Maybell, Part V

[Maybell]

Ok, labug, if I weren't being laser focus woman, what would I be doing?

Today D11 and I are going to work more on the kitchen. I have a cool project to do for a friend. I'll be reading to my kids and taking them to a lesson today. Laundry and getting ready for one last trip. This hole in my heart left by those really vivid dreams will be filled with life.

And then I saw the discussion of rings on dawgy's thread and remembered IC saying that vulnerability draws people in. My engagement ring came to mind. H noticed I wasn't wearing it but neither of us mentioned it. No rush. I won't be seeing H before Thursday at the earliest.

And I repeat, what does NOT laser focus woman do?

[Ggrass]

Must be the week for dreams. I had one too.

I take control in my dream and don't feel so bad when I wake.

[claire7]

Maybell, does "not-laser-focus" woman just live in the moment? Decide that whatever happens (or doesn't happen) will be ok? Maybe she tries to be mindful of when she is being laser-focused and then tries to step back from that?

(Oh, and when you have a moment: What does trying-to-not-procrastinate girl over here do??)

[Maybell]

Ha! Procrastinating is a whole nother ball of wax!

[labug]

Claire pretty much nailed it, I guess.

Turn you laser focus on today, what's within your sight right now.

All that stuff that's "out there" in the future or the past doesn't need your focus right now.

Yes, you can still have goals (that questions always comes)but realize they may change or shift, that you may never have your feet firmly planted.

And that's OK, cause we never really did have then firmly planted.

We just thought we did.

[Maybell]

IC noted yesterday that working with me is interesting because I'm split in two between wanting to be freer and bolder and wanting my H back because he's comfortable and familiar.

The longer we're apart the more I feel able to remember who he is as an individual. It's like someone has set a very slow reset button on my ability to see him as an individual and not just my husband.

As a person I'm anxious to get to know him, like a teenager with a crush. Thinking of him returning to the house, though, scares the day lights out of me, as I don't know what I'm like in a relationship anymore.

This isn't a problem I'm trying to solve with laser focus. It's an observation of how much my life & thinking have changed in only three months.

I hope I get the chance to start dating him again. I would like to know who he has become. I hope it's someone good.

[claire7]

I hear you.

[Maybell]

IC said yesterday he thought H's family was so friendly to me last week because H said he didn't know what would happen but hoped we would work it out (IC added "but she's so angry with me I don't know if we will or not). That's got me spun out.

IC says to be attractive I have to be willing to be vulnerable. I heard it here, too, when someone -- 25? Labug? -- said you have to act like the OW and be enticing. I've been pretty thorough about guarding my heart again, is it time to risk a little?

Crazy vivid dreams this morning have got me spun out. I am afraid of what they mean.

I asked him a question this morning by text and we both kind of dragged it out saying nothing and finally I said "I wish at some point we could find something to talk about other than them" and he said "we will, I'm sure." That's got me spun out.

He tried to chat with me today when he called to talk to the kids and I couldn't figure out how to with him and so I'm kicking myself for wasted opportunity. I don't know why I get so tongue-tied with him. It's got me spun out. (opposite of helpful)

He's traveling AGAIN this week and next so we won't see him I'm spun out. I really hate that job.

This afternoon I recognized that if I want to talk to him about something other than kids I'm going to have to start broadening my horizons a lot.

There's a guitar player at a bar nearby the next time we're both in town and I'd like to invite him to go hear the guy. I think he'd enjoy it, and it's a really small setting so the guy shares some of his techniques, etc., if the audience acts interested. But I'm worried that's pursuing. On the other hand, I know he doesn't know the musician and it's something to get us talking again.

I know my goals said don't talk for a few weeks. But he's engaging some. I won't see him at all for two weeks. I don't have to invite till I get back from my trip. Am I on the right track or should I continue to retreat?

[Maybell]

Clearly I need to go back to Detachment 101.

I think I may find a way to ask him to join me to hear the musician. It would be unexpected. And if I wait till a couple of days before then it will be including him with little pressure and not too many days ahead of my calendar end date.

I've been reading all the validation/defusing stories today and it strikes me how little opportunity I've had to do that myself. We've had no real conflicts. I know why he moved out... But given that our most recent interactions have been marked by friendliness on his part then I have to think my IC might be right and it is on me to make them warmer.

I put my engagement ring back on.

[claire7]

Geez, Maybell. Could you stop reading my mind?!?!

Let me know how it goes, because my problem is continuing to have no expectations. He will retreat or go into business-mode right after I feel like he's opened up a bit. That, plus feeling like why the he!! should I pursue him at all, make me realllly hesitant to try anything.