Saving my marriage by Focusing on me (Part 3)

[Oxford1]

Thanks to all of the folks posting on my thread especially in the last few days I have sat down and actually compared who I am now to who I was a year ago.

I still have my concerns with several issues that have been shown me both here and by our MC, but I definitely am a better man than I was.

If I can just focus on a few more 180's such as not being passive aggressive or throwing an occasional dig I think I will be where I want to be.

[Oxford1]

My last thread Saving my marriage by focusing on me ( Part 2)

[Oxford1]

So here is one I bet no one has ever heard before.

W- " I never intended for the EA to become a PA but when you told me that an EA is as bad as a PA I figured what the hey..."

Or another one

W- " you were not treating me well you called me a beatch etc et long before my EA...."

Ox- " well did you ever think that it was in response to all the emotional abuse you dished at me?"

W- " don.t go there don't you go there, you should only know what you put me through"


Ox- " well I refuse to live in an open marriage I am not willing to share my wife with an OM"
W- " well I am sorry I am not ready to end communication with OM and you can't make me"

Ox---" I am not trying to make you do anything "

And on and on...
Then the excuse was S21 moved home so we did not have time for us..blah blah blah blah...

It seems like everything is my fault nothing is her fault...even the A is my fault!

The MC pointed out some issues when I saw her individually last night. She pointed out multiple flaws in W's logic and faults deep within the OM...I was shocked until I found out she met OM.

So now that I laid down my boundaries to my WS she tells me she's not ready to decide but she's not leaving me, the kids or the house and I can't make her..

[Starsky309]

Wow. Just . . . wow.

[unbidden]

Ox, dude, drop the rope. You're locked in some sick dance of dysfunction with your W. You're just going round and round. Can't you see it? I think she enjoys jerking your chain and you're not going to make any progress on yourself or with her until you man up and drop her. Stay in your lane and leave her alone. You're a salesman, right? What if you knew you weren't going to close on having a successful M with W unless you totally stopped caring what she was doing or who she was with, no need to be mean, just all business. If you knew you could close if you did that for six months could you do it? Would you?

[shodan]

Ox

so sorry to read this. I am no expert (clearly) but would agreed with what I think the general sentiment will be, which is to 100% detach. Does this mean you file for the D? Formally separate? Maybe. She is so far gone right now. Your W is someone deep inside her but right now this other W is what you are getting.

Do you have a DB coach? Might be worth the investment.

[Oxford1]

Ox, dude, drop the rope. You're locked in some sick dance of dysfunction with your W. You're just going round and round. Can't you see it? I think she enjoys jerking your chain and you're not going to make any progress on yourself or with her until you man up and drop her. Stay in your lane and leave her alone. You're a salesman, right? What if you knew you weren't going to close on having a successful M with W unless you totally stopped caring what she was doing or who she was with, no need to be mean, just all business. If you knew you could close if you did that for six months could you do it? Would you?

Thanks...Great advice, that's the conclusion I came to last night. I wrote a letter to my MC this morning that I am debating posting. I just don't want to be the accused of focusing to much on W or OM.

[Oxford1]

Ox

so sorry to read this. I am no expert (clearly) but would agreed with what I think the general sentiment will be, which is to 100% detach. Does this mean you file for the D? Formally separate? Maybe. She is so far gone right now. Your W is someone deep inside her but right now this other W is what you are getting.

Do you have a DB coach? Might be worth the investment.

I have a DB Coach but this conversation with W never had really happened, I was to wrapped up in my issues to have this conversation. The folks on the thread kind of held my hand to have it...

I will discuss this with my coach the next time we speak.

[Starsky309]

I have a DB Coach but this conversation with W never had really happened, I was to wrapped up in my issues to have this conversation. The folks on the thread kind of held my hand to have it...

Hunh???

[KenF]

Ox, ive heard all that stuff too.

my x told me I pushed her into sleeping with her boss, I was abusive, I didnt support her, I did this and that, etc etc.

its called Making The Monster.

she remembers only the bad, ignores the good, exaggerates when necessary, rewrites history if needed to make you into The Monster. it justifies her actions. and wins sympathy from those around her. its her method of deflecting any of the responsibility.

what you remember doesnt matter.

you're busy Making The Maiden. you're doing the opposite, forgetting the bad, ignoring what you've done, what she's done, etc to the point you believe you had a wonderful M and theres no reason for her to leave.




Walk away.

this is a sale you cant close while pushing, the only hope is if you take the offer off the table. offer ends at PA.


I understand you want to save your M. and it s*cks because you cant. It sounds to me as if its gotten to the point where she'll stay in the R with OM just to prove herself.

waiting for her to end it on her own wont work. why would it? she's got the best of all worlds and after shoving her affair in your face over and over you're still there, she knows you wont go anywhere.

W- " well I am sorry I am not ready to end communication with OM and you can't make me"

she wont. and you cant. but you can end your involvement with her. and move on. its not as bad out there as you think, and its much much better than where you are now.