It's not easy to face these things about ourselves. I can identify with a lot you've mentioned. I could give WOA to others, but felt so fake if I tried with my H.
Start with small things and work up to more and more, then it will become more natural. I think the hardest part is to just "do it" in spite if how awkward it makes you feel. Getting over that hurdle that has held you back and hurt your MR.
He may need you to be his cheerleader to encourage him in his work, or whatever he attempts at home. I learned the hard way that men don't respond well to critisim from the wife. He can take it from anyone but his spouse. The male ego is so fragile. We women have the power to tear that ego apart.....or build him up to believe he can handle whatever he's facing. I think our men really need us to admire them! (Which does not come naturally for me.). We can start the admiration by showing respect for our H. Being careful of the tone of voice we use when speaking to him.....or about him. Being careful of our facial expressions toward him, b/c that says volumes.
You can take the opportunity to teach your D and at the same time direct WOA toward your H. During a conversation at the dinner table, or wherever, bring up something you can brag on daddy. "Didn't daddy do a geat job putting the swing set together? All those screws he had to fit in those little holes!". Of course, you say something like this in front of him. He is recognized for the job he accomplished (which is important to anyone) and to speak appreciation for what he did. And it teaches your child to respect him and sets a platform for how she will treat her future H. It's small, but a start.
Probably the hardest is controlling the tongue and a critical spirit. It's not easy breaking these very old behaviors.....but it is possible! When I read this latest post from you, I thought, "This sister is getting it. She has acknowledged what she did wrong. Has goals she's working on. Seeking guidance on going forward.".
I think you have a shot at this. But at times you may feel as if you are trying to raise the dead b/c of his feelings of being completely done. You are task orientated so set daily goals that have baby steps in reinventing yourself. Think of how you influence your H and child and do or say something that shows them you are proud of them for little day to day things. Showing a warm, sweet, and calm spirit can't help but have a positive effect.
I will be eager to hear how it goes. Oh, I assume you know he will probably think you are being so nice just to lure him back, and then you'll return to old behavior. So this has to be a life long transition for you. It will be up to him as to how he responds. But in time, I believe he will be drawn to you, b/c he fell in love with once before.......and it can happen again.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have direction and that makes me feel stronger. Sandi, thanks again for your insight and encouragement. I appreciate it more than you know.
I am pretty good at affirming h through our daughter. Things like, "are we so fortunate to be able to do these fun things because daddy work SO hard" or "isn't it nice to have a nice clean car? Daddy takes such good care of his girls." All in his presence but he needs more and that is my challenge. There are so many things about him I admire bur recently he completed a big project and we attended the party to celebrate the efforts of all those who worked on it. I was so proud and didn't hold back on telling him. I worked hard at being the "Hollywood wife" by remembering names, asking about their recent projects, etc but I LOVED talking h up and hearing others praise his talents. The whole night I was glowing because I was so proud and I felt honored to be with him at such a big event... Which I also shared with him and went on and on. He thanked me but I got he feeling it wasn't what he wanted to hear... Maybe because he couldn't get the [censored] talking I've done out of his head and it wasn't consistent... Probably, now that I type that out.
Anyway, yet another thing to explore and work on. Just pile it on because I'm up to the task!
Being consistent is key. Validating him is like food for his soul. It will take time for him to see it's the real thing and not a gimmic to get him back. The WAS has a fear if they return to the LBS it will be the same old MR as before. And so many well meaning LBS fall back into those old habits, when just six months esrlier they were swearing their changes were permanent.
People can reinvent themselves, but it is not easy. The desire to be better has to feed the drive. And never, ever take your H and M for granted.
How I wish I could go back in time and do things differently. But I can try to make the most of the time I have left.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi - I just wanted to thank you for your points on cheerleading and criticism.
I don't think I've been very good about doing these things for my H., especially when I haven't felt like he hasn't been meeting my needs. Admiring doesn't come easily for me either, and it's been especially challenging since I've been the breadwinner and doing a good bit of housework on top of work.
I'm wondering now if that's been feeding into our situation and making it even more difficult for him to both feel like I value and respect him on top of the fact that I've been physically and somewhat emotionally withdrawn.
This might be something to work on...
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
I can sure understand. It's hard to express admiration when you have trouble finding any. Start with simple things and work up.
I found it helped to make references back to when we were dating. I could draw from those feelings and share with him I liked this or that about him, or talk about a funny time between us. It helped me to break my own ice, I guess. I always felt so fake when trying to express admiration. But he needed it, so I had to work at consciously looking for something good to say. At least, thank him for doing things for me and the family.
Appreciation and admiration are said to be the top needs for men (not counting sex). And when they suffer from a lack of it from the W, another woman can bat her eyes and butter him up for the A. Let's face it, as females we usually know how to make a man feel like we see him being god's gift to the world........when we are trying to catch him. We build his ego and he thinks we are great! Some of us may not find the words so easily, but he can see it in how we look at him. The eyes tell the story.
Sadly, after marriage, many women stop doing what they did in order to get him. But I believe if women will become more like the girl he fell in love with, he will respond positively. May take time, though........and consistency.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, if you have the time, I'd appreciate any comments you have on my thread. I've really appreciate your advice and feel like I could use some straight talk.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
haha