Need Help before I blow a fuse.

[20&lost]

My W and I have been having a hard time. 9 Months ago she told me she loved me but was not in love with me. We are still together and have 2 kids. She is also my office manager. She barley speaks to me and has nothing to do with me. No matter what I do she gets mad at. She has developed and emotional relationship with a man that is 10 years younger. Physically he is not her type but she really likes hanging with him. SHe is constantly doing things for him like letting his dogs out, going to lunch with him, etc. Today she came up and needed to borrow my truck so she could pick up his lawn mower from the shop. I just finished reading Divorce Remedy and don't know if I need to to a 180 or do the last resort. I am talking to one of the DB telephone councilors and she tells me to be nice but to give her complete space. Should I confront her with all the time she is giving this other man? As I said, I think it is just an emotional and not a physical connection. I have been going through H for 9 months and really want our marriage of almost 20 years to succeed. Our 20th anniversary is the 1st of October.

[Shakspr]

Caeman: Just looking in. Have been reading the boards for a month or two (so am a NEWB!) and your situation is one of the harder ones. But there is hope. Read back through DR with a solution orientation and a beginners mind.

Set microgoals
GAL
Become the best "You" there is.
Validate but don't agree with everything she says just to keep the peace
Detach

I would tell her a one-hour truck rental at Home Depot goes for 19.99. :-)

[20&lost]

Thank you. I am rereading the book now and trying to set small goals. I am a fixer and doing nothing and backing off is not in my nature.

[MrBond]

Sorry that you find yourself on here. You won't find a better group of individuals who are willing to help your situation.

First things first. Did you have any marital issues before? Think hard and detail them here. Be honest. The more honest you are, the better we can help you.

[20&lost]

Yes. For the last 8 years I was having panic attacks and withdrew from the family. My W didn't understand them and started to create a life with the kids without me. I went to many councilors before finally last year finding one that found my root cause and I haven't experienced one since. During that time during panic attacks as she was growing more independent I became very controlling and jealous. She also couldn't understand panic attacks because I am so strong minded. She also appears to be going thru Mid-Life crisis. We went through 8-10 years of growing apart. Now I am trying to find out who I am and to be happy in my own skin. I have 2 wonderful kids who are beginning to pick up that my wife and I are having issues. My wife will disappear for hours, will not take there phone calls a great number of times. My D, age 17 has asked my W on many occasions where she has been and why won't she take her calls, etc....

M-57 W-44
D-17
S-13

[MrBond]

" She also couldn't understand panic attacks because I am so strong minded."

I don't think you understand that she probably TRIED to understand in the beginning and then your strong mindedness pushed her away. Over time she just gave up and stopped trying. That's more on you than her.

"She also appears to be going thru Mid-Life crisis."

I don't think so. Right now she's trying to live her own life and not in the shadow of yours. You pushed her away for 8 YEARS so this is the consequence.

[20&lost]

Thanks for the input. You are completely right when I look at it. Trying to figure out how to do my 180. The more involved I get around the house and with the kids, the more she pushes away and gets irritated. I am working on my GAL and to give her plenty of space. What I have been doing for the last 9 months has been driving her crazy and also my self. My full focus on trying to fix the marriage has pushed W into an emotional relationship with another man which just eats me up. Just do not know how to do a 180 because my personality is full force forward on trying to fix problems; I get tunnel vision. This is a blessing on many fronts but not so much when it comes to relationship building.

[25yearsmlc]

My W and I have been having a hard time. 9 Months ago she told me she loved me but was not in love with me.

what did SHE SAY were her reasons for the change in feelings? What are her complaints, and are ANY of them valid at all? Make sure you don't deflect off of your own role in this, to over emphasize the relationship she may be having with OM.

Figure out what YOU can change in YOU and focus efforts there. (You only control you and when you "get that", it helps a lot). That's the only way this can have a happy ending.


We are still together and have 2 kids. She is also my office manager. She barley speaks to me and has nothing to do with me. No matter what I do she gets mad at. She has developed and emotional relationship with a man that is 10 years younger. Physically he is not her type but she really likes hanging with him. SHe is constantly doing things for him like letting his dogs out, going to lunch with him, etc. Today she came up and needed to borrow my truck so she could pick up his lawn mower from the shop. I just finished reading Divorce Remedy and don't know if I need to to a 180 or do the last resort.

The "Last resort" is just that; the LAST resort, which you do AFTER you have exhausted all the other approaches. You seem to have tried zero...so why would you leap to the last one so fast?

I am talking to one of the DB telephone councilors and she tells me to be nice but to give her complete space. Should I confront her with all the time she is giving this other man?

TAKE YOUR COACHES ADVICE. You may not realize this but it feels as if you are asking us to undermine or second guess that.

The DB coach's are the experts and their advice is consistent with the philosophy advocated by MWD in her books, Div Busting and Div Remedy.

I highly doubt your coach simply said "be nice". IF you are going to get help here and from the coaches, (which I did and which I treasured), don't pit us against each other.

But do Make sure you give us the same information you give the DB coach, (don't leave out details), and make sure you are accurately reflecting back to us the advice you got from her. OH, AND PLEASE stick to one thread...makes it much easier to advise you. Otherwise it's piecemeal and super inefficient.

Make sense?


As I said, I think it is just an emotional and not a physical connection. I have been going through H for 9 months and really want our marriage of almost 20 years to succeed. Our 20th anniversary is the 1st of October.

So what is it you want to work on, in YOU? What are your 180s? (Incidentally, the 180s are not to be abandoned, ever. Those are changes YOU WANT to make in your life.)

If your w complains that you are "always late", then a 180 for you is to be MR PUNCTUAL - and that's not just to get your wife to notice that you are changing (but that IS part of it), it's also b/c you don't want to always be late, right?

So the more your 180s undermine her negative images of you, with new changes, new positives, the more she'll second guess her choice to "not be in love". Make no mistake, love is at least partly a choice.

Counter the negative reasons/justifications she has for wanting out, or not wanting to work on things, with positives. Show her that her negative "Data" about you is flawed, or out of date. The "new improved you" is a man she'd be a fool to leave. Become a man only a fool would leave.


If she says something from the past/present that is negative but true, (even if only partly true) you say "Yes I see that now and I"m sorry I hurt you. I'm working on that and If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

If she brings up something you don't even recall, OR you think of it very differently, do not deny it~~~~~~ B/C our memories are not perfect either, and we CAN recall things inaccurately just like they can,

Instead, say "Wow that's not how I recall that, but I'm sorry you were hurt. If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

both of the above responses show your willingness to change, which is KEY, and your regrets about her pain, which is true anyhow (B/c you ARE sorry she was hurt, whether you believe you specifically caused it or not, right?)

And neither response escalates things, & neither response makes you a doormat.

So, what are your 180s and GAL? You need to do both, a lot. Which approaches or techniques have you tried and felt have failed, that you now want to go to LRT so fast?

You CAN turn this around but it starts with YOU. Not her, you. The good news is that you do control you.

I also hammer the GAL activities for one reason....it works. It saves your sanity for one thing, and almost always gets the WAS to wonder about what is happening to you...which is a good thing. A little mystery on your end is a good thing. Do not be so predictable.

Hang in there and I suggest you stay on this thread since it has more of your history but regardless, let us know which one to use, okay?

GOOD LUCK!!

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for the input. You are completely right when I look at it. Trying to figure out how to do my 180. The more involved I get around the house and with the kids, the more she pushes away and gets irritated. I am working on my GAL and to give her plenty of space. What I have been doing for the last 9 months has been driving her crazy and also my self.

well if I were a "fixer", I'd say STOP DOING THAT^^^ b/c it's 1) Not helping and 2) it's making things worse. Div Busting 101 is "do what works, do not do what hurts the r".

Identify specifically the things you do that make her/you nuts and do NOT do them anymore. You will probably need "replacement" behaviors and that's a great thing to work on with your DB coach. We can also offer suggestions.


My full focus on trying to fix the marriage

focus on fixing YOU. You'll have a lot more success, AND for sure it won't drive her nuts.


has pushed W into an emotional relationship with another man which just eats me up.

I can understand that. It stinks so you need to put the image of a STOP SIGN in your head and change topics, when that negative stinking thinking enters your brain.

For now, why not Be the better choice? Be a man only a fool would leave. (And listen to that DB coach! They can be Godsends.)

Just do not know how to do a 180 because my personality is full force forward on trying to fix problems; I get tunnel vision.

Kind of a cop out. Like saying since changing is hard "for you", as if changing is easy for any of us, you shouldn't have to do it. Welcome to the world of adults needing to fix themselves.

Again, ask the DB coach and your own counselor HOW to stop controlling so much.

Yes I say "Controllng" b/c that's what the phrase "full force forward trying to fix" sounds like to ME at least. It may also border on bullying, but I can't tell b/c your descriptions are pretty vague.

What do YOU mean by "full force"?

Also another thing some folks do, is to suggest a "fix" to a spouse when the only thing the spouse actually wanted, was to be Listened to...you wife may have simply hoped you would listen to her.

I know a few men (and my h was one of them!) who try to "fix" their wife's work problems with 1-2 sentence suggestions.

Here is how one wife HEARD that "fix"...

"as if I have not already thought of that! But I won't be quitting my job...b/c I can't/ or b/c I love other parts of it, or b/c we need the money, or because I just don't like that specific co-worker/ ETC...."

"and when he tells me his "solution", it's as if the discussion has to end now, b/c after all, he "fixed it" for me.

So in other words HE IS DONE listening and we have to move on to another topic. I feel like he's more or less saying, "so now shut up"....


Of course I know that's not what her h intended, yet it's how many recipients of the "Fixers" feel. Also condescended to, and dismissed. So your help/fixes, are not received as such. And that needs to change asap.

Back off and LISTEN. Learn to stfu, and that will also go far.


This is a blessing on many fronts but not so much when it comes to relationship building.

It's Not a blessing in relationships.

What are you going to do to work on that?

[20&lost]

My Goals are: (Istart the 180 last Thursday 9/4/14)
1. She will tell me about her day.
2. She will text or call me for no reason
3.She will attempt some type of touching.
4. She will want to be in the same room as me
5. She will start doing things around the house
6. She will start making the bed
7. She will use the words “baby” or “honey”
8. She will answer or talk to me in more than one word sentences
9. She will compliment me
10. She will laugh around me and show happiness
11. She will say “Thank You” when I do things for her
12. She will be curious about my day or ask how my day has gone
13. She will initiate a conversation
14. I will work on my fitness
15. I will not be around the house so much looking like I am waiting on her
16. I will give her space
17. I will not go out to smoking area while she is there and if 18. she comes out I will go back inside
19. I will not ask stupid questions
20. I will not initiate conversation unless it is needed
21. I will GAL
22. I will sign up for Scuba lessons
23. I will define my boundaries to her in a loving way
24. I will be happy and loving around the house
25. I will quit doing things just to try and please her

My GAL's are
1. Get the yard looking better (She has always complained)
2. Get to a Gym. I have started CrossFit
3. Get my Open Water Scuba Certification. Both of my kids are certified and love scuba diving. I asked her if she wated to but she said she didn't have time. I will have this complete by next Tuesday.
3. Re bond with my friends who I have had very little contact for the last 9 months.