Need advice please 2

[rd500]

Hi all. Things going ok here. W about every day to see kids and she is contacting me a lot re different things. I respond politely and do not draw out the conversation The more I pull away the more she SEEMS to come forward. It seems strange to not continue the conversation but DB and DR ! Kids very down. We play games most nights and watch films but they seem to be getting sadder. I suppose it's two weeks since W left and reality is setting in Hard to handle sadness sometimes but life goes on. Rant over

[MrBond]

"The more I pull away the more she SEEMS to come forward."

I thought you said you read DB. This is what's supposed to happen.

"It seems strange to not continue the conversation but DB and DR !"

What do you mean by this? BTW, those aren't "sandi's" rules. They are outlined in the books.

[rd500]

Hi MrBond. Thanks for posting. Yes I know that's what is supposed to happen I just don't want to get any false hope.

I mean I am tempted to continue the conversations but as per the books I am not. I do see the reasoning behind it but it still worries me that I maybe pushing her away.

The books have shown me a path which I am following strictly and I do see W doing double takes at the new me I will continue to DB as I believe it is the best chance I have but doubts do creep in. I will stress that I am in a much better ace than when I first posted and life is getting back to somewhere normal. Sleep is easier eating well. Exercising and time spent with kids is something I should have always done but is fantastic. Thanks again for your post.

[MrBond]

"I mean I am tempted to continue the conversations but as per the books I am not. "

What are you talking about? You're not supposed to call them endlessly in the beginning, but then eventually when they start turning towards you, you start increasing the interactions. What were you thinking? That you would just keep never talking to her forever?

[rd500]

Thanks MrBond I am obviously not doing the right thing. My understanding was not to call or contact. There is no contact from me at all

I understood not to prolong conversations when there was nothing more to say

I have done this every time and always chat with a positive attitude, I do however finish every call and I do not try to keep her talking

I understood that she was to stand on her own two feet and reach rock bottom if indeed that is where she is heading

I did falter here once as she said she had no money for food and I handed over 100 euro but to see a friend for 25 years crying in front of me saying they had no food was too tough to ignore

MrBond. I have PMA always when around her and mostly even when she's not there. I have made huge 180s that are now part of my life and have benefitted me and my kids. I have made small steps in GAL as I work 6 days a week and now have 4 children and a house to clean and care for once I finish work.


I value your comments along with everyone else but it seems the balance is what I am lacking

Thanks for posting

[MrBond]

"I understood not to prolong conversations when there was nothing more to say"

You do this in the beginning because usually the WAS is filled with anger snd confusion.

"I have done this every time and always chat with a positive attitude, I do however finish every call and I do not try to keep her talking"

Again, this is something you do just in the beginning. Then when you see her warming up to you, you can extend that conversation a little longer each time. DB is doing what works. What were your goals that you wrote down? If one was to have a conversation with her that lasted longer than 5 minutes and didn't have anything to do with the kids, then you've succeeded. That's why you need goals.

"I understood that she was to stand on her own two feet and reach rock bottom if indeed that is where she is heading "

Not true.

[rd500]

Hi mBond could you elaborate on the last point not being true please

[MrBond]

She doesn't have to hit "rock bottom" in order for things to turn around in your M.

[GoatGal]

I have to jump in here because I had the same impression that rd500 had.

That we are always the ones to end first, leave first, not seem over-eager.
I didn't understand that this should be changed over time.

Which is why things backfired on me quite a bit. When H was starting to warm up, I was basically shutting him down, thinking I was DBing.

I tend to take things very literally, and that was my interpretation.
I have since figured out that this is not the way to do it, but I definitely wasn't clear on that until recently.

I guess I just thought that if I kept making myself scarce, that it would help me detach, and that eventually, if he was ever going to, H would start to pursue me.

That hasn't happened yet, not even close. But things have improved with my opening up more and more as he moves closer.

What can I say? I'm a little socially dense. But I'm working on that.

--(G)GGG

[rd500]

Thank you