As an alcoholic myself and knowing what it did to my marriage before I quit, HE has to be DONE. and until he is, nothing, no outside force, no magic pill, NOTHING will stop him. We he decides he is done, he must find a top notch sponsor ASAP and start working his steps.
Just my 2¢.
Take care of you. I recommend you look into Al-Anon for yourself. An alcoholic can ruin lives in a hurry.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I am ok I guess...I am hurt to the core because I really thought we were on the other side of this. It would be 4 years now on Thanksgiving since he came home and he did so many things right.
It is almost the same all over again although he is not living with OW and I am not sure it was even to the point of him seeing her YET but he was calling her, drinking more and at that bar.
I believe I am ready to move on. My heart is broken for me and my kids. We have a lot of healing to do.
Addiction is a hard, hard thing to deal with. There's nothing one can do or say to "fix" the person they love, as much as they wish it could be so. As the adage goes, usually people have to hit rock bottom to change and it's very easy to relapse if there's no constant support system in place.
An addict is always an addict, forever, even if they're not currently abusing, so programs like Alcoholics Anonymous are a god send to help keeping those that want to live addiction free continue to do so.
For YOU, I suggest looking into a AlAnon (or AlATeen)program near you, which caters specifically to the FAMILY of alcoholics and addicts.You can Google to find one. You'll find support and understanding there -- even if you don't plan to stay with your H, it will be a benefit to you and your kids to help you move forward with your lives and find some peace.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
You probably don't have the energy to go through this again.
In dealing with a serious addiction you need to protect you hone, assets and children. Take those steps.
If you want a divorce, move forward.
If you want to save the marriage, then it's time for an ultimatum and serious, hard demands: marriage counseling, AA, no contact with OW. If he says he'd rather pluck his eyes out than go into marriage counseling, then tell him you would rather be divorced than live with a drunk who cheats on you.
No, I do not have the energy ...I have already filed. I did a lot of work on myelf when he left for hte first time 4 years ago so if he came home I was ready if he didn't I was ready. He seemed like a different man. This time -It was like he literately flipped a switch and started walking away from the M.
Tonight he told me to quit obsessing and MOVE ON! That hurt. He stops at nothing to hurt me...I don't even know what I have done.
I think he is mad I moved out...but I never got an explanation as to what the plan was ....why he did what he did...nothing...but he never stated any intentions of stopping me from moving out or apologizing.
I am not 100 % sure he is alcoholic. He does hide his drinking from me and kids and lies about and makes very poor choices. And no one will tell him to quit he says.
So, how does he not remember how miserable he was when he lived with OW?? Was that a lie? Or does he not care now?
What is going on??
I am having a hard night tonight and I thank you ahead of time for some insight.
Last edited by lifejustgothard2; 11/20/1403:19 AM.
If I had any insight I'd offer it in a second. But I dont. All I have is a gigantic hug, and a high five for you for being SO STRONG. I hope that in all the chaos of emotion you are feeling pride, because you stood by your values.
Adding you to my lengthy prayer list.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
My feeling is, he's an alcoholic. If drinking has caused ANY problems in your life and you continue, well....
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I know..one minute I think that the other minute I feel like I am giving him a free pass rather than call it like it is...a man who decides he just doesn't want to be married anymore or rarely see his kids.
He slipped into old behavior patterns which are cruel and completely destroy trust.
When you lie about your drinking, you are probably an alcoholic.
When you contact the OW you had an affair with -- you're probably ready to cheat.
No need to try and find out what is going on. If you are intent on divorce, focus on you. Trying to figure our what's in their head has been rightly called "Untangling the Skein of F*ckedupedness" It's not fruitful to try. See if you can find this article online.
thank you ...I guess part of me still wants him to swoop in and save the day and promise to do the work...
but he did that once....
Oh well...yes I need to stop letting this take up space in my brain. It just amazes me that he doesn't seem to be hurting or that he would even think he owes me explanation. Just nothing. It is hard for all of us kids too.
That hurt. He stops at nothing to hurt me...I don't even know what I have done.