Wow...so here's what is going on. Almost unbelievable but based on what was told and the evidence shown, it's actually legit. Yesterday after WAW texted and said she needed prayer, she filled me in to what the specific request was. We spoke several times yesterday on phone and once in person. This past Saturday, she was assaulted by her friend the infamous OM. She admitted that he had feelings for her but she didn't reciprocate. She was at a BBQ with him and some other friends when he started going ballistic. Apparently he is on steroids and flashed some signs of anger and started a huge disturbance. She fled and went home. When she arrived home he showed up shortly afterwards and entered her apartment and started destroying property in there and threw her against a wall. She called the cops and they arrived shortly after and got him out of there.
During her version of the events, it was hard not to be upset for my own personal reasons, but I can see where the detachment helps, although it was a challenge. At one point, I mentioned my displeasure for the friendship but instantly said, "this isn't about me, let me know how you are feeling". I validated, tried to offer any comfort that I could, and listened cautiously to see if there was truth. From everything I was told, and the police report, it appeared as though she was being honest and not just looking for attention from me.
It's sad in many ways because of the pain she felt, but it also in many ways affirms the fact that none of this would've ever happened had she not left. Letting her be alone in her thoughts to process the event, but in the meantime, making sure that the kids stay with me. I mentioned several times that I didn't think that she was unstable, but them staying over there in the aftermath of what happened was unstable.
I woke up this morning, said a prayer for her to make sense of this moment, and honestly thought that I never looked better in her eyes, than I probably looked yesterday. It was a total 180 to how she more than likely expected me to respond. I think she expected me to say "I told you so" or get angry with her about it. I showed as much compassion as I could from a detached position. I also brought her a milkshake and fries when I picked the kids up from her as a surprise (her favorite combo). I rubbed her back a bit as she expressed her feelings, and she allowed it. It was natural and comforting in my mind and nothing romantic.
I'm very curious as to what this moment is going to do in her eyes. It's funny in a way. I had been praying for God to remove this person from her life. It's somewhat ironic in the way that he chose to do it. Considering her past history, it had to be a brutal wake up call.
These last few days have been very different than anything I could've imagined. I have been following the rules as close as possible but there have been moments where I have mentioned how much I care still. The depressed emotions that WAW has shown since being assaulted are so visible. I see how detachment helps as I know I cannot fix the situation, and this is all part of the journey that she chose when she left. If anything these last few days, have shown her that I honestly feel as though the changes I have made would have to make her a fool to leave, if she continued to push away.
I am in no way pursuing a relationship right now, but trying to provide comfort and show love in the way that she allows me to show it. This morning when she came to pick up my kids, we talked for about 30 mins. Validated her feelings like crazy and she even was relaxed enough to allow me to hold her hand as I comforted her.
She seems very numb and I cannot imagine what she is thinking as she processes the incidents. I will say that I have made it such a point to listen to her rather than talk and validate so that she knew I was listening. It's funny how God works in these moments. I feel so much growth in me and it excites me. In many ways, I see the strength I'm able to provide her now, vs. before when I'd have a tendency to make it about myself.
Life is beginning to change and it's all baby steps, but the interactions with myself and WAW are completely different. It's funny seeing how the assault changed her perspective on everything. This morning we spoke again for about 45 minutes in the driveway again. It's become a new routine, but one that is completely relaxed.
During the conversation today, she made a comment how she noticed how much I cared based on my reaction. She said that she saw that I made it about her and how I even caught myself momentarily making it about me, but how I noticed that and I immediately mentioned that "I am sorry, this isn't about me, but it is about you"
She commented also how the relationship with the two of us doesn't seem to have the roller coaster feel anymore and she specifically said with both of us, so it was good to see that she owned that she contributed to it as well. I had made a comment about how hard it would be to stand and fight for our marriage if she ever began dating and I would have to begin moving in a different direction. Immediately after saying that, she said, "like moving on?" She then reminded me that she wanted us to go to a local amusement park as a family this weekend. Today she also invited me to join her and the kids for lunch and although it was brief, it was a very good time and we had a good conversation.
These are all baby steps, but the thing I have seen is that these steps do work. I am going to continue to GAL and follow the steps and follow all of Sandi's steps still. I am reading the steps in DR as what to do if the WAW begins responding to LRT and follow that closely to look for signs. I can see how I can immediately feel the impulse to want to just jump in head first, but I will continue to remember to take baby steps.
Well, what a difference a day makes. Un-freaking-believable. WAW went to the beach today with my kids and the OM and his son. The same OM that she called the cops on a week ago for assaulting her. I found out through my daughter right before they left.
I backtracked. I texted several times. I've left a few voicemails. I wasn't as detached as I thought. Had everything that happened not happened, I would have been ok. I had drawn that boundary, that she knows about, regarding this relationship progressing. I cannot fathom why anyone would willingly put themselves back into that position if there wasn't more than meets the eye.
The thing is, I had a gut feeling. She mentioned the other day that he called her and explained that his diabetes caused outbursts like that and she sounded very forgiving and accepting of that after the fact.
The fact is though, I put myself out there for comfort towards her, and then we spent a ton of time together and talking after that had all happened and it seemed good. There's quite a few details that makes me see the light now, but at the time, I didn't process it in that way. I had asked her yesterday when she mentioned the whole diabetes thing to her if she would be spending any time with him again and she replied, "Oh I don't know" Knowing that there was nothing definative in the reaction should have been the clue that I needed. The fact that she didn't rule it out immediately should have been the sign that I needed. She had even told me how she justified the reaction on his diabetes to her best friend (who has been weary of OM as well).
I can now see so much clearer as to how she rationalizes her poor choices to gain approval or acceptance. However, after all of this, I am beyond upset. In a text, I just told her to be honest with me and tell me the truth as to what is going on. I know the truth and most reading do too. However, I just want the respect of her to admit it, so that she has to say it.
I have been angry about this all day, and I guess the anger serves as a good way to detach, but my heart is hardening as I type this.
I have never heard of diabetes causing that type of anger outburst (assault, destroying property, etc.). I have, however, heard that steroids can certainly have that affect. I have also been a witness to both side effects over extended time, FWIW.
It sounds as if he "used" his disease to gain sympathy and a free pass from your W. B/c people are more forgiving of a disease with bad side effects, right? At the same time, a person addicted to steroids would not gain the same degree of forgiveness b/c taking the drug is a choice. Plus, much as been exposed to public awareness about side effects of steroids.
Your W is apparently not familiar with either "condition". It would be wise of her to gain information about long term steroid use.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ouch Mike, that is really tough. Sorry to see that reversal.
Me:42 W:41 M:12 T:3 D7, D7, S5 Sep#1 Winter 2012 for 4 months W divorce bomb 6/9/14 Started "in-house separation" 7/2014 W files for D 8/28/14 I move out 9/27/14
My FIL is an advanced diabetic, I've known him for 20 years and he has never had an anger outburst because of his diabetes. Never have I heard that diabetes causes anger outbursts. Never. Completely untrue.
OM is flat out lying to her and that's a hard position for YOU to be in. I would not be ok with my kids being around a man like that and I would make that boundary known. If he can't keep his health on track to mitigate his so-called "diabetes induced outbursts" then perhaps he needs an in-home nurse.
Thanks guys. I agree that it is a complete crock and that he was looking for sympathy. I am honestly at the point in my R that I don't want to continue to pursue. I am still going to follow the DB techniques because it's an emotion right now, but WAW is not acting rationally and even her emotions seem to lack an equilibrium.
Today I told her exactly how I felt about the coast trip and she saw how angry I was about it. Trying to establish a boundary is going to be a difficult thing right now, but it is one I will establish for my children.
It is difficult dealing with someone with a victim mentality. She swore up and down that he is only a friend, but at this point, it really doesn't matter.
Long week. Big fight early in the week when I mentioned the anger I had about WAW bringing a male around my kids. WAW mentioned that they are only friends and swore up and down, why would I lie? She said that she told me that she wanted to move on, didn't see us being married in the future, and why would she tell me that stuff but be afraid of telling me the truth about a relationship. I understand her thoughts, but still somewhat skeptical.
She threatened to file papers this week and sell her rings to pay for it, but when I pushed the issue more, she didn't. She knows that I am always there for her. She spends time in my house some mornings when she helps kids get ready before school and is very friendly to me.
I am going to go back to the LRT steps I was taking but got sidetracked with OM being part of the picture. This weekend, developing a plan for detachment is my goal.
