The Dance of Pursuit and Distance (new)

[Ggrass]

Oh dear, yes that game was a big dynamic in my m! Very big.

First big fight h bolted to the coast for a caravan holiday, he took three weeks to decide if he was going to comit for the long haul.

[Atsbaby]

The Solo Partner is hard to find, but not out of print. I recently (a month maybe), got it from Amazon.

I've only read chapter 8-end. What an eye opener! Cadet posted the important stuff from the readings.

I do like that there is a workbook to help you realize what you are doing and how you can better respond to your distancer (or in our case not respond). It's a book for us to learn to change OUR behaviors.

[job]

Atsbaby,
That is correct, the book is a tool to assist us in changing our behaviors and how to respond to others. We have to be the ones to change the dynamics of how we deal w/people, i.e., especially our spouses.

I'm glad to see that located the book. I found the workbook to be an excellent tool and made me think and truly look at my own behavior and how I responded to others. I highly recommend this book to everyone.

[Shining]

I just ordered mine.

Is the workbook inside, or is it separate?

[job]

When I purchased my copy 12 years ago, the workbook was included in the book, not separate.

[Atsbaby]

Mines part of the book...follows at the end of each chapter.

[Mighty]

I am so glad this discussion is being had... again. Thank you to the vets for understanding the importance of the archives. Job and Cadet, thanks for saving this and bringing this topic back.

OK, so... The distancer describes my xh to a T! Oh my goodness! The only thing is, xh always needed reassurances. There is no doubt this came from abandonment issues.

While he was wildly independent- never let anyone too close. I was the exception. Yes, he would distance himself from me, and liked his "alone time" (he would go on the computer every day looking at things to buy) and was drastically emotionally distant (as the description states). However, he always wanted me around or to know that I would be at any second. He was highly uncomfortable if I wasn't available at a given second. It would enrage him!

H always wanted me around and wanted to do everything together. Even the same bed time. So, I was confused by the pursuer/distancer at first before I had the listed definitions. I do fit many characteristic of pursuer, mainly in our r, not so much outside of it. I always wanted to fix it, even if he were wrong, I would assist him in making it right.

I just felt like him wanting me around was his type of pursuit. That is not it at all! It was just his own insecurities stemming from childhood abandonment. And, I think part of the control and self-centeredness as listed as a distancer.

There is an amazing article about abandonment on HeartsBlessings website. It explains how one may be emotionally distant and reserved but also may be clingy and needy.

I do think that some of these behaviors go hand-in-hand. It can be confusing when it comes to pursuers & distancers, because like my xh, he is textbook distancer, however can be very clingy because of abandonment issues.

Again, thank for keeping this important stuff "alive"!

[BrightFuture]

I can see how I became more of a pursuer in my M. A lot of the trends describe me, but not all of them. For example, I’m not overly trusting, not that people oriented, don’t openly show my feelings to everyone – just the opposite actually, I was hiding and suppressing my feelings. And I’m definitely not noisy and intrusive, and not overly involved with family and children. There are others, but I will not be going into much detail.

There are more traits of distance that fits H perfectly. There are only a couple that don’t. For example he was always overly trusting. But this “Chooses to be different for its own sake.” Is so him! And this “Experiences his individuality to the exclusion of relationship.” And, oh boy, THIS: “Decisions made and then clung to regardless of changes in circumstances.”

Bea, you made me think. I guess it could be that H is just too slow to change his behavior and he definitely cannot handle the relationship right now.

Job, as always, what you write makes so much sense. For some reason I keep thinking that H is in withdrawal. I think that his work is not going too good. I don’t think he has new friends. And your description of him just being too tired and not knowing how to proceed also sounds realistic. As for my friends, I went to the vacation home this weekend and saw them, and they mentioned that they got a call from H two weeks after the heavy rain over there. He was worried about the condo. Two weeks later… So, I think he also avoids communication with them at this time for whatever reason. I will have more updates on my thread.

So, you still think that he is going to contact me when he is ready. Will he ever be ready, or I will have to break the pattern? Do you think I need to continue to not pursue him?

[job]

Bright,
I think you need to leave well enough alone for a while. He's got to have some time to himself and I mean to be really alone to think. Yes, I do think he'll contact you again very soon. After all, he uses quite a number of excuses to contact you and when he does, open the door just a little bit more and not just say thank you. When he does contact you, post a bit of what he says and we'll help you w/a response.

[BrightFuture]

Job, it was not too long until your prediction came through. H just sent me a text. I will update my thread, so I don't high jack this one.