adinva, just wanted to say hello. you seem to have tremendous patience. I too have boys, 17 and 20. S20 will share his feelings. S17 stuffs them down. my hat is off to you! one time my h said to boys something about communicating and I just started laughing uncontrollably, my s20 said I sense something ironic!
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Luke, I came to the surviving forum when I decided that I was going to be divorced. I figured this group better matched where I was in my process than newcomers did, and there would be wisdom of other people who've gone all the way through and come out the other side of divorce. I'm not actually divorced yet, and don't even have a separation agreement yet. But I feel divorced, and that's what matters. It's a good forum, you'll be a welcome addition.
WBW, thanks for your kind words! This is rough with boys. I'm sometimes jealous of the families with involved dads, because it is so much more what boys need at this age. But you gotta work with what you've got.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hey Ad, sounds like the IC session was one of those difficult but helpful sessions. Thinking of you & your son and hope the testing offers some valuable insights for you all.
You're involved. You care and your son sees that. Still sad for what you can't control (H) but be thankful that your son opens up to you.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
So funny. If I've learned anything through all this, it's that emotions always change. I feel more settled this time. Everything isn't perfect, and there are parts of my life that I could improve, but in the big picture the things that matter are very good. Just thought I'd journal while I'm here.
No, I haven't worked on the separation agreement. Yes, I realize I'm completely holding it up for no apparent reason. No, he hasn't asked about it, and the lack of a deadline or any pressure does help me put it off for more pressing things. I'll get there when I get there.
S14 is adorable. He seems more confident and secure than ever. He talks to me. He still seems addicted to his computer, and he still sleeps till 4 or 5pm if allowed, but he smiles with an uninhibited clarity that makes me feel he's really ok. Not that I'll relax on the counseling and medication that I believe helped get him ok. And we'll still work on getting him tested.
S16 is turning into an adult, and I barely see him. He's out with friends, driving places, "hangin' out." I don't like some of the decisions he makes, but he has heard my values and decided differently. What I like is that he's willing to talk to me about his choices; he's not afraid of me freaking out. The downside of that is, he's not afraid of me. When I catch him, he gets consequences, but we both know he's going to keep drinking beer and chewing tobacco until/unless he decides not to. That he talks to me about it gives me a chance to discuss specifically what about it I'm really concerned about and why. So, not perfect, and a far cry from what other families seem to maintain, but I think he's going to be OK too. He cooks us a meal now and then, and has talked about getting a job, works out at the gym like crazy (very proud of his muscles), and is nicer to his brother than he used to be.
The job is super terrific, just can't say enough about how much I love everything about it so far. Thrilled. Valued!!!! Appreciated, Challenged, Rewarded, Trusted, Respected. Just perfect.
H is a puzzle wrapped in an enigma. He's very weird, and then he's not. Very secretive about his comings and goings. My mind has gone crazy thinking...he's gay...oh - he's a cross dresser...he's in a relationship with his housemate...oh, who knows. Maybe he's secretive because he's unhinged, but it feels easier to me to think he's taking care of himself and someday the reason why will be more clear. IF that's the case, I wish I weren't a person he didn't feel safe enough to be who he was with. And if not, and he's just how he is because he has emotional difficulties, well, that doesn't hurt me anymore.
So my birthday came and went without a peep from him. The boys and I celebrated, and my family and friends came and modeled for the boys what celebrating someone looks like, and I was very happy. Here it is two weeks later and H happens to be at the house picking up mail, and out of the blue, he says, "By the way for your birthday present I thought I'd get the post on your bike switched out and better handles so that your hands don't get numb; it's never been the right fit for you. Is that OK?" I was taken aback, but tried to convey my pleasure in my "sure!" Anyway, it's nice of him and thoughtful, and completely unexpected.
Weight watchers is going great - I'm a comfortable 2 lb below goal and proud of my success, determined to continue taking good care of myself.
Enjoying my close friendships. I was thinking that these must stay close when I start dating again. I've realized how important it is for me to be in close relationships with women; we fulfill needs in each other that are different from what a romantic relationship can provide and I feel like it's a necessary part of being a well rounded healthy person.
I think more often about beginning to explore dating. I haven't worn my ring for a couple of months, but it takes longer than that for the ring mark to disappear. I think I will look "recently separated" as long as that indent is there!
Lots to do. Long post, but the mood struck to give a status update. Hope my friends here are doing well too!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Glad you are doing so well and that the new job is working out for you! Everything works out on it's own timetable and you will know when it's time to start finalizing things like the separation agreement and considering dating - but it sounds to me like you are getting closer and moving in that direction.
Thanks BA...and I'm happy for how things are going for you too!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hi Ad, Glad things are going well and very glad to hear your boys are doing ok and getting along. 16 is a rough age regardless. Did I mention my son tried pot a while back? Yep. But same deal, he told me about it and we talked through expectations. Glad you had a fun birthday! Happy belated!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Pot is really challenging. It's illegal but the kids hear about kids who got nothing but a slap on the wrist. It's zero-tolerance at the schools and sports teams, but what that means is everyone tries really hard not to catch anyone so they don't have to take that extreme measure. It's bad for them but they think getting drunk is worse, and they have all kinds of information coming over the internet about how the health risks are being overstated. They see adults pushing for its legalization. I just want to see my kid grow up without a criminal record, with as many of his brain cells as he can hang onto, unaddicted, healthy.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
