Definitely going through some emotional turmoil at the moment in my head. It's funny how (TMI alert) my "cycle" dictates my emotions.
I can pretty much count down like clockwork that I'll go through a hurt/sad phase, followed by an angry phase, followed by an almost euphoric "I can do this" phase.. and press repeat and start again... every four weeks.
Right now: cue hurt/sad phase.
The only good thing about having an "emotional schedule" is you know what's coming and that it will pass.
Time to go buy myself some unhealthy snacks for the weekend.
I stopped responding to H's chit-chatty/non-essential communications, and he doesn't send much of that stuff anymore. It's nice to not have to see their name pop up in an email or text and get that sudden twinge. I've finally finished a pasta casserole that I made on Monday (silly me making something that could feed a family of four, I've been eating it every day) so I'm SO looking forward to getting some unhealthy fast food dinner tomorrow night as well I'm already thinking about a stuffed crust pizza slice and breadsticks with nacho cheese from a nearby pizza place... yum.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
Ha. KGirl, that is the one major thing I've noticed. I've just eaten the same meal for 3 nights in a row.. I don't seem able to cook for one.
I know what you mean about not responding, but I don't know how to deal with that re my personal situation. If you haven't read my (extra long) story.. I now live in a different country from my ex.. and we don't have any shared assets like a house to discuss. So, if I want communication, it's either chit-chat or nothing.
My rule of thumb is that I never ask any questions. But with every email he sends, he does, so I reply.
I have wondered what I would do if he didn't ask a question.. I'd like to think I wouldn't respond. But then is that it? Is that how the relationship ultimately ends.. one day we just stop talking, and that is IT... forever?
I realise at some point one of us will have to do something.. and it will probably be me, because my ex is the procrastinator to end all procrastinators. For now, though, I don't feel comfortable going NC or going dark.. or any of those things. And if I was to be the one to end this, I'd probably have to tell him "Okay, this is the last time I'm ever going to email you."
And that just feels silly.
I read back over this, though, and I can see how confused I am.
I do wonder about that too... I had a thought the other day along the lines of "so will we just fizzle out and stop talking and finally one of us will say 'well, I guess we should officially end this?' " We don't live together anymore and have no kids, but we do still have some shared assets so that has facilitated some logistical communication. More and more of that is getting sorted out so communication is less. When I had a little anxiety attack one day about whether or not I should have said something to H about how me moving doesn't mean I was done, that I'd still be open to getting back together, lots of people said similar things: -If he wanted to R with you he knows how to find you -If he's too stubborn or prideful to reach out do you really want an R with someone like that anyway? -and as Maybell nicely put it, "Do you want a marriage where you have to constantly remind your partner that you're around and want to make him happy? Or would you prefer to be chased just enough to know you are valued?" Those things helped me feel better about being a little more distant on the communication from my end. And, I was also reminded to be pleasant and light. What that has meant for me is if H sends me something that doesn't really require a response (like a few weeks ago when he sent me pictures of some patio chairs and said "thought you might like the color of these") and I feel like a response might be helpful because it's been awhile or it seems like he's looking for an acknowledgement, I'll respond briefly but politely in a way that doesn't continue a conversation (like "Neat!" regarding the chairs).
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
I would certainly agree with you on how you are interacting with your H.
In my case, he never sends a little message. If he did, I'd ignore it too or follow your rules of being nice, but not chatty.
Instead, we've fallen into the pattern of a decently-sized email every one or two weeks.. he updates me on life, asks about mine, etc. There are usually at least four or five paragraphs of discussion.. about his family, my family. It feels very regimented in a way, but I feel that he's not ready to let go.
In April, we were chatting on Skype and I was extremely emotional and he shut down for about a month, saying he thought we needed to stop communicating. I stopped being emotional (for my sake and his) and have been pleasant ever since, and he's never mentioned it since. Of course, we haven't Skyped again, but the difference is that HE is ensuring that the conversation progresses.. not me.
Sometimes I don't even know if I want him back or not. I know I don't want him back without some serious changes on his end. I also know that he has to go through whatever he's going through by himself, especially if he's going to come out the other end as a better/happier person.
I just wish HE could see that. He is stagnant. The only thing he's changed about his life is getting rid of me. Other than that.. all the things he has complained about for years (and accused me of holding him back from) have remained the same, with no end in sight.
And that's what I worry about. I don't want him to be the person he is right now, for his sake. It makes me sad.
Mine joined fb last year when things got crazee! His I was on, but I did something stupid when it al, hit the fan. So he will never add me, I did try to re friend, which I later withdrew. His and ow have totally 100% private pages, which Is nice I see nothing.
He joined when he was join to the desert, supposedly to keep up with me. There was no ow known at this stage. He was picking fights with me and hit s16 I think so I would end it.
He thought that would be the deal breaker.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Hmm. I know I have "broken" the rules here, but I'm in a complete spin.
After BD, not a single one of my EX's friends or family members have contacted me, which is a whole separate "hurt" given that I was extremely close with his family and even lived with his mother for four years. Because they have all basically cut me out, I have (perhaps stupidly) assumed that if something awful happened to my EX, no one would contact me.
Thus, every day I search for his name just to make sure he hasn't been hit by a car or something. I know that's stupid..
I also check the Facebook results each day. I read somewhere once that when people break up, they start posting on Facebook more, and I started to wonder if he would join. Well, sure enough, today, instead of four results for his name, there were five. Even though the new result is completely private, I am almost positive it is him..
I know this is stupid but I am completely freaking out and mind-reading.. what does it mean? Is it because he's started dating again? Is it because he has someone new in his life? He is an extremely private person and has always rallied against Facebook, so what has changed..
I know my thread goes largely unread, but it's nice to have somewhere to vent.
My heart is hurting today. I don't know.. I feel like I should be better by now but I'm not. It's been almost 10 months since he left and I've had plenty of room for detachment.. I've only seen him twice and spoken to him on the phone maybe 3-4 times.. and there's been maybe 20 emails in between, if that.
But today is the longest it's been since I received an email and I am freaking out. It doesn't help that (a) he joined Facebook and (b) his mother keeps Googling me. Without revealing too much, I have my own business website and it has tracking, so I know it's her...
She never contacted me after the split, which really hurt me. I know, I know.. I could have contacted her, but I felt like since HE left me, it was up to her. She also has gone through this herself.. her H (my ex's father) left her 14 years ago and she's still not "over it".. so I thought she of all people would offer me some understanding. And I did live with her for 4 years..
I don't know why she's Googling me. It bothers me. If you want to know about me, email me..
And then I get it into my head that my ex must be seeing someone else.. and she knows about it, so that leads her to Google me.
Today is just one of those highly emotional days, I guess.
