Yes. For the last 8 years I was having panic attacks and withdrew from the family. My W didn't understand them and started to create a life with the kids without me. I went to many councilors before finally last year finding one that found my root cause and I haven't experienced one since. Sounds great. Can you talk to that counselor about some of your other issues? Jealousy is a form of insecurity and CAN be a means of control. What's that all about? Have you explored it?
During that time during panic attacks as she was growing more independent I became very controlling and jealous. She also couldn't understand panic attacks because I am so strong minded. What does this^^^ Mean?
She also appears to be going thru Mid-Life crisis. We went through 8-10 years of growing apart. Maybe you are leaving out parts of the story, but to me it just Sounds more like a natural byproduct of her needs being unmet for so long.
But it doesn't matter much - b/c YOUR course of action remains the same. Work on you.
Now I am trying to find out who I am and to be happy in my own skin.
I don't mean to minimize this^^, but frankly, it sounds a lot more like a MLC....what are you talking about?
I have 2 wonderful kids who are beginning to pick up that my wife and I are having issues. My wife will disappear for hours, will not take there phone calls a great number of times. My D, age 17 has asked my W on many occasions where she has been and why won't she take her calls, etc....
M-57 W-44 D-17 S-13
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 09/09/1406:45 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Also I have not told her about the SCUBA lessons. She will get mad either way so I have not figured the best approach. If she initiates a conversation it is usually pleasant but if I do it is always one or two word responses. I have had a couple of positives on my goal list.
W-44,M-57 Married 20 D-17,S-13 W and I own our own business and work together.
Here are some basic guidelines (and thats all they are; guidelines, not "laws" that apply to all). Use your best judgement. Just As an example, if your w said you never gave her a compliment and it hurt, (b/c she values words of affirmation), then you pulling back away from her, may not be the best course in that scenario.
But these guidelines will help you in a general way, to navigate things early on and of course, your DB coach will help you a lot.
My DB coach was absolutely a Godsend - and I think I mean that literally. She's exactly who I needed in my life at that time. Her advice was very detailed and helpful, w/ suggestions & a lot of principles I could follow and live by.
ANYHOW here are the newbie "rules" that were assembled by Sandi, based on the DB/DR books we use as the source - for this site's philosophy.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Against DB, is Not good for you, and will make matters worse.)
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patience on your behalf.
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). Sometimes the right thing to say is nothing.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
38. Know that in time, you really will be happy again, regardless of your spouse’s choices. Know this, believe it, and let it show.
39. Do not believe that showing your spouse your pain and misery proves your love for them. It just makes it harder to be around you.
40. Don’t worry about how the past is viewed. What matters is this day and “from this day forward.” Learn to let go of the past and what you cannot control. It’s a lot to let go of, but it is freeing.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Also I have not told her about the SCUBA lessons. She will get mad either way so I have not figured the best approach. If she initiates a conversation it is usually pleasant but if I do it is always one or two word responses. I have had a couple of positives on my goal list.
W-44,M-57 Married 20 D-17,S-13 W and I own our own business and work together.
Also I have not told her about the SCUBA lessons. She will get mad either way so I have not figured the best approach. If she initiates a conversation it is usually pleasant but if I do it is always one or two word responses. I have had a couple of positives on my goal list.
Do not assume she'll get mad. Plus why is her reaction to this relevant? Why are you doing the SCUBA lessons anyhow?
Have you really read the books? You might benefit by another read and don't be offended by that comment.
I literally read them 2-3 times during the 'ordeal', and have again read them both from time to time.
Anyway, the books talk about NOT projecting so much negativity into your expectations.
Your kids are SCUBA qualified and I think you're doing it in part to GAL and in part to bond with them. Its a piece of fathering you may have been missing out on. If so, then let that knowledge (ie., your good reasons) radiate from within, and be confident. HER reaction is not to be factored into this.
But so I know, are the reasons above^^ that I just cited, the real reasons for you doing this, or is there something in there that will anger your wife?
Is it b/c SHE lacks the time but you don't, and therefore she thinks she is harder working, or a money thing or what?
Is there a detail here you care to share? WHY do you think she'll be angry?
Also I noticed your list of goals had far far more things you want or expect FROM HER and not many of yourself.
IMO, you could Change that focus and reverse the ratio. In other words, list a FEW things you'd like to have with her or from her, and a whole lot more of you and from you. Do you see why I suggest that?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Please read the "DB rules" and really reflect on them, okay?
You have some inward searching & working to do, but as they say, "the real journey in life, is an inward one."
Figure out what YOU need to change in YOU, and start on that path as soon as you can.
Dig deep and Be brave.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
When starting to do a 180, do you also start to set loose boundaries?
What I would like to say to her is the next time she tells me she is meeting the OM for lunch say "Thank you for telling me. If you think this is proper thing to do and is going to help our marriage, then it is your choice, however, I am uncomfortable with it."
W-44,M-57 Married 20 D-17,S-13 W and I own our own business and work together.
I don't know, that response kind of makes it sound like you're chastising a child. She's not a child. She's a grown woman who is capable of making her own choices.
What you want to do is set a firm boundary. You want to save your marriage. If she wants to save your marriage, too, OM HAS to be out of the picture. She cannot focus on your R with her mind clouded by continuing contact with him. So, as far as you're concerned, there's no working on the R until she's done with him. Anything else is disrespectful to your M and to you.
Leave it at that. You stated your piece, she knows how you feel and then you stick to it. Now it's on her.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
25yearsmlc: I see your point. I have asked her multiple times over the last year for us to get our SCUBA cert. She will say she doesn't have time and that we do not have the money. However, she will then go spent a great deal of money on clothes and etc. We do have the money. This is something I have wanted to do for the last 2 years. My kids love it and it will give me a way to bond with them. I think she will take it that I am trying to irritate her which is not my reason. This has always been on my bucket list like Sky Diving was many years ago. I did it once and decided that jumping out of a perfectly good airplane is not a wise thing to do. My daughter will be on intern on a boat in the BVI for 7 weeks next summer and she has to complete 10 more dives before she goes. My son will be on one of the boats for 3 weeks and has around 10 dives he needs to do before he goes. Again, this will give me a chance to go with them to find out why they love it so much.
W-44,M-57 Married 20 D-17,S-13 W and I own our own business and work together.
I don't know, that response kind of makes it sound like you're chastising a child. She's not a child. She's a grown woman who is capable of making her own choices.
What you want to do is set a firm boundary. You want to save your marriage. If she wants to save your marriage, too, OM HAS to be out of the picture. She cannot focus on your R with her mind clouded by continuing contact with him. So, as far as you're concerned, there's no working on the R until she's done with him. Anything else is disrespectful to your M and to you.
