Need Help before I blow a fuse.

[Starsky309]

Super! Nothing like a little "leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them." MUCH easier to deal with, too, by just ignoring anything that's negative.

PMA!

[20&lost]

I have been doing a 180 for a little over a week. I have had a few failures in my 180 but everyday I am doing better. I have had some positives (very small baby steps) from my W but more or less things are the same. I am having a problem on how to be loving and at the same time "let go" or disengage. Where I keep falling down on my 180 is I still try to engage her looking for some positive feedback when I know every time I engage it reenforces the negative. It is hard to not have any communication in the house unless I start it and that is where I am failing big time. Silence is deafening and I become impatient.

[bdub]

No expectations.

A commonly used quote around here is "treat them like you would a friendly neighbor"

[20&lost]

thank you bdub. She is still in the house and really has never said anything about separation or D. She just will not emotionally engage with me. We still sleep in the same bed but there has been little or no physical contact for almost 11 months now. Sometimes she looks at me and I get the feeling it is "like finger nails on a chalk board" to her.

[bdub]

Sorry, I did not read back through your sitch. Hopefully there is a vet floating around here that is familiar with what you are going through. I tend to think you may need to change tactics a little since there has been no talk of D or leaving.

[20&lost]

bdub, I am trying to figure out what tactics. I know when I push she runs. She basically says she loves me but is not in love with me and that she is willing to keep the R like it is and just live with it. She is totally emotionally disconnected and there is nothing I do do that is right. She never gives a compliment but is real fast telling what I did wrong. She keeps arm length from me. She has said that I have been a good father and a good person and that she knows the family can count on me but that she just "doesn't have feeling in her where she can let her hair down around me" so to speak. I tried everything I knew to do over the last 10 months which was exactly opposite of DB. I have my 20th anniversary coming up a week from this Wen.

[bdub]

Starsky and 25 years are 2 of the best on this board. Pay attention to what they are telling you.

Stop pushing her if you know it does not work.

[20&lost]

Had a decent day yesterday. What I didn't do and I now know to do is that when my W talks to me is look at her with loving eyes and pay attention. I have been so focused on the negatives for so long it is hard change your mindset and to be patient, very very patient and to concentrate on the positives. I did not see my W after supper (she was in a decent mood) until she came into the office this morning and she was in a terrible mood; had a scowl on her face. This is when I most want to engage but know I shouldn't so I didn't. Disengaging is so hard.....Does it get better with time? I have been GALing. Got my Open Water Scuba Certificate, which came in the mail yesterday. MY W maybe upset over this since both of my kids are certified. I had asked her three times over the last year if she wanted to but she found a way of saying no, even tho I think she really wanted too. Because of the kids it is something I wanted to do so I just did it. I have also started an exercise program (CrossFit) with my S.
Because my W and I work and own the business together, days like today are hard but I am keeping my distance because I know the only one I can change is myself.

[25yearsmlc]

Had a decent day yesterday. What I didn't do and I now know to do is that when my W talks to me is look at her with loving eyes and pay attention.

Glad you now know. Did you read the Div Busting book or the Div Remedy book? I think they both touch on "active listening" but in any event, DO read those books. I thought you had...anyhow, keep this small but important change, going. It really helps you to "gather intel" and to know what your w is really saying. Not what you fear she means, but what she is saying.

And it helps to "re-cap" what you think she just said, so she can hear and know you really listened AND so you can be sure you got it right. Both are valuable goals. I suggest doing this for any discussions with people.


I have been so focused on the negatives for so long it is hard change your mindset and to be patient, very very patient and to concentrate on the positives.


Again, this ^^ is one of those tools that helps in life overall, not just these situations. I HIGHLY recommend you learn to adopt this as a life approach.

There are two TED TALKS on youtube that you might enjoy and get a lot out of. One is by Amy Cuddy called "Faking it til You Become It" and another one by Shawn Achor called "The Power of Positivity" and

both videos are about 20 minutes. Very good to learn.


I did not see my W after supper (she was in a decent mood) until she came into the office this morning and she was in a terrible mood; had a scowl on her face. This is when I most want to engage but know I shouldn't so I didn't.


why is this when you "most" want to engage her? I'd say it's the worst time.


Disengaging is so hard.....Does it get better with time?


Yes. Even just 10 days of a new behavior can be a milestone that is pivotal. It'll mean you actually CAN change something in you. Try it.


I have been GALing. Got my Open Water Scuba Certificate, which came in the mail yesterday. MY W maybe upset over this

So what?

You have no control over how she feels AND you had a good reason for it AND you can afford it AND you did not hide it from her.

Enough with the worrying. Stop that, or it'll be more of the "panic attack" mode you are done with.

Okay?


since both of my kids are certified. I had asked her three times over the last year if she wanted to but she found a way of saying no, even tho I think she really wanted too. Because of the kids it is something I wanted to do so I just did it.

No, you did not "Just do it". You had a lot of reasons. Don't negate them now.

I have also started an exercise program (CrossFit) with my S.

Good stuff. Are you doing any GAL with NEW people who don't know your sitch? That really does help you NOT obsess about her, you get stimulated in ways that do not remind you of your wife or situation and--

Plus it gives you an air of mystery.


Because my W and I work and own the business together, days like today are hard but I am keeping my distance because I know the only one I can change is myself.

Indeed you are. So, what else do you have planned for your 180s and GAL?

[20&lost]

My 180's
1.Give her time to so she can trust that I am not checking up on her and that she knows I trust her
2.Quit trying to engage her for no reason
3.Get out of house and do things
4.Quit asking stupid questions
5.Quit talking about the kids and do things with them
6.Think, sit still before I open my mouth
7.When she speaks, look at her and listen to her
8.Clean up what I mess up
9.Get better organized
10.I am not a funny person but I can show that I am comfortable and I can laugh at things I find funny.
11.Be a better listener at the supper table
12.Try to find interesting things to talk about around the family
13.Trust the Lord and trust her.
14.When I think she may be doing things behind my back, believe what she says unless I know for sure that is not the case. Do not let my mind think up things that I do not know for 100%.
15.Give her plenty of space.
16.Get a life
17. No emails or texts unless it is necessary.
18. When at home, give W plenty of space and don't try to start a conversation just for conversation. Let W start it. If one doesn't happen before I go to bed tell W goodnight and go to bed.
19. Be myself and start having fun again.

GALS
1. CrossFit exercise program
2. Fishing at the beach
3. Plan and go on a Scuba trip.
4. Yard Work
5. Minor house repairs
6. Work on new branch office we just started.
7. Get involved with new church