Need Help before I blow a fuse.

[20&lost]

You are right I would go through all of this to have the children I have. They are wonderful ans I love them very much and when I see them everyday I thank God for bringing them into the world. Thank you for helping me see things differently.

I have a question. How do I handle situations when my W cuts me down or says means things to me when we are around the kids or freinds. Do I just ignore the comments so not to reinforce the negatives. I have been trying to defending myself when she does. I had a friend that I confided in call me to tell me that he has heard to comments from others saying how mean she is to me.

[25yearsmlc]

You are right I would go through all of this to have the children I have. They are wonderful ans I love them very much and when I see them everyday I thank God for bringing them into the world. Thank you for helping me see things differently.

You're very welcome.

I have a question. How do I handle situations when my W cuts me down or says means things to me when we are around the kids or freinds.

In PRIVATE, tell her that you want to model better behavior for the kids, and YOU will work on it and need her to do so as well...meaning, you want "both" of you to watch out for snide or sarcastic belittling comments around each other.

During this short discussion, make full eye contact and be as calm as you can...Make it about the kids...if she acts shocked,

Give her an example of ONE thing she did or said that was rude & in front of others. Then drop the issue and move on to something else.

Do I just ignore the comments so not to reinforce the negatives. I have been trying to defending myself when she does.

Stop defending yourself. If she makes a snotty remark in front of others, you can show surprise (as if you are stunned she'd be so rude "in public"),

Then you really have 2 options left. (Diffuse and or leave.)

(((**Again, this is after you have privately told her you want to set a better example for the kids, you want to reduce any "public" humiliations or awkward moments, for everyone.**)))

Once that^^^ has been done w/clarity (so you know she understood),

IF it happens again, i.e. she makes a snotty remark in front of others,

You can 1) make a funny, diffusing comment that also makes the point that she needs to watch being so weird in public, such as "w, i thought we decided we wanted LESS awkwardness with our friends, NOT More",

and then change the subject or offer someone a drink/snack, so you've made the point and then transitioned in a way that reduces tension and changes the focus.

Another diffusing comment might just come to you in the moment,

or you can say something witty along the lines of "W, I'm going to withhold my hilarious and biting retort, b/c I am setting an example for our children" and say it in a "fancy pants" or British way, that comes off as if you are mocking yourself...

( i don't know you or your sense of humor, so I'm just spitballing & brainstorming here)

if you can pull it off with a pleasant expression and make it funny, you are also speaking the total truth...which is ironically often the easiest thing to say and remember AND NOT escalate.

Otherwise, your option is to smack her down (verbally) but know that if you do this, she MAY respect you more but won't show that in the moment if ever AND OR she may just get angry. It could escalate but then YOU leave so, no biggie, right?

And this is not all about HER reaction, it's about what you will put up with. It's about YOUR own personal boundary and self respect. You are not trying to "Control" her. You are simply expressing self respect , which means you will not stand by and just "take it" from her, especially in front of your children. That is teaching them so many bad things, I would not know where to start.

Set a boundary of being treated with a modicum of respect.

Okay. So assume she won't back off , and that she is really dissing you...unprovoked and not ceasing...

Why not Outright tell her then & there that "The remark was unfair & uncalled for---not to mention awkward for our family & friends..." but after that, you have to leave b/c chances are she'll escalate. IF she apologizes (it could happen...) you graciously accept it and move along onto a new subject...

Another option is You leaving the area. (NOT you moving out of the house--I mean leave the room, or leave the house then, for a time...)

First You give her the look of incredulity, ("With??") that she'd say something SO nasty, and in front of others!!

AND all that, after you suggested that you both work on reducing tension in the house

and THEN you say "Excuse me everyone, but I need to go. It was really Great seeing you all" and then leave the area. I mean it, LEAVE the area.

She'll be left right there alone. Everyone will know you left b/c she was unable to treat you civilly in public. Even if she pretends "Good! Now the real party can start!", it'll be very awkward b/c of her. She will not come off smelling like a rose and imo, she'll regret mistreating you.

Whatever your flaws of the past were, as of today, YOU will be the better catch b/c you are the one growing and changing the most, correct?

Hope this^^ helps.



I had a friend that I confided in call me to tell me that he has heard to comments from others saying how mean she is to me.

when someone says that about a woman re how she treats her h, a lot of times the next comment out of their mouths, which they won't share with you, is how weak you seemed.

You need to start changing that perception with your actions/words. At first it will NOT be comfortable (change is rarely comfortable, but often just what is needed).

But you will feel better about yourself, and that will show. That serves as further incentive to better behavior=which makes you feel better about yourself --

and as your confidence grows, your actions better reflect that and then, again you are incentivized to grow...and so on & so forth.

Make sense?

[20&lost]

Everything you say makes sense. I have been walking on eggshells so long because I have been scared to lose her and the M. I have not had a backbone in a long while and have taken a great deal of abuse in front of the kids, my employees and my friends. I have always tried to just defend myself each time. I guess I have been scared and didn't know the correct ways of stating things. I do not have a great sense of humor and "one liners" are not in my DNA. I do know that I have to start somewhere and the first place is about children. I will have to wait until she disses me in front of them because I doubt she even knows she is doing it and will not remember anything in the past.

[25yearsmlc]

Everything you say makes sense. I have been walking on eggshells so long because I have been scared to lose her and the M. I have not had a backbone in a long while and have taken a great deal of abuse in front of the kids, my employees and my friends. I have always tried to just defend myself each time.

I'm fairly certain this^ is going to be fruitless. The "Defending" yourself endeavor will escalate things and NOT ever convince her on the spot, that she was wrong.

it may just be your way of not being a doormat, but a better goal would be to express yourself clearly.

Something like saying "No W, I disagree with you. But we will re-visit this issue LATER b/c now is NOT the time or place" and you can memorize that line til it comes out naturally.

To "enforce it"< may simply mean you walk out of the room. OR she may abide by it. I personally think you ought to "warn" her ahead of time that you do NOT want to be castigated in front of employees or family or friends (or anyone really) again and that you WILL redirect her criticisms next time.

It's really bad for the work environment to have your bosses fighting or carping or worse, back stabbing. It's a toxic environment I'd think she'd realize it if you point it out. Even if she denies it then say

"Well FYI FROM NOW ON I don't want it to happen again. And if it 'never really did happen' and you've never made a snide remark or berated me in public and I'm just being delusional, then it shouldn't be hard for you to avoid dong..."


As for one liners, Who said you can't tell a joke? OR that it's not in your DNA? A LOT of that is a matter of confidence, assuming you have mastered English.

(To learn how to tell a joke, read Judy Carter's book "Stand Up Comedy" -The Workbook" b/c it's very helpful in structuring your jokes and in telling them, and it' a FUN read.)

It's not only for people who do stand up comedy. It's also for public speakers who need to insert some humor in their keynote addresses AND it's also just for fun.

One of my sisters always forgets the punch line to jokes, but when she read this book it helped her recall those lines and she was thrilled. There's Lots of comedy IN the book.



I guess I have been scared and didn't know the correct ways of stating things. I do not have a great sense of humor and "one liners" are not in my DNA.

Do you laugh at funny things or not?

To me, a sense of humor is being able to laugh, especially to laugh at yourself or at no one's expense and to enjoy the actual laughter itself. Laughter is an indicator of quality of life. I cannot imagine a life without a lot of laughter.

FYI, people who laugh on a daily basis report MUCH higher levels of happiness in their lives. (Laughter also attracts other people to you).

If you actually don't "let go" enough to laugh hard, or often, I'd work on that with an IC.

Senses of humor are not necessarily all about making others laugh. I appreciate great artwork but that does not mean I am THE ARTIST. It means I appreciate art in some form(s) and that's fine. Nothing says I have to BE an artist, to be artistic or have artsy tastes. Do you get this? You can have a wonderful sense of humor and not be a joke teller.

But if you are saying you're not the one who'd come up with a snappy one liner, ever, or on the spot, then think ahead and practice.


Just don't resist laughter in your life; it's a source of joy for (AND those around you.)

If you ever do make a joke, Do NOT wait for the laugh to come after. That makes people feel forced and it's harder for them to enjoy.
But if you simply make the remark as if YOU are amused, that's all that matters. (And In the end, that's the truth anyhow.)



I do know that I have to start somewhere and the first place is about children. I will have to wait until she disses me in front of them because I doubt she even knows she is doing it and will not remember anything in the past.

Like I said, I'd give her a heads up before it happens or she'll be so shocked that it'll require too much for her to "hear" you.

If she says anything about 'oh NOW you want this equality??" (or whatever she calls the "new rules" of behavior you'll be putting out there when you demand respect from her)...

You can say "Better late than never"
OR "Yes, doing it NOW - b/c I've had my eyes opened & this is something I really value. THANKS"....

Good luck

[20&lost]

25yearmlc:

I have a question for you. I was doing some soul searching last night. Two year ago my W really tried to get our M headed in the right direction and to get me out of my panic/anxiety funk that I had been going through for years. She started coming into the bedroom where I had holed up to either give me a hug, tell me goodnight and at least once a week to make love to me. She did this for 10 months and until I finally got rid of my panic attacks I didn't realize what she was trying to do. She gave up after 10 months and now we are were we are.

My question to you is should in mu anniversary note to her thanking her for the wonderful kids that she brought into this world should I also thank her for all she tried to do for our M two years ago and let her know that I now know what she was trying to do.

[20&lost]

On another note my D17 is starting to have panic attacks that I am concerned about. She is going to see a specialist this afternoon and I told my W that I was just as concerned about my daughter as she was and that I wanted to be with my D today like she is going to be. My w got mad and said that I would make it all about me like I always do. I told I was going and this isn't about me but about my D. Her view of me is that she thinks that I think everything is about me when in the last year it has been all about her. How do I handle?

[25yearsmlc]

25yearmlc:

I have a question for you. I was doing some soul searching last night. Two year ago my W really tried to get our M headed in the right direction and to get me out of my panic/anxiety funk that I had been going through for years. She started coming into the bedroom where I had holed up to either give me a hug, tell me goodnight and at least once a week to make love to me. She did this for 10 months and until I finally got rid of my panic attacks I didn't realize what she was trying to do. She gave up after 10 months and now we are were we are.

My question to you is should in mu anniversary note to her thanking her for the wonderful kids that she brought into this world should I also thank her for all she tried to do for our M two years ago and let her know that I now know what she was trying to do.

Not in the same note as the anniversary comments. Keep those issues separate.

Still, I'm glad you recall these efforts of hers. (It's no wonder she is angry and resentful. That's a lot of effort to get rejected --and that is how she probably saw your inability to get out of your funk. Like she wasn't enough for you.)

Good luck

[25yearsmlc]

On another note my D17 is starting to have panic attacks that I am concerned about. She is going to see a specialist this afternoon and I told my W that I was just as concerned about my daughter as she was and that I wanted to be with my D today like she is going to be. My w got mad and said that I would make it all about me like I always do. I told I was going and this isn't about me but about my D. Her view of me is that she thinks that I think everything is about me when in the last year it has been all about her. How do I handle?

1) First, find out why your wife says that and OWN it if it is true. Heck, even if she believes it and you don't, apologize for it maybe being true or true TO HER...(meaning, you can use the phrase below)...

When a WAS says something about the past marriage and it's about a flaw of yours that hurt them or embraced/angered them, etc. say

"W, I'm sorry I hurt you. If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently." And then drop it.

IF she says something NOT true or not accurate as far as YOU recall, you can say

"Wow w, that's not how i recall it at all BUT I'm so sorry you were hurt. If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

((^^^ Both replies show CHANGE is possible on your end. NEITHER answer escalates, both answers show you are owning what you did or might have done to hurt them, and that you are sorry for that. AND neither answer makes you into a doormat.))

Probe her for her meaning and stop the guesswork. Find out what she's talking about and then apologize once you get it.

Remind your w that "Despite the past" you are "making changes" and want to be clear that you are "interested in what is best for daughter NOW" and if your wife tries to rein you back into the past (where you get to be wrong again), haul her back into the present.

Say "you made a good point but now I'm focussed on the present b/c daughter needs US BOTH. So let's figure out how to help her NOW..." And change the topic OFF of you and back onto your d...

One reminder...many depressed people are a bit self indulgent , even when they don't mean to be.

I have a dear friend right now, who is a brilliant author and a a celebrity, ^ a tv commentator. He is also VERY depressed and it is so hard to shake off his "Funk". And yes it is self centered as heck.

EXTREMELY hard for his buddies to be around him now. The only reason I still am, is b/c we were once close friends and I can't believe the old "friend I know" is not still in there but geez, Everyone else is sick of him. One mutual friend said she's really worried he'll take his own life "But He drains people of their joy" and she has given up...

So if I were you, I'd probe what your wife means. You may not be aware of how your depression and withdrawal and panic attacks came off - but I suspect they did drain others, esp your wife.

And by draining, I include the feelings of rejection.
Think about it. You are married to someone who is so sad and fearful that YOU are not enough for them to get well!

Very frustrating, and to now to see your own child acting the same way....scary and possibly infuriating. Like "look what you showed our child!"

Be ready for that line and don't deflect. Apologize for any of the possible example she gives you, but then steer the talk BACK to doing right by your daughter. You may have to do this more than once.

While she was trying to parent your children, you were, in effect, acting like one (in terms of how your wife was treated. HER needs of her partner were not met, b/c she was trying to get you out of your funk, to no avail, WHILE also raising the kids, one of whom is now showing signs of the same problem.

That has to be very upsetting for her and sure, she may think you are the last person to "help" with this. But you might be just the right person.

Help your d get help, without shame and do NOT assume you know "just how" she feels.

No teenager believes their parents have any experience that relates to theirs...fyi

again, just ask your w what she means, apologize when needed and steer the talk back to your d.

But don't control the talk. Let your w have her say and ask her for HER Opinion often. Maybe let her guide this. LISTEN as actively as you can. Make eye contact and remain CALM...very calm. (Show her the change you keep talking about making).

See this as an opportunity for that, not something to dread. Make sense?

[20&lost]

Had a good conversation on "all about me" subject. Told her she was correct (I have been this way) and I apologized and told her I am sorry this behavior hurt her. That I would be working on trying to change it.

On another front. Thursday night I went to bed earlier and woke up about midnight. My W was on the phone with someone laughing,etc...I didn't think much of it and headed back to bed and then I heard "I already told you I did that for you" in a very angry/upset tone and then it sounded as if the call ended. Fast forward to Friday night at a HS football game. My D is a cheerleader and my W is the cheer mom. My W goes to every game and is with the cheerleaders. However, last night I noticed that twice she disappeared for over 15 minutes each time. My thoughts are that she had some type of argument with her EA/OM on Thursday and Friday night she disappeared twice to talk with him. I never brought this up to her and have not given it any energy, just observations. I think that a freight train wreck with her is getting ready to happen and need to be prepared.

Friday's Positives:

1. Good conversation in the car on “all about me”
2. Went to HS football game together
3. She made the bed the 1st time in many months. She knows that the bed being made is a something I like. She normally doesn't get up until 11am and for 20 years when I came home from work it was always made. About two months ago she just stopped doing it. I started doing it for a week about a month ago but found when she saw it made it irritated her so I stopped. This is an item on my goal list.
4. On way to FB game she read an email to me that she had send to HS Councilors on behalf of D.
5. Read the response that the counselor sent back

I plan to try and have the conversation about how we treat each other in around our family, in public and around the office next week. I going to find a time that is calm for both of us. Tell her that we BOTH need to work on treating each other better when we are in the above situations and then give her an example of something I have done and something she has done that is improper.

One more thing: The EA person's birthday is coming up in a few weeks. Unfortunately, I know she has gotten him something. This was found out before I read DB and started DBing. How should I handle. Based on the DBing, I think I just leave it alone and act that there is no EA (no energy). I know my W is not going to do anything to upset my D during her senior year in HS and now that D is having panic attacks. Reading the tea leaves, I believe one day all of this is going to come crashing down on W and I want to be prepared and not taken down in the crash. I want to be my W's and my kids rock so when the crash happens they knows where their foundation is.

Thanks and that is all for now.

[20&lost]

Well today is my anniversary. When I was going to bed last night I went to tell my W goodnight and she turned to me and said to please not get her anything for our anniversary. I told had something (A simple card and a couple of pictures of our kids). and that I would leave it for her this morning. Then we had a conversation about our M. She basically said that she felt like she was under my constant eye. Now for the record, this goes back to last year when I suspected that she was having and A and I hired a PI and told her I did after many lies from her about her where abouts. I did not confirm an A but did confirm that she was meeting an OM and according to the PI they were having a EA. And yes even after confronting her she lied and said the he was never home when she went to his house, that she was only going there to let out the his dogs. I have never told her that I know over wise and never will. I was truthful with her last Jan and actually quit all spying except for email right then and there. Since DBing I have stopped everything. During our discussion last night she said that the only way we could get our relationship back on solid ground was to "demolish our house and build the right foundation" to which I said I was willing to that but she said she didn't know if she was. She and I also could not come up of ways to re-start the building process.

We had a talk or rather I did this morning with her and told her that she had every reason to have the felling of being spied and if I was in her shoes I would feel the same. I told her that I was wrong with what I did and that I over-reacted instead of responding and discussing what I was felling at the time. That I apologize and I was sorry that I hurt her. She actually said I know you are not a jealous person and I told her that many things had build up in me over that last few years and I was not thinking rationally. I told her I want her to trust me and I need to create a safe environment for her.

As far as building blocks I told her that I think 1. We have to forgive and trust each other and create a safe environment in our relationship. 2. We need to create a harmonious and safe environment with our kids and that starts by both of us being cordial to one another both at home and in public. This is especially true due to the panic attacks my daughter is experiencing. That we both need to work on this. 3. We need to do more family oriented things that include the kids. I told her I am open to any suggestions but if we let God into our relationship and maybe start with these building blocks, our marriage could be more than either one of us ever dreamed of.

I didn't not get any response from her this morning or from the anniversary card, however I now go into all things with no expectations. I am learning that exceptions create the wrong reactions and that "loving unconditional" means you do not do things with an expected return, you do them because it is right.

I pray I have not taken a backseat in my minor accomplishments over the last few weeks, but things just developed.

One last thing, some times I can't follow her anger. I was invited to meet some of the people I had received my dive certification from last night. When the W got home, I asked her if it was ok to go and asked if she wanted to go. She basically went ballistic and said "you go and just stay as long as you want" that I do not know any of them. I again asked her to join me and she stormed off. When leaving last to go meet them I said I was leaving and in a very angry voice she said "well have fun. I will have dinner at 7:30 if you think you can make it back home by then.". I am confused, she avoids me when I'm home and then goes ballistic when I go do something.