Picked up the kids tonight didn't say much just hi, nice to see you. Asked if she had a good weekend with the girls. She said yes and told me they were both a bit under the weather. I wanted to talk more and text after, but I didn't. Just stomached everything and went on with my D's.
I do need a bit of advice? Tomorrow is D's last dance class and we will both be watching her. I am trying to back off as much as I can, should I not even set with her, and do my own thing? It is a good chance to just shoot the breeze though, maybe set with and talk about her day or what not? Thoughts?
I think I've found out about some things lately. It's all the dueling thoughts, what's right what's wrong? In theory that's great, buts it not that simple. As a man with low self esteem, I look to others for answers, I can't do that though. I have to find my own answers, it doesn't matter what others think. This came from my boss asking me if I filed for D or not yet? I said no, I am not done yet! He looked puzzled, been divorced twice himself, made me really think. I didn't say much after that. He wouldn't understand.
That's the problem, it's accepted to just give up. That's part of my issue. The pattern to give up is there. Everytime I think about giving up that's why, it's not that I want to, it's easy, everybody would think I was crazy for keeping up the battle. Is this why there are so many divorces today? Everybody just wants to give up, also got me thinking about my episode with OW.
It was totally wrong to tell my woes and problems with another female, and then equally wrong for her to tell me she thought I was perfect for her and we would be great together. Not only was I telling her my issues she was telling me her issues. It's not about whether or not you are right with someone, a shoulder to cry on is okay, but a true connection is what you need. I had that at one point with W, it's not there anymore, but possibly could be. I am actually upset with the OW and myself for falling into the trap.
Also got me thinking about other things. I have such a hard time with respect of women as is, how can I respect anyone now? I am trying to learn how to respect others more. It's not an easy task, but I am trying. The respect being gone is because I didn't respect myself at all. Every word they was even close to something I was doing wrong are at me, every time I felt angry or overwhelmed I saw only a thing to make feel like me, not my W. I see only something meant for my pleasure, sexual or otherwise. It wasn't always like that, just got worse the poorer I saw myself. At one point in time, I treated the W like a queen. That's what I really want, a queen for my meager kingdom.
I just want to have a life that's happy. A family that is solid, and myself happy doing what I want to do. I am trying, but finding it hard to keep it up. I do not want to give up and won't, until she tells me it's over for good. I just don't know if I can be the man she wants, and make all the changes needed for me let alone her. I will have to find that strength inside me. Sorry for the length, just needed to blow some steam. I am going to try and enjoy my girls for the next few days. Everyone be safe, and think positive.
I think a good thing to work on is your self esteem. People talk about having a low self esteem like it's a life sentence. Take this opportunity to look into that. You deserve that and I can tell you that there is absolutely nothing sexier, NOTHING, than a confident man. Find out what you can do in that area. Do it for you because you deserve to no longer have poor self esteem.
About the trap with the ow... You did it and now it's over. You were clearly looking for something there and got sucked in. Don't wallow in it. Take that discovery and turn it into a lesson. What do you need? Give that to yourself. You want to be happy and I believe that's unalienable but YOU have to provide it for yourself. Live for you and she will see that. Do it for real though. Not half way.
Had a decent text convo with W on Monday, she texted about the show the bachelorette. We used to watch it together, even though I hated it. There was a connection to our area on there, and she asked if I knew about it. No R talk just back and forth on that, and she was a bit under the weather too. I practiced some validation.
Last night we went D's dance practice to watch. It was parent observation night. Once again no R talk, but just light convo. Fairly good couple of nights. Fighting wanting to text and ask her how she is doing today. But I will just keep it to myself and leave her alone.
Fear of the unknown, it has a grip so hard on me right now. I feel like I gave up 10 years of my life, I will not get it back, I will have to move forward. The only thing helping is the fact that I know what I did, I know I can fix myself. I just still don't want to lose the W.
I know I was a complete ahole for the last few years. I was so unhappy with how everything was turning, but I could have had control over it. It was my decision to act like that, my choices my consequences. Doesn't change how I feel about wife, or marriage overall. All the good I have done recently for me, as opened up a the me I want to be, I still fall into a trap now and then, but after years of this it's going to take more than a few months to fix. With the me I want though, also comes desire to have W back even more. How can you draw a line and use those feelings to fight for it, but drop the rope as well?
I still have constant thoughts to a point of contacting, one thing has changed though. I don't want to contact to talk about M, I just want to talk. Talk about life, stories, things happening. That's what I loved about us, being able to just talk about the little things and listen. Maybe it's a connection I'm getting back bony bringing our issues up so much. It's just very hard to fight back the feelings of want.
Any advice on things to say when we drop off kids? I usually say something like good to see you, have a good week, something like that! Is that wrong, should I just say nothing. I don't mean it as pursuing, but I could see it that way. Just looking for tips. I am so bad with women, and trying to talk, but I am trying to find ways to overcome that.
You're on the right track, Roid. You're just impatient.
Keep building on those positive interactions but don't force anything. Keep on being friendly and cordial, no R talk.
I remember my goal was to make it safe for WAW to talk to me. I kept being friendly but not over the top. Very slowly these conversations evolved into deeper and more meaningful things. Eventually we started talking about "us" without any pressure.
It takes time, allow her to feel safe with you. Baby steps.
I know it's just hard to stay away with the kids, and be quiet. Trying to find the delicate balance. Fighting wanting to text her now. But won't do it.
Patience is a mother!!! I so bad want to text her today, tell her how I am feeling. Tell her what I am thinking. I can do this, but boy is it tough. A major 180 for me is my patience. I must continue for me, it actually feels good sometimes to not get so worked up over stuff, and think it has to be done right now.
