Just to chime in about parents. Boy, I hear you. The very first thing my parents said when we sat down to talk after I told them H left was... well, sufficient it to say was NOT empathetic or helpful to me.
I've been DBing my family, too! PMA, boundaries, validate concerns, detach. It has helped A TON. They get to feel how they feel. And how they feel or what they say does not have to ruin my day. (Easier said than done, yesterday was a real test, especially when my blood sugar was low!!)
Maybell, just re the wine + Irish coffee with lunch. I'm not saying it ISN'T a problem, but my parents regularly will have a couple of drinks with lunch, and I don't believe they have a problem with drinking. Unless there is more info you're excluding, like what the drinks do to his mentality.. I'm not sure that I would see that as a huge issue...?
I don't think a couple of drinks with lunch occasionally is a problem, but it's every time I see him. And I'm absolutely certain he's having several drinks per evening, too, and I know from the credit card what he's buying. And his dad drinks in a way that is beyond worrisome.
I'm not a prude about drinking. I've never been comfortable with how much he drinks, but I hadn't been troubled by it till the last couple of years.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Right, I see why you feel the way you feel, then. My ex was certainly drinking more than I thought reasonable, but in May he mentioned he had cut down. His father was an alcoholic, so I was pleased he had taken that step.
I hope you don't think I was accusing you of being prudish.
Maybell, I meant to tell you that I used your tag line ("all will be well, etc.") last night to redirect thoughts of H, and it was incredibly helpful. Thank you for that!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I'm not sure I can be around him. At all. Without going cuckoo. Is it ok to do nc for self-protection indefinitely? DBing and smiling and acting like this doesn't hurt is like chewing off my own arm.
Yes.
But...let go of the black/white, either/or thinking if you can. NC is for self-protection and it's for today. When you wake up tomorrow, you can decide what you need to do for that day.
You're attempting to live far in the future when all you really have is today.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
About the amount of drinking, I want to say this because I think many people avoid getting support for themselves by thinking "X doesn't drink THAT much." "X isn't an alcoholic."
The defining factor, is the drinking a problem for YOU? Does it affect your R with that person? Does it make you uncomfortable?
Do you need support?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
We're all going mad.