To Pursue or Not

[twinmom]

Unfortunately, I have no family where I'm at. Being prior military I settled after I got out of the Army.

You are brave to take those many kids to a restaurant alone! I'm starting to do more things alone with all the kids that we used to do together. It gets crazy, but I'm seeing it can be done. I thank God for my 8 yr old because she can take the 3 yr olds to the bathroom if needed. And she's enough mature to know stay where you at if I step away for a minute.

Can you afford a "mothers helper" type nanny? As in a middle school/high school student who wouldn't be capable of caring for the kids alone but would be an invaluable help for you? I know some of S13 friends (the girls) always want to play/help me at school and sports events. A few have asked if I ever needed help at home they were learning to babysit and they charged $4 an hour.

As far as wife coming home late. I agree with Starsky that you should lock the door, go to bed and tell her if your not going to be on time don't come at all.

[Arcola]

I may have to look into a nanny or sitter once we are separated.

So last night I had a setback. I tried to console her since she was upset about moving out and all. Aside from our sitch, she had signed a 6 month agreement on a house rental and was suppose to move in this Fri. As far as I know she doesn't have anything in the house as of yet. Plus we had some unexpected things come up that requires more money out of pocket. So given all those things is why she's mad.

But back to the setback. I felt like a fool afterward. I guess I was expecting her to give in and have sex. She didn't budge. I also spoke some of my feelings towards our sitch and she didn't validate those feelings. So me looking more of a fool.

The only thing good/awkward about the night was that she came from second job and watched a movie with me. We were like 10 feet apart. Anyway, major setback and time for me to detach again, hopefully longer than 4-5 days.

[Arcola]

So to add to my previous post W has started moving in the rental slowly but surely. She did some moving Saturday. OM helped her. The news got indirectly broke to D8. D8 appears uneasy with it I can tell. I haven't talked to D8 to deeply about it with W or alone, but according to W D8 only concern is if I can be over for dinner sometimes and W over for dinner sometimes.

So in a week ago in an earlier post I told wife I'd help her with moving. I had mixed feelings then, but they are even stronger now that she is actually moving. I will say I refuse to help if OM is around on the day(s) I help. So I need some advice, since I gave my word last week that I'd help, do I stick to it or not?

[twinmom]

No, don't bring it up. If she directly asks you to help her you can cross that bridge but if she doesn't say anything pretend you forgot.

You don't want a divorce don't do anything to help her destroy the marriage. If she wants it let her do the heavy lifting (literally)

[Arcola]

Well I ended up helping her move some things from our house to the rental. While moving I stopped her to talk and let her know she didn't have to do this. She is very emotional about the move too as she has put so much effort into the house we currently live in. While talking, I mentioned how I felt about OM being in the picture and why I overreacted at the beginning of things. She went on to tell me how she felt about OM. She also went on to say part of the reason for her moving because things weren't getting any better between me and her (In my head I'm like duhhh!!! But you aren't trying to make the changes necessary for us to work on our sitch). She says she values him as a friend. Some tears were shed as she expressed how she felt and I too. Unfortunately, nothing got resolved as far as our sitch.

While talking to her she did tell me that OM sometimes gets on her nerves. She said this past Friday at work he asked how she liked the rental and she began to break down in tears. I'm guessing he said its okay, but he also said, "Cheer up its Friday!" He also said something else to do with Friday that didn't make her feel any better. It was some relief knowing that OM might not know just how to comfort my W. And she's one to hold a grudge. If things progress between them I truly hope OM Fs up.

W doesn't plan on moving out until this weekend. Moreover, its a 6 month lease. Hopefully, in that time I progress myself for the better and W and our sitch gets back to what we had but better prior to OM. My kids are all excited about the move. If we argue, we don't do it around the kids. So I guess they think this is some kind of new house or getaway. Whatever they may be feeling I hope the transition isn't too hard on them.

[twinmom]

Here are the mistakes I made and I don't want to see you make....

Telling her she doesn't have to move, she knows that and SHE is the one who wants to. This is huge pursuit.

Comforting her...... when she is upset validate her feelings by saying something like "I know this situation is hard on everyone"

Talking about OM......... (I will add more later, my only "screen time" is when Lilly is nursing and she is done now)

[Starsky309]

Allowing her to talk to you about her OM is emasculating. That's when you get into gay-boyfriend mode, and it absolutely KILLS attraction.

[Arcola]

So an update since I havent posted in a while. Yesterday, I was browsing through W's emails and saw she had sent her mom an email stating the following in there order of progression

-she first saw OM as a friend
-now she wants to be S/D from me
-now she wants to be with OM because she is ready for a man to treat her how she should be treated

Lastly, in an email she sent to me about the foster care situation and whatll need to happen so we can adopt, she also sent this email to OM. Contents of this email pretty much stated we must remain legally separated in order to adopt the kids as mom/dad. Also, since her house will be the licensed house visits to mine will have to be approved. So her follow on response while sending this to OM was she hates she'll have to split her time between two places and it wont be easy. OM replies, "We'll figure something out once we get into a routine."

I was heart broken. I never brought it up to her, but that night we did some talking and without her mentioning OM, she said she wanted a divorce. She also said things weren't getting better between us. My unspoken response, "no s!!!"
She wants us to talk about the specifics of the D,S,kids whatever is in topic for her/us moving on and I guess still be some kind of friends.

I've tried being the friend, but it just doesnt feel right. I feel she is so far gone, based on the email and us only talking about the day to day of the kids and a rental house we are landlords over. We dont even go anywhere together anymore even if it is with the kids. Last weekend she took all the kids and went with OM and spent the day in a neighboring city. This weekend unless she says she wants to come, I'll be taking 4 or 5 kids all by myself to this carnival that is in town.

Running out of time but will add more later. Bottom line, I'm severely hurt and this [censored]. I dont even know if its worth it anymore.

[Arcola]

Sitch hasn't changed much, but yesterday we W, kids, and I went to a few stores together and ran errands. Haven't done this in maybe 2 months. We're suppose to take all the kids to a carnival in town Sun. I initially said I was going alone with all, but she decided to come. Not user if it was b/c of two other foster kids we once had, b/c then I told her I would need her to come along. We talk still, but as friends. She doesn't bring up OM, but I know he's still in the picture. Right now I just need to detach. This is like the 10th time start over, but hopefully today no touching her. That's my biggest detaching obstacle.

[Arcola]

I'm still trying my hardest to detach, but in that process I thought it would be beneficial for me to remove W or my cell phone line from our plan. This would be so I can't check the phone/text logs. Aside from being used to detach, is this a wise move?