Maybell XI

[Maybell]

KGirl, makes sense.

I made things worse by telling him he wasn't a romantic candidate. But the way he'd acted on Monday and him just assuming I want him to just come back were each quite hard to swallow. Perhaps I earned this pain I'm in.

I like what Sam said about faith and two cars. That's an image I can work with.

Que sera sera.

[Ggrass]

Maybell - I feel like I understand how you feel today (as evidenced by my own post)... it can be so much easier if you just don't have to interact with them or hear about them at all. Out of sight, out of mind. It's hard to love or stay "in love" with someone given these sorts of circumstances.. it's probably healthy that at some point we don't really feel that in the same way anymore (otherwise we'd be stuck loving someone years after D and that's not good either!). I do think sometimes about how much it's really worth it to be in limbo. Our situations are a bit different given you have kids but I do ponder how things would change if we did D and get everything settled and then we would not have to ever talk to each other again.



I was also thinking about your prev. post about letting go and standing and what that means. For me, at least, it means that I'm just living my own life and letting H live his, while being open to the possibility of R. Whereas not standing would look more like "screw you! You don't want to be here? Fine, I'm divorcing you." Or doing something antogonistic or petty or mean that would be very difficult to overcome (post something on facebook about what a cheater and a liar he is, tell him to F-off and never talk to me again, etc.). Basically moving on with your own life but keeping the road home paved and smooth in case they do ever reconsider. I hope that makes sense. I just got back from a college football game so the sun and drinks get to me a little

I have same sitch as you no joint kids, but settlement feels like fu!

We don't have to have any r, once that's done. H is dragging his feet. Words say done finished actions with r are done. Yet with settlement he appears to be holding the rope, he expects me to know hs decision telepathically, while talking opposite of what he really means.

Even the med was totally confused.

[claire7]

Hi there Maybell,

No real advice to offer these days (going through a crazy roller coaster week of my own), but just wanted to send some hugs your way. The ups and downs of this are jarring to me sometimes. I am almost a year into this situation, and still break down into tears at least once every couple of weeks (this week, every couple of days!).

And, I think it may even have been you that said that growth often comes right after a period of chaos and struggle. Maybe that's where you are.

[Maybell]

Claire, are you prescient?

Was thinking tonight about my part in this week, both with my H and with my parents. What Labug said about MLP learning her relationship skills from addicts has really stuck with me and here are the pieces I've put together:

- made myself vulnerable and invited H over at his request. The day was largely "more of the same" behavior on both sides, with him not engaging much and me being hospitable and chatty and feeling ignored.

- IC and two friends asked if I'd just said how disappointed I was in that reaction. I thought I had, but in fact I:
- got quiet and less cheerful by the end of the afternoon
- told him he wasn't a romantic contender
- asked him not to take stuff out of the house when I'm not there

- my dad said in a martyred voice "I'll just get over it" which is a phrase I've heard many times, whenever one of my parents thinks they've been done wrong.

- my parents both dodged my calls

- my mother is angry with me for not falling in line with her ideas about what to do with my marriage/husband

- all growing up, I saw my mother doing whatever my dad wanted and then complaining about it.

- my entire life I've resented my dad's career because he was never around and he always treated us like employees (and I thought he wasn't a great boss)

- as the only girl in my family, I was rarely invited to participate in family outings that were traditional "boy" events, like sporting events or fishing trips. I was also kept out of home improvement projects. My role in the family was to be picked on.

Now, I know a lot of my behavior this week was pretty passive-aggressive. I don't know if I've always been like that or if this is in response to my feeling not allowed to talk to H and so I resort to these stupid tactics because he's inaccessible. Either way, they must stop now.

My lawyer may not be working out for me, I am not sure what to do about that. My H is in an unreachable place. I don't know how to deal with this stuff with him off in Lalaland.

I don't know why I even give this brain space, but... It worries me to even consider taking him back. What would it do to my kids to have him in with the uncertainty that will always go with that? And yet, I look at Train and T0324 and I think... Who knows?

I don't think he'll turn around like that. But it's possible I've been misreading everything and he could.

Those are problems for another day. Sleep well, friends.

[Ggrass]

Yes, maybell who knows. It's all gunna end up where it ends and no one really knows what is around the corner.

Truely. Who knows?

It's only game over when your dead. Maybe next time you invite you act casual and let him talk and see where that gets you.

[Maybell]

I'm not sure I can be around him. At all. Without going cuckoo. Is it ok to do nc for self-protection indefinitely? DBing and smiling and acting like this doesn't hurt is like chewing off my own arm.

[Ggrass]

There is nc in my r, because he chose it and now I can't stand it with ow in the pic.

I still don't think I could see him snuggling with her, or holding hands. Or anything really.

I was thinking I was paranoid about suddenly seeing him every where, know what he's like and knowing he's more than likely up to something. Is making me odd.

Although others have met her, seen her locally but to me she's a ghost. Thank god.

[claire7]

Hi Maybell,

Wow, what tremendous insight you have. So... maybe you are putting the pause on your DBing this particular M for the moment (not much to do while he is away anyway...)... but it is a perfect time to work on the changes you can/want to make in you. P/A behavior, as I'm sure you know, is a recipe for disaster. So, that sounds like something to work on.

And while genetics and conditioning may lead us to act like our parents, we DO have control over ourselves, especially if we are mindful and self-reflective and have the desire to change.

We can only control ourselves, but we CAN control ourselves. You can do this Maybell!

Talk through your latest interactions with your parents and your H with your IC. Maybe think through how YOU could have acted differently even if they can't change. Because that may just change how you feel in a big way. Do you see how any of your control issues are popping up in your interactions with your parents? Re read your thread and notice places where you could have DBd your parents...

I'm typing on my phone so I apologize for the brusqueness of this message. In case it sounds clunky like I'm hitting you with a 2*4...it's a foam one, wrapped in a big hug.

:-)

[labug]

So Maybell, the thing that keeps coming up for me in your writing is, Maybell hasn't found Maybell yet.

Maybell is busy filling out all the roles she's been groomed to play. Whoever you are right now, I'd hazard a guess you're not real crazy about you. It's almost impossible to take care of ourselves when we think we don't deserve it.

Figure you out, truly take control or your life, the rest will come easy.

It's a process but once you begin to see and feel how worthy and intelligent and engaging and OK and OMG! witty, you are, things like your dad's P/A remark might stop you for a moment but then you'll say to yourself "Dad being dad. I'm sorry he can't communicate his feelings to me honestly but I can't fix him. I can love him but I can't fix him." Or about your mother's unhappiness, "Sorry Mom that you lived a life that wasn't happy for you but you made choices, I can't go back and change those for you. I can love you but I can't make you better." You can validate her feelings, but it's her life.

That's about setting internal boundaries. Love doesn't mean being enmeshed.

You made a statement earlier to the effect that your son hurt you because he didn't want to talk to your H, is that what you meant?

Your H is in a romance with a lover that you can't compete with so don't try. That lover doesn't ask for anything, requires no conversation, accountability or emotion. And it makes him feel oh, so good...for now. Leave him to it. You don't have to D him, or stop standing or stay standing. Just gently and lovingly, back off. You don't have to say anything but the thought process may be something like, I love you (and you do, at some level) but you have things going on that I choose not have in my life right now. I have plenty to work on myself. May you be safe, may you be healthy, may you live with ease.

I subscribe to some interesting stuff and this came today.

When things don't go as we had hoped, we either look outside ourselves for someone or something to blame (instead of reflecting on what we could have done differently), or we go too far in the other extreme and blame ourselves too much.

There is a happy middle-ground wherein we consider possible outcomes if we had done things differently, but we don't call ourselves failures or losers just because we didn't have all the facts right off the bat.

It's very easy for us to spot these extremes when we see other people go off on a tangent about everything that went wrong except for what they could have done differently, but the trick is to catch ourselves when WE do it.

We reason with ourselves so we can feel better about what happened, but even if we walk away from that experience feeling justified, we don't necessarily walk away from it any wiser if we don't hold ourselves accountable.

And when other people beat themselves up about doing EVERYTHING wrong, we naturally steer them in the other direction, reminding them about other factors that were at play... so why can't we do it with ourselves when we feel like complete losers?

I guess that's why having honest friends is so important. They tell it to us like it is (whether we want to hear it or not), and, if we're wise enough, we take all the comments into consideration, learn, grow, mature, and try again.

Leave him to his journey and put your energy where it will do some good, your journey.

You're on the cusp. The first step is the hardest.

[Maybell]

This morning as I was getting ready for church I let my brain roam free and a sentence I read about separation in cases of infidelity being useful for helping the injured party heal. And I realized I had never really taken the time to do that. I went into panic mode after I found out, and then I went into fix-it mode, and as much as I said I did, I really never came out of that mode. I've been in fix-it mode for fourteen months now, and have achieved only some success, and it was demoralizing. On top of that deep wound of the affair and all the lying.

So I'm not calling it letting go. I've lost so much it's hard for me to think of voluntarily letting go as anything other than just bowing to outside forces. So I'm stepping back to heal for a while. I'm taking that action to gain something, rather than just to acknowledge a loss that has already occurred.

It was nice to have that realization. Because right after that I got a couple of texts from H... and I didn't feel like I wanted to deal with him. He even was friendly (ish) and I didn't grab onto it like I usually have been doing. I'm stepping back to heal. And it's kind of a relief. Also impossible to argue with if I feel like I need to tell him specifically if he starts inviting me out again. It will be a while before I accept any invitations. I'm stepping back to heal.

You made a statement earlier to the effect that your son hurt you because he didn't want to talk to your H, is that what you meant?

One of the things I've really been trying to be aware of is how much my children struggle with my H's choices. To the extent I can, I'd like to be able to mitigate that. Of course, my ability to protect them that way is pretty limited, but it still hurts when I see them drawing away from him. I feel like I made them a promise when they were born, that they would have a certain kind of family and a certain kind of childhood and that I'd do my best for them.

I'm realizing that I'm limited in my ability to keep that promise. I've revised it to promise as best I can to give them the skills to deal with difficult people in their life, including me and their father. I can't do that if I'm behaving dysfunctionally myself.

Thank you for sharing so much helpful information with me. I'm slow to process, but it gets in eventually. I'm getting there.

I'm stepping back to heal. I look forward to how that will feel.