After reading the first 4-5 sentences, it could describe my childhood to a T. It really could. Alcoholic father, mother who spent all of her time clinging to him that we kids suffered. Emotional abuse was heavy, and we had little self esteem. We were never encouraged to do anything risky, or fun. The only goal my parents had for us kids was we had to be out of the house at 18.
After reading this all, I was set up for the MLC. Even if I had a MLC, I think it was beneficial to my wife. Right after my Dad died 4 years ago, I got in shape, bought new clothes, we had lots of dinner parties at our house, and we started traveling the globe. I became more social, and we spent more time with each other. I thought our relationship was the best it had ever been, We talked to all of our friends about collecting experiences over things.
My wife's family life was far different, her parents adored her, did everything in the world for her as an only child. She resisted the material items though. However, she was never really allowed to grow up, and even today, at 44, her parents treat her as a child. I don't know that she's ever had an adult conversation with her parents.
Now, this spring, she joined a new running club and connected with a divorced man in the group. He pursued, she comparison level shopped and they became fast friends. Suddenly, his life of adventure and fun -- 10 day hiking trips, camping, kayaking, trail running, etc -- became what she wanted. When BD, all she could say is "I Love You, but there is so much I want to do in life that I know you don't want to do. Life is far too short." Then proceeded to unload on me about every thing she hated about our marriage. Sure, it wasn't perfect, and we'd not been as attentive to each other the month before, but I didn't think it was enough to run.
Anyway, enjoyed reading this post, job.
Me - Mid 40's W - Mid 40's Married 20 No kids BD - 7/2015 ILYB... Moved out 2 days later Suspect EA
jjal, You may very well have had a very, very mild MLC and have far better coping skills than those who go full blown. You are one of the lucky ones that didn't experience a full blown crisis. Not all MLC folks go into full blown crisis. Some touch on it and others destroy everything in their path. It all depends upon the person, childhood, coping skills, personality, etc.
All you can do is hope and pray that your wife navigates her crisis and finds her way back to you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I was telling a friend that I think this is just as much about her mother as it is about me. Upon reflection, those mom issues were intense the last 4-5 months. She threw a home phone one night while talking to her mother. It exploded in 20 pieces and damaged the hardwood floors. She was in a rage ... all because her mother kept asking where we were that weekend.
Honestly, after having dealt with my Dad as a kid, I had good coping skills already.
Me - Mid 40's W - Mid 40's Married 20 No kids BD - 7/2015 ILYB... Moved out 2 days later Suspect EA
jjal, You are not the problem. Only own 50% of the breakdown of your marriage...but understand...this is her journey and one that started when she was a young girl. Yes, she's got mommy issues and there's nothing you can do about it. You didn't break her, therefore you can fix and/or control her and what she does right now.
Your wife will need to work through her crisis on her own, at her own pace and hopefully she'll come through to the other side.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job, Yep, I am working on the issues I know I am responsible for. And trying to forgive myself for those things.
It truly is her journey, and I am letting her have it. I'm using the LRT because she moved out. And GAL, while tough, has kept me busy and a better friend to a few folks.
Me - Mid 40's W - Mid 40's Married 20 No kids BD - 7/2015 ILYB... Moved out 2 days later Suspect EA
Missmeg, Sounds like your h had quite a few things going on in the last 24 months. It could one of the things you mentioned or it could be all of them....but understand, they are nothing more than triggers. He was going to have a crisis no matter what and if it weren't w/you, it would have been w/someone else or as a single guy. So, please do not blame yourself for his crisis. It has been percolating for quite some time.
As for your children, MLCers are known to become resentful/jealous of children during the crisis. Competition w/the children could come out to play, i.e., vying for "mom's" attention, validation and affirmation and yes approval for the things that he does. So, if he does something for you or around the home, be sure to acknowledge him.
Also, MLCers will become a buddy w/one child. Generally it is w/the child that won't challenge/ask questions. It's usually the child that is the easiest to deal with. But, that comes along juat a bit later.
For now, leave him to his crisis. Take care of yourself and your children. Watch your bank account and credit cards. If he pays the bills, make sure that they are paid. They do love to spend money and don't care about what happens to the spouse or the family. It's all about them. The song is "me, me, me" that they sing each and every day.
Please, please take care of yourself. He is not the same person that you knew and loved. He's different now and will be for a while.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My husband has said he had a horrible childhood. His mom would get off work and go to her other house with her boyfriend. He would cry for her at night. She left him for months at a time with his aunt. She was verbally abusive to him. He was abused by his stepdad. He said he would just stay in his room all the time because of how he was treated.
Thanks Job. I'm still not sure it's MLC. I know that sounds like I am naive and/or in denial (and maybe I am) but somethings don't seem to "jibe" with what I am hearing about MLC. Like: -There is no affair, emotional or otherwise. But he is working 7 days a week- so maybe that is how he is alienating. -he is generous with the money. He hasn't been on any spending sprees. He is doing everything he can to provide me and the kids with funds. Has said it is his intention that we feel no financial impact because of his decision to leave, down to making sure I have enough to cover the extras we have had in the family…In fact he explicitly mentioned he didn't even want me to be in the position of dropping HBO from our cable package. We have separate accounts and he made arrangements for the paychecks he receives the 15th of each month to be directly deposited to my account. -he hasn't been mean. I hear people talk about "the monster" and how MLCers are critical and have no happy memories of the M. He has acknowledged this is in him and is nothing about me or the kids -he initiates contact and asks me out. We went on two dates last week, hung out the beginning of this week, and are going out again tonight
So I am curious. Obviously he is a WAH because he is out of the house and states that he is done with the marriage. Can one be a WAH WITHOUT it being a MLC?
Bottom line it doesn't really matter what label I apply …what matters is he has left the marriage and I need to move forward and take care of myself and my kids.
M: 48 H: 44 M: 2 / T: 7 My kids: S22, S18, S17, D12 H no kids of his own BD: 7/12/2015 / moved out same day Piecing 9/6/2015 Moved back in 10/2015
Sure, they can be walkaways w/o having a MLC. But, you will db and will follow the exact same advice that all of the forums offer: detach, live your life to the fullest and find GAL activities and keep the focus on you and your family and last but not least...watch your assets/finances.
Sounds like his addiction is work.
Do you have your own thread on the Board? If so, direct me to it and I'll be happy to read more about your situation.
