6 Months Down the Line

[LisaB]

Hi vossy,
I agree with Ss.

In my situation all the guys especially have been telling me to go NC. And I struggled with it so much. Like you, my WAH and I don't have kids. We really have very little reason to stay in contact. And that scares me too. Like if I do NC then maybe we will never talk again.

And I also completely agree with what you said about feeling it is rude not to reply. If you read my thread you'll see I say a lot of the same things as you.

However, I was able to pull off NC for a short while and I think it bothered my H. And it gave me a little feeling of control too.

I told myself I wasn't going to contact him or reply for X number of days or until X date and then I did it. No matter what he said or did I just didn't reply. I told myself, hey, I have a busy fun life and I don't have time to respond. But if I want I can respond later, after X date.

Your communications with your BF are a bit more spread out than mine, but maybe you can set a date as well. Like his bday. Just tell yourself you are busy until then and don't have time to reply to his email. Take the control. And allow yourself to send him a simple happy birthday email if you want to!

However, here is an idea. He would expect you to say happy birthday, right? So why not throw a wrench in his expectations and NOT send him anything. He may wonder why you don't seem to care. Have you moved on and forgotten HE exists?

The guys on my thread tell me over and over that he must think you have moved on in order to wake up. I think their advice is good.

In any case, good luck with the freelance work and your own business. Keep on getting out there and GAL-ing. And come here to vent, that is why we are all here. We get it!

Oh and PS: I know it feels like if you don't reply to him and go NC that you will never speak to him again. But how is that possible? You can always contact him in the future, any time you want!

Hugs, LisaB

[pilot]

vossy, I cannot recall your entire situation, but focusing on the communication issue at hand, I would say definitely NC. It is not rude, and he will not see it that way. He will see it as you having had enough, not 'oh wow, why is she being rude to me?' I would not even send him anything for his bday, or at least as of today, not be planning it. Why build his bday up in your mind today and spend the next 8 weeks dwelling on it? Not a good recipe for detaching. If you happen to remember his bday, and feel like it, yea, a simple text or email 'happy bday' and that is it.

Unfortunately when you are NC and have no reason (like kids) to force contact, you worry about never having contact again. I get it. But never say never because as Lisa said, you can always contact him in the future. However, your real fear I believe is NC not working at saving your relationship. Well, I will tell you that NC will NOT save your R by itself. NC is the first step. What NC does is it allows your WAS to understand what life is like without you. Believe me, you are not the only one thinking about the long history you have had. He will be thinking of it as well. He will have doubts. Like this wedding he is going to. Even the hardest heart will have memories of their own wedding when attending one. He may even get mushy/emotional and reach out. And I would reject it. A fleeting emotion is not enough to begin to rebuild a relationship. Let him stew in the emotions alone. Let him go through the emotions of the memories you two had. Because at that moment, he will be thinking of the positives. Jumping in yourself 'may' provide him the temporary emotional support he is looking for, but it also 'may' introduce negative feelings/memories. I wish I could explain what I am trying to say a little better.

I am sorry I cannot recall your entire situation or maybe I would be able to offer a little more.

Best of luck to you!

[Maybell]

Vossy, I have several friends who had first marriages with no kids (kids came with the second marriage). Every one of them said that moving out was the hardest thing they've ever done. Most of them are still in touch with the ex, even happily married and with kids in the current marriage. The ones who aren't were basically rescued from abusive relationships, which clearly isn't the case here. When they talk about their exes it is clear there is a place in their hearts reserved for those people -- and without exception they are the ones who walked away, not the ex.

My point is... Kids are an excuse to be in contact, not a reason. When my H and I interact only about the kids, it feels like no contact because it's just a business exchange. Your ex has reason to contact you, even without kids and without finances. That reason is you. A long relationship leaves a mark, no matter what.

I don't know what you should do about NC and the wedding. I can barely navigate my own situation. but if you think it's the right choice for you and the only thing stopping you is fear, that fear may not have as much substance as you think.

Whatever you decide to do, do it with confidence.

[Georgiabelle]

Vossy,

Congratulations on the new freelance gig! That's so exciting. And good for you for remembering to treat yourself to something special like a pedicure. You can enjoy a nice walk on the beach and admire the cute toes.

I just read the last 3 pages of your sitch and you've received no advice. It seems to me that you think by going n/c your x won't contact you. Every person thinks that. Will he/she think I don't love them anymore? How can I do that to *them*? I love him/her. Think about that. Really think about that. It doesn't work that way. I think you are afraid he's going to think you are mad at him. Your x knows you love and him and did not want the R to end. He knows exactly where you are and how to reach you. But what if he's too prideful? Then that is on him. And says a great deal about his character. He could be emailing you to a) stay in contact b) ease his guilt c) both.

I know you mentioned people make it sound like your sitch is hopeless. I don't believe that to be the case at all. I don't say this to be harsh and everyone can crack out a 2x4 with a vengeance with what I'm about to say. The reality is at BD your R as you know it is DONE. Whether it's a WAS, MLC, etcetera. It's over as you know many people (and understandably so) clutch on to "we were together 8, 10, 15, 25 years. How can this be it?" The reality is that you can rebuild your r. Doesn't mean it can't happen. You can always have hope. That's perfectly fine. However, just from my perspective, you appear to be holding on a bit tightly. Occasionally, things happen and there doesn't appear to be a legitimate explanation. Sometimes those answers come with time.

So respond to the emails if you want in your own time. I think NC may be good for you now.

Sounds like some exciting things in your life:-) keep it up!

[vossy]

Okay, you got me. All of you. I'll do it

You're right, that's a risk but you're worth that risk. Right now you're a crutch and that's all. You deserve more than that. SO MUCH MORE!

I appreciate your cheerleading, I really do, and I believe you. I am worth it. Unfortunately, I'm not willing to accept 100% of this risk. I won't be able to let it end right here.. but I am going to go NC until this bday and see what happens. Why not, right? What have I got to lose?

During this NC period (are you committing?) perhaps you can formulate an email in your head that is brief and direct that basically says, "it's been real and it's been fun but I'm looking for love and I deserve that".

I don't think I could send an email like that.

I told myself I wasn't going to contact him or reply for X number of days or until X date and then I did it. No matter what he said or did I just didn't reply. I told myself, hey, I have a busy fun life and I don't have time to respond. But if I want I can respond later, after X date.

We do have a lot in common, LisaB. I'll be watching your thread with an eagle eye! Unfortunately, I feel like my H is a bit of a mope, and will probably be like "Well, I made my bed, I guess she doesn't want to talk to me ever again." I don't see it bothering him in a positive way.

In fact, he once said as much. Back in March (or so) I said "What would happen if I said I can't do this chatty thing anymore and said we can never talk again?" and he said "Well, I would be upset but I guess I would understand that it was my actions that forced that."

Who knows what I am supposed to make of that.

However, here is an idea. He would expect you to say happy birthday, right? So why not throw a wrench in his expectations and NOT send him anything. He may wonder why you don't seem to care. Have you moved on and forgotten HE exists?

I definitely don't think I could just not email, as much as I would like to, I would feel too much guilt. Especially since (a) we had a big fight back in 2006 when he basically ignored my bday and (b) he did make an effort this year to email me on my bday.

But what I *could* do is wait until the last minute on his bday (i.e. 11.50pm) to send the email. In his bday email to me, he made it clear he wanted me to have it when I woke up that day..

That's probably the best I could do!

I know it feels like if you don't reply to him and go NC that you will never speak to him again. But how is that possible? You can always contact him in the future, any time you want!

This is so true and so obvious, yet I didn't think of it! Thank you! This is probably the only way I'll be able to get through NC.

Why build his bday up in your mind today and spend the next 8 weeks dwelling on it? Not a good recipe for detaching.

Don't worry, I'm not someone who spends a lot of time dwelling. If this is my plan, I'll put it in action and that'll be that. I'll just get back to working on other things and probably, happily, not think much about it until the bday.

Even the hardest heart will have memories of their own wedding when attending one. He may even get mushy/emotional and reach out.

We weren't married. We probably would have been, but I didn't want to. Not because of anything to do with him, but I just don't care about marriage.. we always said we were "as good as" married though. Apparently not Ha.

I wish I could explain what I am trying to say a little better.

I got you.

Whatever you decide to do, do it with confidence.

Eek!

The reality is that you can rebuild your r. Doesn't mean it can't happen. You can always have hope. That's perfectly fine. However, just from my perspective, you appear to be holding on a bit tightly. Occasionally, things happen and there doesn't appear to be a legitimate explanation. Sometimes those answers come with time.

You are right that what I am struggling most with is answers, etc. In terms of the day to day, I don't need him. I haven't cried (about him) since May. I don't need him to change a lightbulb etc. I'm quite okay alone. But, I am a very logical person, so it is hard for me to not be able to put 1 and 1 together and get 2. Sometimes I think it would be easier if there was a PA (and I mean no offence to the people who have had to deal with PAs) because at least then I would understand it all.

I don't struggle with him not being here as much as it seems. In fact, I feel very happy, in many ways. My life is the best it's been in a long time.. I am really enjoying it. It just makes me sad because this is the exact life "we" talked about for years.. and here I am enjoying it.. and he doesn't want to be a part of it. Meanwhile, the life we talked about leaving behind? He's still living it. That makes me sad for him.. he's struggling and doesn't realise it.

Absolutely, I see with clear eyes that NC is the right move for right now.. I know I can make it to his bday. Beyond that, I'll figure it out when the time comes.

I really appreciate you all for chiming in, though. It's helpful to get feedback from people who have lived it. My parents try hard, but my mum talks from the perspective of a one-time WAS and my dad doesn't talk at ALL, despite the fact he was a one-time LBS and could really help me

[vossy]

Well, it's been 7 weeks since he wrote, which makes it about 10 weeks since he's heard from me... so that's about two months of NC, around about.

In terms of the relationship, NC has done nada one way or the other. I haven't heard from him and don't expect to. During the early months after BD, he made it a point to explain that he stopped saying "I love you" because it wasn't fair and he made it a point to explain that he takes his time to write back to me because he doesn't want to give me the wrong impression. So I imagine this is similar. Even if he IS feeling anything because of this NC period, he's probably not going to reach out to me, because that would give me the wrong impression.

So as it stands, I imagine I will have to contact him if I ever want to hear from him again.

In terms of doing NC, it hasn't been hard at all. It's not like it's a huge shift, anyway. It's more just me taking control, rather than not.

I've been GAL-ing along the same lines as before. I had a fun day out with a friend a few weeks ago (you may remember I only know one person in this city). I told her about the end of my R that same day, but stressed that I didn't want to talk about it. I've told my entire extended family too now, and other friends by email. (I know it seems strange that I've only just told everyone, but that was because of a separate issue that I can't get into here). So, now everyone knows.

I don't know how I feel at this point about anything. I do still love him very much, but it's hard to say I'm in love when I've really spend no time with him in a VERY long time.. you could almost say I've dropped the rope in a sense, since there is no contact at all. I am basically taking it all day by day. I can't do anything about our R at this point.. so it will have to come from him if it is ever going to change. So when I start to think about it, I just tell myself I need to just keep doing what I'm doing and if that day comes, it comes.

None of this really makes sense, reading back.

[Maybell]

How does it not make sense?

[vossy]

I just feel like I'm rambling.. my thoughts in my head are confused still, so I can't imagine how it comes across on screen.

It doesn't feel like NC has changed anything. I don't regret it, but it hasn't changed anything. I don't feel better or worse. It hasn't been easy or hard. It hasn't brought us closer or (seemingly) pushed us further apart. I am fine; for the most part, I'm happy. I don't know how he is. I don't even know what he looks like anymore.. I haven't even seen his face since May. It's almost just surreal.

I don't know how you spend every waking minute knowing someone for 10.5 years.. and then suddenly, zilch. I don't know how it's possible that it could go from being "normal" to me not even knowing what he looks like.

[KGirl]

What you said makes sense to me. My H also said he didn't want to talk to me, or sit by me at the kitchen table, or whatever, so that I wouldn't "get my hopes up." I agree that it's hard to feel love towards someone that you don't talk with or see. I was just thinking that in the car today, actually - it's hard for me to feel like I even like him, much less love him. I really don't know anything about what he's doing or what he's experienced these past months. It does kinda feel like he's a stranger now. I think Maybell (?) had posted somewhere about really needing to rebuild from the ground up and not being able to pick up where we left off if we ever do R, which I can so see - how could you pick up when so much time and missed experiences have passed? I don't know that NC has changed much about the situation for me either in terms of drawing H closer or pushing him away. But I do know that the distance has helped so that he's on my mind not quite so constantly, so I still consider that a positive.

I was also just thinking yesterday that I was having trouble picturing H's face in my mind, unless I look at pictures! I've seen him twice since early June, for no more than 5 min. each time. I guess that should also be considered a positive because based on the pics I've seen via f-book, he's not much to look at lately We were together for 10 years and I hear how it is so strange to be so close to someone..and then nothing.

[vossy]

KGirl, I think you and I actually have one of the more similar situations, so it's nice to hear about someone else feeling the same things.

It does make it a LOT easier, so thank you

My ex's parents have been separated since 1999. At some point around 2006/2007 they briefly tried to reconcile. Now, that is seemingly off the table, as his father has been living with someone else since 2008. I don't believe his mother wants a reconciliation, even if it was a possibility, but she also hasn't moved on in any way. They still do their taxes together, since they're technically still married. So my ex doesn't exactly have a great example to go by when it comes to figuring **** out.

Me, on the other hand.. my mother was a WAS and they R after 6 months and are still happily together many, many years later, so I DO have a great example.

You just can't make this stuff up!