Agree with Train on the coffee and the MA, for precisely the reasons she stated.
As for the marital bed, that's a sensitive one. The one "given" around here is that YOU (the betrayed spouse) should never leave the marital bed and almost never leave the marital home. If the wayward spouse is uncomfortable there, then SHE should leave.
I personally never asked my wife to leave our bedroom, and nor did I object when she decided to do it on her own. Many wayward spouses will do it on their own, either out of guilt/shame, or a belief that they're actually "cheating" on their affair partner while sleeping there (yeah, I know), or -- much more pragmatically -- they just want to be able to do a late next phone or heavy texting session with their affair partner, unencumbered.
I would say to do whatever feels authentic to you.
However, while she's involved in an A, even if she stays in the marital bed, do not ML to her.
I screwed the pooch on that early on in my sitch, before I found out H was involved in a PA (he said - and I believed him (stupid me) - it was only an EA)... and I came close to screwing the same pooch even DURING my sitch (after I discovered it was a PA). It's hard to turn it down as the LBS. But if you're drawing a line in the sand, draw it. And protect your own health.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Thanks for this advice. The coffee thing is just something that I have been doing. I would make it for a neighbor.
Now that I have drawn the line in the sand re: the M and the A and told her that we cannot move forward until the A is over, do I bring this up again when I see her in person this weekend or do I just let it be said what I said? She knows my stance, knows that I know about the A and knows that I want her to end it. My gut says not to bring it up again. She needs her space to think about it.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Now that I have drawn the line in the sand re: the M and the A and told her that we cannot move forward until the A is over, do I bring this up again when I see her in person this weekend or do I just let it be said what I said?
Let it be. Continuing to bring it up only weakens your stance.
so i just learned that my wife lied to me about a girl's weekend a while back. May 31-June 1. She told me that she had a girl's weekend with some friends, last minute thing. Her dad had died a few weeks before, so I just figure she needed to blow off some steam. After learning of the A a few days ago, I emailed the person whom she said she went with and asked for some recommendations on the location. I told her that my W had a few friends with her name, so perhaps she was not the right person to ask. Her friend just wrote back and said that she did not do a girl's weekend with my W. I wonder if this is when she first got together with the OM because a week later she asked for the D? I want to forward that email thread to my W, but I am sure that is not the right approach.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I want to forward that email thread to my W, but I am sure that is not the right approach.
What do you hope to accomplish by forwarding the email to W? Trust me- I've tried this approach and although it will make you feel good for the next 5 minutes for calling her out, it does nothing but come across as snooping and controlling in W's mind. Besides, it's clear in past conversations you've had with her that she'll just come up with another lie to cover her tracks.
She already knows where you stand on A, so no reason to bring up additional intel. If only I could apply the advice I give to my own sitch
You're getting great advice from Starsky and others here.
I don't think it's wrong to gather evidence of an affair. Gather it, store it someplace safely. Do not, piecemeal, dole it out to her. It will make you look desperate and petty. It will only make her lie and go underground with the affair. If/when you decide to give her an ultimatum (not just yet), THAT's when you might think about revealing what you know. Not until then.
I would think that Martial Arts are a stress release and would help you build character, etc. perhaps 1-2 times a week MAX for physical fitness and to help you zen-out. If it's a stressor and making you nervous and affecting your work, it's not so good. The old karate master once said the heart of a kareteka is open and transparent, it bears no one malice, but beware, it is also the heart of a tiger. I envision that for you.
If you want to save your marriage, keep taking the advice these guys are giving you. On the other hand, for a humorous, but grim approach to saving a marriage when your spouse is cheating check out the website Chump Lady. Chump Lady isn't very optimistic about saving a marriage when someone cheats. However, she does encourage you to keep your dignity, protect your assets, get legal advice and lay down healthy boundaries. She cautions against playing the "pick me" game and begging, etc. She simply says "You are not an option, you are her spouse, she needs to make a choice -- sooner than later." I think Starsky and others will counsel more patience with a strong boundary. Chump Lady is, in my opinion, too abrupt -- but she's piss in your pants funny.
I want to forward that email thread to my W, but I am sure that is not the right approach.
Well, at least your instincts are good. Not even a difficult one.
I'm sorry you're having to continue to uncover additional deceit. I'm sure there's more, but it's best to continue a "I know all about you and SG" stance and keep it vague. When you tell her you know everything, and she doesn't know what you know and what you DON'T know, she has to assume you do know each piece. Make sense? As sukky as it is, there is power and leverage in that.
By all means, if SHE ever brings up in conversation, something like "Well, like when I went away on my girl's weekend, we . . . ." you should put your hand up in the "stop" position and say "PLEASE STOP IT. We both know you're lying to me right now. I know all about who you were with that weekend, and it's incredibly disrespectful to sit here and lie to my face. We don't allow it from our kids and I'm certainly not going to accept it from you." (and leave) . . . but to bring it up now is NOT a good idea, as you already know.
Did you see my question yesterday about your finances?
Now that I have drawn the line in the sand re: the M and the A and told her that we cannot move forward until the A is over, do I bring this up again when I see her in person this weekend or do I just let it be said what I said?
Let it be. Continuing to bring it up only weakens your stance.
Not even a difficult one.