Finding my way - part 3

[Meghan]

Worst case in terms of anything in particular?

[Maybell]

Worst case implications of his changing his plans.

[Meghan]

Worst case possibility:

He staying there for some reason other than he's telling me. His long explanations - which are unusual - leave me feeling suspicious, but I have no idea for what.

Is he feeling guilty for knowing he'll upset me? For trying to get away from me? For seeing his online friend? For making plans to not come back? For setting up a job interview for the job that he mentioned that might not be remote?

I have no idea. I can't possibly know, and I can't mind read, much as I'd like to. But in either case, I feel like I'm being lied to or, at the very least, like he's been withholding information from me.

For me, I think the worst is a tie between the online friend (betrayal) or the job interview (making plans to leave). And, in either case, feeling like he's withholding information is awful beyond belief.

[Maybell]

But what implications do either of those things mean for you?

[Meghan]

If he's changing his plans for the reasons that he says - to see family - then I'm a bit disappointed and not thrilled with being told at the last moment, but I'll be okay and this will just go down in the annals of uncool things that H. did during this lousy time.

If he's lying to see his online friend, then I don't know. That would be a pretty big betrayal, and I would probably have to give some thought to whether I wanted to continue working on this, or at least think about how I want to work on it. I'm already creeped out by the situation. I suspect it would also shift the dynamics and I would be a lot more adamant about seeing commitment to doing the work and to changing from him.

If he's lying for a job interview, then I'm somewhere in the middle. Trying to reestablish his life hundreds of miles away from me is also not cool, particularly since he doesn't seem to be giving the relationship a shot. But this I'd be willing to forgive more readily than infidelity. That said, I already knew about that as a possibility, so I don't know why he'd lie about it now.

Is that what you meant by implications?

[Maybell]

Yes, and go further so you have an idea that whichever one it is, you know you can handle it.

But perhaps ten minutes after getting the email is too soon.

But do know that you CAN handle it.

And by Monday I think you're off the hook for birthday cake.

[Meghan]

Thanks, Maybell.

I think I'm mostly just feeling jerked around again. I'm sure he didn't change his ticket 12 hours before he left, so he's know for at least some period of time, and dealing with it as he did is just not cool. And, of course, I wonder what it all means.

I'm sure that I can handle it (well, I think I can, anyway). The trouble is, I think I'm getting sick of handling it. I know I need patience, and 30 minutes after the message is not going to be the most patient time, and I'm sure I'll feel at least somewhat better in the morning. I'm just consistently confounded by who this person is and feel less and less willing to deal with him.

I've never tried to hurt him. I know I have hurt him, but it was never intentional. And it feels like he's trying to actively hurt me now.

[Ss06]

I'm sorry, Meghan, the last minute informing of his changed plans seems like a jerk move. Here you were thinking about making a cake and he can't let you know he's considering it earlier? I'm peeved for you. (((Hugs)))

[Meghan]

Thanks, ss. I was really peeved too, and glad that I hadn't actually made the cake yet. I'm pretty sure he didn't change plans only 12 hours before he left, so I'm also pretty sure he's been withholding. Feels cruddy.

I just haven't felt like I've been liking him all that much recently, and this certainly didn't improve things. More than anything, I was angry with him - it's inconsiderate and all about him and, like you said, a jerk move (and apparently an intentional one). I guess I shouldn't be surprised, given how things have been, but then along comes some fresh new flavour of crappiness and I feel like I've been knocked a few steps backwards again.

[Meghan]

And I just realised that this means that I now have less than a week from when he gets back to our next counseling session, when we will inevitable talk about H.'s decision. So it feels like I now have less time to show him important changes. Awesome. Just awesome.

If nothing else, I'm glad I validated his decision to stay by saying that it sounded fun to see family and that it didn't sound like he'd seen much of them together yet. I didn't get in much else and I hope that didn't come across as me being upset. I just didn't know what else to say to all his long explanations of how he hasn't seen much family.

Looks like tonight is going to be a sleeping pill night.