Continuing DBing after the affair

[Jefe]

Don't move out. She wants out, let her go. Stand your ground on this one.

[Wonka]

Peter,

Hmmmm...I find her comment about her computer in the office intresting. Makes one wonder what she's been up to at RH. Yep, stay firm on your stance of not moving out of the house. If W has a problem, then she needs figure out her chit.

[PeterV2]

Well, Wonka (thanks for checking in by the way) I think that it's more of a case of defining her independence. I spend an awful lot of time with her at the RH. I can see all her emails as they're on my server. But it does make me wonder if there are things she's hiding from me. I do have some trust issues with her.
But tonight when she came back to the RH I was working the afternoon shift, serving dinner and doing meds and she came and kissed me hello. She had a great evening out with her girlfriends and spent the day shopping. We had some dinner together and a couple of glasses of wine. Then she got to work on her employee files and then said good bye to me. But first she asked me when hockey was this week. I told her I'm not playing anymore, but she said I should - to expand my circle of male friends. She thinks it's good for me.
Funny, she complains I have time to play hockey but she has to work all the time. Then when I take over and she gets a day off she encourages me to continue the hockey.
To be quite honest, I don't really think the guys I play hockey with are guys I would choose to hang around. But I guess I could try to connect with some of them. You never know. I know a couple work at the local university where I'm a student (yeah at my age). Haven't taken a course in almost a year. I should get back to school. Just that W will see it as a selfish act.
She's a tough read. And I know her best.
She's a puzzle wrapped up in a mystery embedded in an enigma.

[PeterV2]

I told her last night that I don't want to move out. That we see each other for hours everyday anyway. She still says she needs her own space to clear her head. I said I understood and left it at that.
Then we got into the money issues. I presented the amount I invested in her business over the past 2 years. She wants proof so I have to pull all the invoices & bills & transfer docs. It's really our business, the RH, but we put the corp in her name so she would feel proud ownership. And for tax reasons. But I think she forgets that my business put up the downpayment.
The money issues are going to be a challenge. She feels that I've taken over all the accounting and have not shared it with her, but every time I tried to explain it to her, her eyes seems to glaze over and she complained I made it all too complicated. So I told her we'll have to sit down with the accountant when she has our year ends and go over everything in detail. I know I'll be paying the accountant hourly, but worth it if it gives my W peace of mind that I have our finances in my best interest.

[Starsky309]

Peter,

Hmmmm...I find her comment about her computer in the office intresting. Makes one wonder what she's been up to at RH. Yep, stay firm on your stance of not moving out of the house. If W has a problem, then she needs figure out her chit.

Ditto.


Starsky

[PeterV2]

Funny, tonight we were in the kitchen at the RH with one of our employees who made a comment about the body language between W & I. I asked her what she saw and she said she saw two people completely in love with each other who would do anything for each other, and how beautiful that was to see.
W didn't comment. I thanked her for her observation & then I left to go home (get out on a high note).
It's great to have an outside perspective, especially since this is a brand new employee and has no back story whatsoever. I didn't have to say anything. I hope that gives my W food for thought. Maybe help clear the fog a bit.

[PeterV2]

I'm having a rough time dealing with an angry W. I've been at the RH almost every night for the past couple of weeks while she's out with friends. I need to be there to relieve the staff at 8:30 pm and just get settled into her room and she shows up by 9:30 or so give or take a half hour. Then we talk and have a glass of wine.

Problem is if we start talking about our R things go downhill rapidly. I'm to blame for everything. And she's angry at me because it's all my fault. I can validate her feelings without agreeing with her. But that's a delicate balance for me to effectively express.

She doesn't trust me with our money. So I need to go over everything in detail. She wants to hire someone to go over everything on her behalf. I said fine. I have nothing to hide.
She's upset that I want my business to be paid back for all the money it's invested in her business. Doesn't seem rational. But I get I shouldn't expect rational thinking. Wouldn't tell her that though, because in her mind I'm the crazy one and she's logical and rational.

After we sell the RH she is planning on going away for a few months - dropping off the grid, so to speak. I agreed she needs to do that. Hopefully it helps her. Painful for me, but I'm no stranger to pain at this point. I'll survive.

[Devaste]

Hey Peter,

It looks like your W and my W are currently living on the same resentment and anger planet. In my case, it consumes and I'm sure as you noted your W saying, exhausts her.

I agree with recognizing and validating some of the sources of the anger. I made many mistakes and wasn't as good a listener as I should have been during my M. I have acknowledged my mistakes and taken responsibility for them. Unfortunately it's a one way street in my R.

I think our W's are similar in that they are having difficulty to move forward. The pain that they feel is real and as you point out, there is no need to argue feelings.

I would think in your stitch, completely avoiding R talk would be best. I wonder if your W has any concerns about losing you? Watching from afar, it seems like your consistently present, and you've done so much work, apology letters, agreeing to MC, reading books, and generally working on yourself on a continual basis. I just wonder if your W feels like you will always be waiting? I'm not sure, and I know you mentioned you were close to packing it in. Maybe a bit more patience and a bit less Peter? Just a thought.

In my stitch, my W thinks she will be happier and all her problems will go if I'm gone. She may indeed be correct, but if she doesn't work on herself, it's hard to succeed. Is your wife doing IC? Or are you just doing the MC?

Not meant as a 2x4 Peter at all, just been reflecting a lot.

Cheers

Dev

[PeterV2]

My W went to our MC yesterday by herself. I went today. The situation is this: My W apparently thinks I had or have an ongoing internet relationship with someone or something like that and she wants me to confess to it. I have no idea what she's talking about and she won't tell me. our MC said that she is so angry about it she can think of nothing else. And if it's true then the M is over.

Problem is I've asked her what she's accusing me of and she won't tell me because she wants me to be honest and admit to it. I have no choice but to ask her to tell me what I'm being accused of so I can at least understand where she's coming from.
I truly have no idea what she's talking about and it's consuming her.

I've asked her before and she refused to say - only saying "you know and I want to hear it from you". Bit of a standoff if you ask me. And although I see it as extremely unreasonable, she sees it as very reasonable and important that I "get real" and fess up. I just wish I knew what she was talking about.

[Starsky309]

How odd.