Thanks Tuff and Ats. I'm sorry you find yourselves here. I do appreciate your kind words. It's not always a party is it? A year ago if I had read these stories , I would think "that's impossible. No way could a spouse or SO act or say that." Very valuable lesson learned.
I'm not always positive. I think I've just accepted this sitch. It doesn't make sense but I realize that is pointless to expend energy on trying to logically piece this together. That crazy logic. As Job says, I do think the answers will come one day.
I follow many sitches on here and they are unique, yet the script is pretty much the same. I did a pretty good job DBing while my h was on the house post BD. I took the things that bothered him and did a 180. For example, he said he hated it when I asked about work because I just thought he was going to get fired. (He has been fired from every job he's had since we were married).i no longer ask about work. Plus, his boss is having an affair with one of the employees and all of the other worked except for owner are in their20s. He took all of their advice so not much to discuss there. He said I doubted his word. He was having an EA at the time so I never have mentioned OW who he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with to a friend. We used to discuss family. He hasn't spoken to his parents since Jan so that topic is moot. He said he hated that I didn't intervene when kids were being difficult. No 180 on that. He left so his relationship with them is his own. He said I put the kids first. Totally true. However, my kids were blindsided by this so they need me. I cannot not focus on them now. This totally rocked their world. Plus he would never do anything with is as he would view it as cheating on OW. He has asked about kids 3 times. Once he asked what s4 was doing (his buddy) and the other 2 times he asked kids to call him. We used to share photos and funnies about kids. He cut photo stream when he moved out so I don't share pics or stories. He has only done one thing around the house since moving out. The toilet overflowed and he put towels down. I thanked him for doing so and he tweeted (I still checked then) that this was part of why he left and he was happy to be done with this. Also, we did have a SSM. Not much to do with OW.
The last conversation we had was at Starbucks when he stated that part of the reason our M failed was that we didn't have enough joint assets. I failed DB miserably and said. "Looks like that was the right decision." We have a house with no equity anc lots of issues and 2 cars. That's it. Not wealthy by any means. I hope I don't sound defeatist, however at that point I just decided to let him be. I'm still cordial and am polite in correspondence. Typical of our m, I paid to file and have done the leg work. I thought about letting him handle that as that would have been a 180. Doesn't really matter. He told mutual acquaintances we were divorced back in spring and others that I was dragging the D out. I'm happy to have a good sense of humor.
I never thought he would behave the way he has. That's why I decide to just let him walk this journey. I hope I don't sound like I didn't live my h- I did very much. I just have to let him be. I have zero control over him. I spent a great deal of our m trying to fix and offering up solutions. He always said, "if he did x, then I would have to do y." In my mind, I was trying to help him do what *made him happy.* Nada.
This whole experience has been an eye opener. I was never in control. I didn't know that. Now I do. I'm still fiercely independent. I'm flawed. I've learned a great deal. I no longer react. I respond. I always felt like I had to justify everything. I'm geting better with that. I felt this insatiable need to be right. Now, my boss even laughs at me. When I'm wrong, I just say. "I was wrong." Or when I make a mistake, I just say "I'm sorry. That was my fault" or adrees the mistake specifically.
Divorce won't make me happy. At this point, it's a business transaction. I like me. I'm still flawed although I think I've made some positive changes. I'm not interested in fixing anyone. I'm still a good person and a pretty gosh darn good mom. I can be better. I will be better. I get tired and I figure I will rest when I'm dead. It's difficult to recharge as many of you can relate when you have the kids full time and whether you are a SAHM or work out of the home as well. I find little ways. And laughter. Lots of laughter. I'm not giving up my warped sense of humor. It keeps me sane.
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 09/07/1401:11 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Good morning, Georgia. Boy, It's amazing how much everyone here's stories and feelings match. The details are all different, but the scenarios are very much the same. It sounds to me like you are processing the fact that you now realize that it's right and truly over. The end of your M and the life you had, all the plans for the future for yourself and your kids is done. It's a weird feeling, I know. Part of you is glad it's over and you can move on. Part of you is (still) sad, still cannot understand how things changed so much so fast.
Last night, after spending most of the day with my STBXW and D14, I started thinking about how, some day in the not too distant future, I'll be a grand father. I thought about how different that is going to be now that my W has D'd me. Every event will have some kind of oddness. D's will get married some day and instead of sharing something as wonderful as that as a family, there will be awkwardness... will W be remarried by then? Will I be? How will D's feel about things like my W bringing an OP? Will any OP that she brings into my D's lives be kind and caring? No funny stories about mom and dad' marriage as it will be a subject that makes everyone feel odd. It all just seems so un-nessicerry, so wrong. These are the kind of things that will always be there, always be effected by the crazy actions and choices that our S's are making now.
You have used this sitch to make yourself a better person. You have risen above the pain and despair. You are a darn good person, Georgia. You are also someone that has been tested hard by life and you are coming out passing with flying colors! Keep laughing, keep that "warped" sense of humor (I have one as well and love other people who share that). The fact that all of us here have worked so hard to not only try and keep our M's but to make sure that all of those affected by the craziness come out OK like the kids, show that we are decent, caring people. We still care about our S's even after all they have done to destroy the things we held most dear. We care about our kids and how they will get through all of this. Contrast that to the MLCers who can't seem to care about anyone BUT themselves. To the people who would have reacted to the pain caused by our S's with hatred and acting out of their own and you see that we are all good, decent people who have had something horrible thrust on us and we are dealing better than most would!
Enjoy the first Sunday of football season. Now if I could only find a way to watch my Eagles down here in Cowboy country......
Wow! I just found the ghost journal I kept daily after BD. There is some crazy caca in there. Now, almost 9 months later I feel pretty good. I'm sure I will be sad tomorrow. I hope that all goes well and it's quick, smooth, and finished. I know I'm not finished with stbxh-just feel kind of embarrassed with his behavior and I'm married to him. That sounds very superficial I suppose. I just remember when I started hanging out with h, everyone said he was such a great guy. Not to miss out. I am grateful for my time and 3 beautiful babies. This is not an ending I imagined. Now I think, "this guy? Really?"
Fingers crossed for tomorrow.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Wishing you well tomorrow. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers that everything goes smoothly for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Keep up the good work, whatever happens you can handle it.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Thanks everyone. Today was my first and hopefully last day in a courtroom. It was very "My Cousin Vinny" like. I sat through several civil cases as mine was last on the docket. Let me just say that tube tops don't feel appropriate for court so says the fashion police.:) And after listening to a few cases, I reminded myself how much I like being boring. Pass the wasabi not the drama. Everything went well.
I was a bit nostalgic last night and prior to court. However, it was just a business's transaction. H didn't show. I wish you guys could see my not terribly surprised face. Speaking of, I have in my mind what some of you look like. You can tell me your celebrity look a like if you want. Sounds fun.
I'm not happy about it or sad. It was something that needed to happen for business purposes. It's not the end but rather a new beginning. I haven't always mastered this although I remind myself of something that is important to me. Each night I when I *finally* put my head on the pillow, I want to rest knowing I did the best I could and I feel good about the way I conducted myself. That goes for life in general.
I'm always overwhelmed by the goodness of everyone here.
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 09/09/1406:03 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
GB, it's so good to read your update. I'm glad it went well, and that your humor is most definitely in tact.
I like the celebrity look-alike idea.... I'm going to have to ask some honest people, because I know I would answer with the person I WISH I looked like
I'm glad the court hearing went well. You have done the best that you can w/the situation. Yes, a new beginning is now on the horizon and I know you will be just fine and the world is out there w/arms stretched out waiting to embrace you and your family.
GA, it's a new chapter and one that you get to write the way that you would like it to be.
Take care of yourself and I do hope that you will continue to post as your journey is not over yet.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
