This just shows that domestic violence impacts and cuts across all socio-economic groups. It is isn't always confined to certain groups as the media would lead you to believe by their daily dose of stirred up drama.
Sadly most of the abused believe the abuser. They so want the abuser to have changed. The abuser on the other hand is a manipulater that chips away at their preys self esteem and seperates them from their friends and family.
I hope she gets away again. Her life may well be on the line now.
Since she doesn't live near you, what are your options?
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
You are absolutely correct about abusers being master manipulators. It's so tough to see that.
Woman A isn't a friend of mine or anything. This guy is someone I know whose wife is very good friends with Woman A. So I offered to help by having this Woman A move to my guest room so she can move forward in a new life.
Guess not. sigh
I have absolutely no control over this situation. Woman A lives several states away.
I can imagine that the abuser will shower Woman A with affection and attention for a couple of days then go right back to his old, cruel ways.
Hopefully Woman A will really wake up and find the courage to step on his face and LEAVE him for GOOD.
There's only so much we can do from a great distance.
Wow, Wonka. That's some sad stuff. And I'm glad you got it off your chest. I find that whole gig really perplexing, and although I know what I've read about domestic abuse, it's the kind of topic where I have ZIP experience in it myself.
However, it's not that far removed from me physically.
I live next door to such a dynamic, and have for 14 years. The couple are my parents' ages (77), have 4 kids and lots of grandkids. The husband is a retired AF colonel. He's a drunk who is verbally and physically abusive to his wife. He's gone to jail, been under court supervised antabuse (for 2 years!), and his wife remains with him to this day.
My neighbors have all called the cops to no avail. In fact, I have a cop friend who used to work the 12-8 shift that I used to invite over for breakfast at the end of his shift. The first time he came over I actually knew what he was going to say. And he didn't fail me. "I knew exactly where you were. It was really easy for me to find your house. I've had calls to your next door neighbor's house many times."
What's really disturbing is that I talked with my cop friends at great lengths about this. They told me to tread carefully due to the Freedom of Information act. He has a right to find out who contacted the sheriff. They told me that they could break into the house if I was convinced that he was going to kill her, so to know I have a trump card. But they advised me to let other neighbors call the cops because I live next door and we don't know how things would play out for me personally.
It really stinks. I hate hearing what he yells. It's awful, and I wouldn't yell that sh!t at a spider, let alone another human being. For the life of me, I don't understand why her kids don't kidnap her and press charges against their dad. He's beaten her up before, and they know it. It's supremely sad to me.
A couple days ago I was out watering my flowers when a lady and her dog walked by and a tirade was in process. She shook her head sadly and said, "I always wondered which house it was, and I live clear at the end of the block."
Yuck.
The whole thing is yuck. And the saddest part is that they want to want to leave. Nothing else will do the trick.
Good for you for offering to shelter her awhile. You're a good egg, Wonka. It reflects well on you and your generous heart.
Hugs-Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
And for the record, the whole thing is unsafe for everyone. My dad is a retired DC police LT, and he lost his best friend in a domestic call in 1976. It was his last call at the end of his shift, at 6 am in the morning. The wife called the cops, he responded, and he was met at the front door with a fatal gunshot.
Ugh.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Me neither...this was my first direct experience with domestic violence and I stepped up by offering space at my house. When the man told me the bad news on the phone, I was stunned into silence and mumbled "thanks for letting me know." Afterward, I nearly cried. It felt as if I failed Woman A. Intellectually, I knew she made her choice...BUT...still....ya know?
Since then, I've found a bit difficult to concentrate on my work and not feeling too DB happy here hence my silence on others' threads. Feeling a bit defeated and "not good enough" at this.
Alrighty...let's gather around Molly Ringwald's kitchen table.
I feel like I have been tossed in a rip-roaring ocean storm worthy of a George Clooney and am feeling emotionally spent.
Today was my first day at a new job and I had zero sleep due to the storms that caused a power outage which meant my alarm clock was affected. Didn't want to miss this very important day on MY FIRST DAY. So didn't sleep a wink...probably about 45 mins before the alarm went off at 5:00 am (I had to reset it sometime around 4 am). Grrrrrr.
As you probably can imagine, I was very tired and trying to stay awake for some human services drivel at this new company. Then I had to meet a former colleague afterward to review some transition issues so this woman is somewhat acclimated to this new process.
Before I met with this colleague at a hotel lobby, my smartphone buzzes. Guess what? It was a long response from Ms. Wonka. Tough stuff and I sat outside on an iron/wood bench on a nice, breezy day composing a response to Ms. Wonka. Twice the phone just died on me. Really weird because the battery was full. After the second time it died out on me suddenly and without cause, I said out loud to no one in particular:
Universe, I suppose you're trying to tell me not to send my response to Ms. Wonka.
In my response, I was pretty firm and a bit push back. Lost it all so I am going to take this sign to take a break and really think about how I would respond to Ms. Wonka's email in an authentic way while remaining true to my own truths.
What I am struggling with is that it brought up some anger and old resentments. F*ck how I am supposed to think of how a friendship with Ms. Wonka would look like or whatever when I still have this chalk-on-blackboard reaction to hearing/seeing the OW's name.
For the record, I am not DBing Ms. Wonka nor even contemplating a reconciliation with her. Just that some of the old scabs are being picked at and I am not liking it one bit at all!!!!! GRRRRRRRRR....I was telling myself on the drive back home tonight: "Ok, ok...I have been working on this forgiveness thing and thought I got it down pat. And now this??!! Guess I still need to do some more work on forgiveness" with some deep breaths interspersed between some choice swear words and c'mons.
The one thing that really, really bugs me is how sensitive my deep emotional scar is....it's throbbing with some pain. This leads me to come to the conclusion that deep emotional scars from the betrayal having a front seat to your spouse carrying on an affair with OW/OM remain with you for a long, long time.
I just don't know how to move past it. I work hard at it and think I've got it wrapped nicely with a bright red bow ...and then get SLAMMED with an email out from the left field.
All of this happened when:
-I am on the very first day of my new job -I am seriously sleep deprived -I am trying to get to a new mindset/frame of mind with this new transition
BLAMO!!! This email from Ms. Wonka. Not what I needed today at all.
Back to square 10 to have a chat with my wounded self and figure out a way to respond to Ms. Wonka that contains some hard truths while remained centered in my own integrity.
I do not plan to respond to Ms. Wonka for a while because I need to figure out what the heck is going one and HOW I feel about it.
Tally-ho...here's the latest email from Ms. Wonka (last response from her was back in July and it contained a cryptic message that said "will be in touch later) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Wonka,
I trust that you had a nice Labor weekend. It took me a long time to respond to your email. I have given time to try to understand and I hope this may open more dialogue. I am trying to put this out to discuss and share my thoughts.
OWName is an integral part of my life, I feel that you do not acknowledge me as a person who I chose to be with. Whatever your opinion you have about OWName you can keep it to yourself. I wonder about the level of friendship we have. I am sure you will understand not talking about things that is most important in your life with whom you are trying to strengthen and support can be difficult. I find it as a one-way friendship.
I understand that there may be some issues that may be difficult. Like we mentioned past is past. It is not like that I would share our private stuff. But like hey, you know what, OWName and I went to this fun party....I feel that I cannot mention her name in my conversations. That to me, is not being myself.
The issues of friendship can be of our choosing, and how much we can share. I noticed that all the issues we talk about are focused in the past such as family or football which I noticed is initiated on your part. It is safe topics. I ask myself, what do I want from Wonka?
I just want to know that you are doing things that you enjoy, your humor, what is important to you now? Are you comfortable. What kind of vegetables are you growing?
That stuff...mundane stuff....is what is important to me.
I had not heard from you in a while and of all our birthdays, we always send an email. I did not hear from you. And all of sudden you start sending me emails about football. It is confusing to be quite honest. This is why I said that I would get back to you. I needed to sort things out.
-March 2014: I sent out a letter to Ms. Wonka apologizing for hurts I inflicted on her during my MLC chit and asking how I can make sincere amends -We go back and forth for about two weeks (the most deep exchanges in nearly 10 years) -The last one from Ms. Wonka, she practically comes right out and "demands" that I acknowledge OW. -I responded that I did. However, it does not mean that I have to respect her. Never have, not now, nor ever will. Ended by stating that there will be some subjects that we cannot discuss freely. It is just the way it is.
Silence from Ms. Wonka.
-Didn't send her a HBD text in May because 1) I was busy at a family wedding 2) I forgot
-I sent out a text wishing her a Happy Fourth. She doesn't respond until July 10th...thanked me then said cryptically "I will be in touch later"
-After a looong radio silence, I sent her a short text (ONE...mind you) in mid-August stating that I looking forward to NFL starting.
-Nothing from Ms. Wonka until late this afternoon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here are my initial, stream of consciousness thoughts at the moment. Subject to change after getting some sleep, clearing my head, going out for some really, really long walks.
-I felt disrespected by Ms. Wonka with her shoving OWName down my throat -It has nothing to do with Ms. Wonka as a person. It has a lot to do with how I perceive the OW and her actions that contributed to the demise of our M. Not cool. -I will not allow Ms. Wonka to try to muzzle my opinions that are authentic and came from the real core inside of my values -I don't see it as a one-way friendship. I see it as an issue of respecting another person's feelings and point of view. I have many other friends where some certain subjects are not brought up because we just know not to go there because of the hurt or what not. -I feel very put off by this latest approach by Ms. Wonka. It feels like she's trying to strong-arm me into accepting the OW and being buddy-buddy with them. NOT!! -It is clear to me that Ms. Wonka may have some expectations and/or assumptions on what a friendship is supposed to look like -She is no longer my #1 -Our friendship will NEVER be the same...ever -It is forever altered -I just don't care to hear about her and OW doing activities/events together. I am just not that enlightened. I am entitled to these feelings. -Trust is broken between us. My walls are up sooooo high...
I struggle with letting down my guard. Just don't know how I want to approach this and if I want some type of friendship with Ms. Wonka after all the cr*p she pulled out while in her Affair Fog.
Right now, I am emotionally spent, tired, cranky.
IF you ask me how I'm feeling, I'd say that I was done with this. I don't need this emotional diarrhea from Ms. Wonka splashing all over me. And I refuse to allow all of that to pollute my energy field.
