Mike, I don't personally have kids and I'm still relatively new around here, so I don't know that I'm qualified to give you advice on your current event. I did however want to pop in and say I hope your anniversary went as well as posible yesterday. I had mine a week and a half ago and had zero contact with W the entire day. It was hard, but I got out and pushed through it. Hope you got through yours ok as well.
Me: 28 W: 28 Together: 9.5 years Married: 4 years Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
What I want to do, is tell her that I think it is disrespectful to my children and myself that she has been bringing a man around my kids the last 2 weekends that she has had them.
She knows that. You don't need to tell her.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
The anniversary went ok. I had some friends over to spend time with the kids and I. I didn't attempt any contact, nor did WAW. She spoke to my kids a few times. WAW knew I had friends over because D8 told her while talking, so at least she knows that I wasn't just sitting around feeling down. I can't read minds, but I know that to some degree it affects her knowing that I have made it a point to GAL.
At the point I am at now, I have uncertainty as to what direction my marriage is going to go. I have made a decision that if there is another man, I am going to move on. I love my family and I love my WAW, but I will not allow myself to go back to a marriage where there has been infidelity. I know with my WAWs past it's a strong possibility, and I am holding out hope and praying that she doesn't put herself in that position.
In the meantime, being the strong man of faith and source of strength is what I need to be successful and what my kids need to see from me. I am just going to continue to detach, use the 37 steps towards her, and trust that God will do the rest. Whatever she does is on her. Her lease is up in October so she is going to have to begin to decide what step to take. I am beginning to sense a bit of anxiety about that date and I am sure that she is as well. If the thought of October, upcoming holidays etc. doesn't bring her any anxiety then she really is in a fog.
Early on in our separation, she would often mention that she was lost, confused, and broken, and while my marriage did contribute to some of that, I know that her past also affected her perception of marriage. I read something not too long ago that spoke on women that have been molested/raped/abused have a difficult time accepting love/stability and feel more comfort in rejection/fear because that is an emotion that is familiar. Often times people with these pasts sabotage their relationships because of this.
It's an unfortunate thing because I am confident that I have been a good man (with flaws of course), but I can't rescue her or control anything anymore with her. I set healthy boundaries as a husband that she didn't really respect. When I stopped feeling respect, I stopped truly listening to her love languages and it went a difficult direction.
I'm at a comfortable point now where I am just going to GAL and she will look back at me and see strength and stability and have to decide if that is what she wants or not. I am going to focus on not giving any reasons why not to return, as that only adds fuel to her self fulfilling prophecy as why she wants to leave.
She promised my daughter yesterday on the phone that she was going to try to work things out with her and I and I'm prayful that she means it. In the meantime, my D and S are getting an outpouring of love from me so that they feel secure knowing that they have a father that loves and respects them.
Well a bit of an update. There was a bit of a backslide 2 days ago because I was upset that my wife has a male friend and that made me flip out. WAW broke her hand over the weekend and I showed zero concern. Partly out of bitterness towards her, partly because I was focused on detaching. It's actually a pretty gruesome break and I showed very little concern or sympathy. Seeing all the stuff on here about OM made me expect the worse and I said some harsh statements to my WAW when I picked kids up from Doctor's office rather than even share any further sympathy. I made it about myself as I often times did.
Yesterday, however was a bit of a turning point. My son had a doctor appt that we all went to, and after the appt, WAW asked if I'd like to have lunch together with the family. I suggested that we bring lunch to the park and we wound up talking for close to 3 hours as the kids played. I made this conversation about her talking about the hurts that she had towards me. Validated like crazy, didn't get defensive, avoided arguments, and let her vent. She is aware that I am going to IC, and she seemed pleased with my responses and empathy. I tried to avoid R talk as much as possible, but there were some subtle mentions. When acknowledging my shortcomings, I told her, If God decides to bring us back together, you can be confident that it'll be different, because I will be different. I also made it a point to emphatically let her know without saying love, that I am fighting for our family and wear my ring because I am proud to be her husband. Some of these things may have been against the rules if you will, but she saw a much more confident man, but also a more sensitive man, and one that was willing to hear her feelings rather than just defend my position.
I have realized as a LBS I put too much focus early on on how I felt about her leaving, rather than what caused her to have to leave. It feels good. I still have no expectations, though I do have my vision as what I would like and hopefully in time that matches her vision. I get why she is wounded though and I think for the first time since splitting, she sees that I get it. I had asked her if maybe in 2 or 3 weeks we can all get together again as a family and she didn't say no.
I realizes she needs to breathe a bit away from me for now, and I will continue to let her heal from a distance as I try to show off my changes every chance that I get. I feel encouraged and thought that I would share.
My goodness. My WAW came over for kid exchange this AM. I picked her up something from Starbucks before she came and gave it to her. It's hard to see her in a good way. I'm so madly in love with her and it's hard to look at her without being tempted to tell her. Knowing that some of the things I did pushed her away is tough. Not beating myself up about it, but still miss that woman more than anything. She's going to be taking my D8 to a mother daughter retreat next week and will be completely isolated from everything. I'm praying that God touches her heart while she is there. She mentioned how tough it is to know the kids are making memories without her there. She also knows the love I have for her without even saying it. I realize her wall is up because she doesn't want to hurt again. Praying for a miracle and my God, it's hard to detach from the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with.
It's hard to see her in a good way. I'm so madly in love with her and it's hard to look at her without being tempted to tell her.
That's exactly how I feel. Hang in there. Know that there are others here who are going through exactly what you're going through.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
I have realized as a LBS I put too much focus early on on how I felt about her leaving, rather than what caused her to have to leave. It feels good. I still have no expectations, though I do have my vision as what I would like and hopefully in time that matches her vision. I get why she is wounded though and I think for the first time since splitting, she sees that I get it.
I'm new here and don't have much to offer in the way of advice, but I just wanted to chime in and say that I completely understand what you mean here. While I still disagree with my H's decision to move out, I see his perspective much more clearly now than I did before, and I understand better how my words and actions have wounded him. I'm glad that you were able to express that to your W and I hope she will give value to your words and to the space you are giving her to process them.
Long time no post. Been focusing on the steps and GAL. WAW and daughter are at a Christian Camp this week, and I have taken the week off to spend time with S6.
There were two significant conversations that I have had with WAW recently. The first one being this past Saturday. During a conversation, she posed the question? What would I do if she decides to begin dating? I really initially didn't know how to respond other than, is this your way of telling me that you are dating and you want my reaction? She said that she wasn't, that she just wants to know. Hard to really make much from that. Believe nothing said and half seen right?
So the next day, WAW came to house to pick up some stuff to take to camp. I asked if we could finish the conversation from previous night, and she was rushed so I said never mind. About 10 mins later she locked her keys in the car and called me, blaming me of all things, because she said since I made her rush out of my house. She was carrying a very negative and disrespectful tone towards me and it was in front of D8.
Immediately after helping her open the car, she called again complaining yet again about something and being critical of me in front of my daughter. I immediately hung up and sent her a text which said the following: Been a bit too nice and accommodating. She snapped at me today in front of the kids today for no good reason...this is what I texted her after pulling away...
I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TALKED TO BY ANYONE THE WAY I WAS BEING SPOKEN TO RIGHT NOW AND ESPECIALLY IN FRONT OF OUR CHILD! I AM A GOOD PERSON AND I EXPECT TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT AND NOT ATTACKED. EVERYTHING THAT GOES BAD IN YOUR LIFE IS NOT AUTOMATICALLY MY FAULT AND IT IS EXTREMELY UNFAIR TO ME THAT IS HOW I AM BEING AND CONSTANTLY BEING TREATED. YOU AREN'T ALWAYS THE VICTIM MEL, OTHER PEOPLE ARE IMPACTED BY YOUR WORDS TOO!
She immediately apologized via text and then I told her over text that if she begins a relationship or continues dating (if she has but hasn't owned up to it), then the guy can have her and I'll move on. That's my boundary. I realize that she may not consider us married right now, and I get that, but I also know I'm not doing to be anyone's back up plan, 2nd choice, etc.
You would benefit greatly from the advice of a Divorce Busting Coach. Learn the things you need to say and do to save your marriage and keep your family together. You will be supported, heard and guided. Call me to discuss our Coaching program. 303-444-7004.
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
