While I agree that a coach may be helpful, I also know that I am not going to sit back and watch my WAW begin dating. That is a boundary that I set and I intend to keep.
What I mean by that is that our separation was one that was intended to be therapeutic and lead to reconciliation. For me, her dating another man is ultimately a deal breaker to me. It's one thing if she grabs a bite with a male friend, but quite a different thing if she begins a relationship with another man. To me it's a respect thing to both me and my children.
So it was with the understanding that there was no D on the table and the two of you would resume as usual after a period of time? Or did the two of you perhaps a different mindset? Was it actually agreed upon, or did you assume their would be a reconciliation?
Their have been several LBH's who have been told their WAW's OM was only a male friend. So don't be too shocked to find out this is the truth for your W.
If you are primarily supporting your W financially (even paying for her beauty shop appointments?) then she could have more than one reason to keep her separated life as private from you as possible. I'm not digging for something to make you feel worse, but this stitch is very common here on the board.
Be certain that you understand the definition of boundaries and how it works. An ultimatum and a boundary are not the same. Your boundaries are not used as a means to control her. . Just b/c you say something is a boundary doesn't mean she is going to honor it. In other words, don't throw that word around thinking it will stop her in her tracks.
I think you will be tested more. Stay close to God b/c you'll need strength.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, that is exactly it. Our separation was a therapeutic separation her words not mine, designed to strengthen our relationship and help us to relearn some positive behaviors. Early on we started MC, but unfortunately, she stopped going as the counselor started identifying things that she may had done to push me away. We still were piecing at that stage but she got cold feet as she felt as though the relationship wouldn't change.
During these last few months, divorce has been something that she has talked about. It has come up during normal conversations and not just heated arguments.
So hearing dating come up is the ultimate sign that she is intending to move on. I don't put the boundary in place to control her. Rather it is one that I have established because I know I would hold it over her head, whether I would like to or not if she did date and then months or years later we reconciled.
Not to mention, if she began dating her friend that she has been bringing around our kids, it wouldn't send a healthy image to them either.
My wife has a difficult past, and I know that she bases her happiness/security on how others feel about her rather than from an internal self confidence or a spiritual sense of self worth from God.
I love my wife and I want my marriage and family restored. I however know that I have to establish my own line in the sand as to what I would tolerate and what I wouldn't. If she wants to move on I cannot stop her and I realize that. I also know that as I detach (maybe out of a position of pain), that I am strong enough and confident that I will weather the storm.
Like you said, I will be tested, and I will continue to pray for strength and lean on my faith.
Invited WAW to meet up at local park tonight to have early dinner and spend time with the kids and she accepted. At first she said no, but texted shortly after saying she changed her mind. It's for the kids, (she knows that they are having a tough time), but I'm still encouraged that she said yes.
Nice night for dinner. Low key. I spent more time talking with her as kids wanted to play. She talked and I spent much more time listening. Felt good just hearing her talk. No R talk, a little kid talk, but not much there either. I tried to end the evening before her, but she suggested we all get dessert so I accepted.
At the end of the evening (she had complained about her self esteem recently), I simply told her, by the way, you have no reason to have low self-esteem, you are beautiful inside and out. She responded with a simple thank you and a smile.
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
I'll share personal progress on Friday as well as anything that WAW shows as a result.
Last night my D8 was having a very difficult night. She bottles up her anger and then she allows it explode at times. It's often directed at me, and last night she told me she only shares her thoughts about my stitch with me and not WAW. I asked her why, and she said that WAW never asks how she if feeling about everything.
I suggested that she begin journaling her thoughts and brought her a notepad to help her write down how she feels. She surprised me this morning by sharing a letter that she wanted to give to WAW about how she felt. I was hesitant to let her give the letter because the last thing I wanted WAW to think was that I was using my kids to get to her. However, I prayed on it and my daughter insisted that she give it to her. She included a picture of the house with my full family and all of our pets. It was pretty touching actually to me. This is what her letter said,
"Dear Mommy, I don't like when you guys are separated. It feels like you are not a family. It feels like we don't spend that much time with you and Pop. I want to be in the same house by Halloween. I am angry that we don't spend time with each other on weekends. Love, Jordynn"
Not sure if WAW will approach me about this at all. Not really expecting it, but if she does, I must remember to follow the rules and not let her draw me into a fight and validate any feelings that she may have.
The most important thing about all of this is that my D8 has been struggling expressing herself with WAW and not me, and at least this opens up healthy dialogue with Mommy and Daughter.
Just got a text from WAW. Very uncharacteristic of her. Said that she is feeling super down and to please say a quick prayer for her. I responded if there is anything specific she needed prayer on, and she only replied that there is a lot wrong, and that is why she is down and asking for prayer.
