday and that was that. And come home at 4 in the morning and I would be stuck watching the kids all weekend while she slept off her hang over. But she would come out to let me know that keeping a 2 year old quit is easy and I was doing it wrong.

The final straw was my work family is breaking up and leaving. I told her I was going to the bar to say good bye. She called and told me that she had our D5 and that our D8 was at home with a friend and that she was going to a cousins graduation party and she will call later. I started sexting her letting her know I was thinking of her and she asked if I wanted her home now. I said no I will wait until you get home so we can get all hot and bothered. So I waited until midnight and went to sleep. I found out in the morning that she didn't get home until 4. I told her in the morning hey I am a little upset and you made me feel that you were going to come home sooner and I felt like you didn't care. W got mad and started yelling and making about something I never said which she was cheating on me. I apologized and said I was wrong and I didn't want to ruin the night. We'll a couple hours later she was still upset so I asked what she was mad about and told me that I shouldn't be mad at her about last night. Got big I left so we could calm down and she started texting me calling me names and then she called telling me to get my stuff and leave. At this point I haven't left my house in over a year and a half so I was like fine I will leave so we can take a timeout.

And this is where I am.

[HeadUp]

So she went out last night with her brother. So she called my brother last night to see if he wanted to go with them. He got the message this morning and is as confused as me. Wtf?

[rayzzz]

So I tried to push us going good to counseling and she said she didn't want to go because she didn't trust me and that she wants her happiness and why should she have to give up her happiness to keep a relationship together.

I heard that line too buddy and it seems to be par of the script. My WAW is also in MLC - mid life crisis...and she has all the signs yours has ..not in love for past 4 years...partying every night...found a journal with all the lust she was having for other guys...I am the reason for her woe. A WAW/MLC will rewrite your marriage history in complete negatives hence the " i only settled for you 8 years ago"

Now having said that you need to GAL...find somethings to keep you sane and make you happy...that attractive side she loves about you and you have some serious 180s to do...eatting humble pie and validating her for one thing. Why stay in a M with an arrogant son of a B? Sounds like she hasnt felt safe in a long time if all the arguments end with her being wrong. Work through what needs to be changed in all your shortfalls...trust me I have plenty of work for the next ten years...and that may mean IC...no it will mean IC....you just need to find out how to fix yourself to be the man she would be a fool to leave. Come here often for support, don't even confide much in mom or family/friends...they can't be very objective about this. Listen to the vets here and find the threads where there is hope...there are those who restored their M...you'll need their stories to help propel you forward. Ok deep breaths. read the DB book! Gal! Detach and believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see! Expect nothing from her! If I can do this you can do this. It ain't over till its over. Cheers bro

[sandi2]

Welcome aboard. While you're waiting on your book to arrive, here's the link to Michele's first chapters to books.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2388883#Post2388883

Hope you will post often.

[MrBond]

Still around?

[HeadUp]

So went out of town this weekend. She asked where I was going and I said I didn't know which is not like me. Next day she text me asking about if I blocked her from FB and I told her I deactivated because I don't want people to know what is going on my personal life (which is also unusual). Which she replied to ask if I was OK and I haven't said anything. I am proud of myself.

[HeadUp]

although did backslide. I text her because I wanted to ask a question if there was OM. Didn't tell her said I would tell her in person and then realized I was acting like a @$$ and just told her to have a great week with the kids. All that work and back to square one. Any other books I could read besides DB and DR. I need to keep occupied.

Ray thanks for the 2x4. I do need to work to fix myself. I start seeing a C this Thursday. Taking this mini vacation was a finding me and realizing what makes me happy. I also read DR in 1 night. "Focus on yourself and not what your partner is doing"

Bond I have read a lot of your posts since I have been on here. I would say that you do 2x4 but they are more like you drop the house of truth what people need to see to get out of that fog and start working on themselves. Thanks.