Yes, I definitely have laser focus, particularly with something like this.
You're right about the detachment and expecting too much of myself. It's been hard enough being apart and I have no idea what it will be like to have him back again after all of this.
Keeping myself on a relatively even keep is important and taking care of myself does need to be a top priority. I find the fear tends to have me jumping ahead a great many steps and feeling like I need a huge plan.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Talked to H. briefly on IM tonight - I needed to tell him that I'm no longer at my parents'. I kept it very brief, but asked if he wanted anything from the grocery store when I go tomorrow. It seemed like a somewhat considerate but not overdone gesture in the moment, since I have to go anyway, but now that I think about it I hope it doesn't seem like talking about the future.
He asked how my visit was, which I didn't expect, so I gave him a tiny bit of info. I asked how his is going in return, and he said it was hot and kind of gross but good, and that he got to see some friends and his family.
I have no sense of what he's thinking or feeling, and so I'm trying not to analyse the fact that he asked or the little bits of purely factual information that he gave me. Best to leave it alone and not raise hope or torment myself with less desirable possibilities. I'm more focused on the latter right now.
I'm still fighting the feeling that I should have been more in touch with him as a way to counter his complaints of not enough connection and intimacy. Must remember that he wanted space and to see if he missed me...
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Took some time for me tonight, although it started as a way to distract myself. Over the last few days a few people have asked me if it's possible that H. has seen the girl he talk to online while he's been away. I don't really know, although he could very easily be in frequent contact, which has got the possibility of an EA in my mind again.
On top of that, I remember today that the only time H. has shown emotion other than anger in the last four months has been when he was talking about how he doesn't feel worthwhile, but helping his online friend deal with some family issues made him feel like he could contribute something to someone. He got teary when he was talking about that. I haven't seen him cry over anything else.
The temptation to snoop was strong, but I resisted. Part of me wishes I knew definitively, but I don't know if I could keep this up if I knew for sure. I also don't know that it would change my desire to at least give this a chance, so I don't think knowing is really all that useful right now. I should give a bit of thought to boundaries, though.
Instead of doing something I'd regret I gave myself a hot oil treatment and a facial, had a nice cup of tea and picked up a novel. The urge isn't quite gone, but it's dissipating.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Claire had a suspicion about her husband having an affair and 25yrsmlc gave her guidelines for thinking it through on her thread. If you're worried about it, you might pop over there to keep you from spinning.
Since my BD was finding out about OW my thinking is probably too muddy to be helpful.
Your H's tears could refer to a LOT of things which may or may not be directly related to being helpful. They could just as easily refer to his general disappointment in himself. One thing I've really learned from my IC is that when you sit with an experience in your body it can be very surprising what truths emerge. So note them but don't mindread till you have more information.
Enjoy your evening!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Everything is fine, and today was actually pretty good, which I wasn't expecting. I've just been busy and enjoying myself, which is a huge and really nice change.
I woke up this morning feeling okay. H. wasn't the first thing I thought about, and I got up, went for a bike ride, and got in a bit of secondhand shopping - oddly enough, I bought myself a typewriter. I realised on the way home that H probably won't be thrilled about it, but put it out of my mind. I also got some new clothes to spruce myself up a bit more, just for fun.
I saw my IC today. It may have just been the day - some are more okay than others - but she said it seemed like I was in a much different place than I was two weeks ago. I'm not sure that it's coming through so well here, but I'm inclined to agree with her. If nothing else, my focus is a lot less on blanket self-blame and more on specific marriage problems and taking care of myself.
We had an interesting talk. First, she noted that because she's recently moved office she's been going through some old notes. She made some points about concerns that I had about H.'s work ethic, ways of dealing with finances, and apparent unwillingness or inability to go out and do much of anything well before we got married, so these are old concerns, and quite likely old resentments too. I'd forgotten much of this, but it probably fed into our dynamic quite a bit. It was also a huge relief to have more confirmation that this is a long-standing thing (contrary to H.'s assertions about how long I've been unhappy for).
She also expressed some concerns that he could have some counseling-worthy issues (both longer-term and based on how differently he's acting now). but stated that she couldn't diagnose without seeing him, which I knew. It was a bit of a relief to hear this, although it doesn't change things, and does raise some potential concerns if things don't wind up being resolvable. For now, though, she wants me to see where H. is when he gets back and we can work from there.
I found myself saying that I still want to try to work through things and that I've still got some wishful thinking going on, but that I needed a different marriage and a different H. There are some serious changes that will need to be made on both of our parts, and I'm still not sure if that's possible. But, for the first time today, I genuinely felt that things would be fine for me whether they happened or not. I think this has a lot to do with today just feeling like a good day overall, even though he's not here and things aren't a lot of fun in the relationship.
I came home after my appointment, stopped off at the bookstore, did some grocery shopping, bought a few treats, and then cleaned the apartment while dancing to loud music. I made myself a simple but tasty dinner, did a bit of sewing while watching TV, and I'm about to head off to bed. I can't say I didn't have any sad moments, but today I felt together and empowered and in control and really alive. I did what I wanted when I wanted, and it was pretty grand.
To end, and as a reminder to myself, here's a small list of things that I've really enjoyed on my own:
- eating fresh cherries and good yogurt without having to share - listening to any music I wanted as loudly as I wanted - getting only healthy foods at the grocery store - cooking vegetarian food - dancing around the apartment with no one cracking jokes about my (lack of) moves - cleaning efficiently and feeling productive - watching documentaries that no one else is that interested in - sewing while watching TV - keeping the sink clear - going to bed in complete quiet with no lights on
Last edited by Meghan; 07/30/1403:52 AM.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Today is going pretty well, but I'm starting to feel some trepidation about the fact that H. is coming home tomorrow. I'm having a hard time pinpointing exactly what it is that I'm nervous about, though.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
So funny. I was just doing laundry and I realized that the boy goes to camp on Sunday. H and I are taking him together. Then we are alone together for 2 weeks, but first we'll be alone in the car for 4 hours.
I'm terrified. I don't know what I dread more: silence on the car trip, or conversation.
