Vossy, you are sent to me straight from the heavens because I needed to hear everything you (and everyone else) has said tonight. I took a screen shot of your last post because I'm going to need to read it every hour.
Focus on what I can do. What I AM doing. I need to tattoo that to the end of my nose.
I hate that I keep losing my way so easily these days. I'll fix that eventually. Just add it to the list. Right now I'm looking for where I last had my BGP.
I watched the Jimmy Fallon and Bradley Cooper video and laughed. I needed that. As I was watching it I got a text from H:
H: Is there anything you wanted to say, I can come by now. Or before 9. Just wanted to give you the option incase you felt there was something left. Me: have you eaten dinner? H: not yet. Me: I'm starved. you? H: sure Me: I have no make up on. In n out or similar. H: sure, I'll come by.
Not reading into it just eating. Not talking about R. I'll suggest the jimmy Fallon video.
It's odd that we just had a R talk and now we are eating together.
I truly believe that if you remain positive, you CAN turn things around, one way or another. Send positive vibes out, they come back. It's already working for ya!
BTW, your posts often make me laugh out loud (e.g. tattooing it to the end of your nose) so you have that going for you tonight. Keep it up.
I'm really hitting bottom and I don't know how to get up. I just don't. I can talk buzz words like hope and making myself a better person and he'd be a fool to leave and all that but NONE of that gets me off the floor sobbing.
How? How do I turn this around? How?
Ok Ss,
You don't know me - but I want you to envision me telling you this in person - I'm 5'10 with a steely gaze and my friends always tell me how they were initmadated by me when they first knew me.
Ok....stop worrying about turning "this" around. Just worry about turning yourself around....right now.
Who is this Ss writing this tonight? She's not the Ss I have come to know through her posts.
The Ss I know overcame a tragic childhood. The Ss I know survived PPD. She has raised an awesome daughter. She marched out and got a job (yeah I know its not what you were hoping for, but its a job). You're the one who has been on this forum dishing out support to others routinely and with great humor and insight.
I've known people who have had the bomb dropped on them - and a lot of them curl up in fetal position and cry into their latte/alcohol for months or years. Did you do that? No. You got up, dusted yourself off and reached out for a constructive way to aproach the problem. Do you know how rare that is?
Look - your H is going through something - he is spewing all kinds of c***. He's not going to come out of it soon. You need to stop letting him hurt you. You're doing the work - he's not (no matter how many trips he takes to see the leaves turn). I know you made mistakes, but he needs to grow up. Embrace the possiblity of life post-H. You will still be awesome. You will protect your daughter. Your daughter will be awesome. You will find much in life that is sweet and joyful. And if your H grows up, your partnership will be all the stronger.
Ss - stand up right now, beat your chest ala Tarzan and shout "I am Ss, hear me f****** roar"! (I'm not profane in real life - but sometimes the words just fit)
You deserve better than this Ss, and right now - you're the one who needs to treat yourself better.
Raliced, I had no idea you are so tall! I'm 5'2" so I'd have to look WAY up to see your steely gaze but I heard you loud and clear.
I did have things more together earlier on in the process. I'm not sure what has taken me off that path. I know who I am and what I stand for but I don't really know how all that fits in the world without my family complete, you know. I know I can stand in my own but I don't want to and it's THAT that's holding me back. I've stood on my own from a young age and I'm done with that. I'm tired of standing on my own, only able to rely on myself. I guess I'm fighting that but I need to stop and be more accepting. I'm not great at acceptance. I want to be though.
I need to treat myself better. Yes. More than facials and manicures. I need to reframe my thinking. Stop wallowing or allowing myself to go there. I need to vacuum more when I start to wallow... At least then my house would be cleaner, right?
I am doing the work, you're right. And no matter how many trips to Santa Barbara for wine tasting or NY to see the leaves change, he has to do the work. He has to see his role. He has to own his part. He has to find his own hope.
I just don't believe in him enough that he will do that work and THAT'S what hurts. Will he do the hard work or take the easy road? I hate that I already know the answer.
So, outside of manicures and facials, how do I treat myself better? I need details, specifics.
You say you don't believe in him, but isn't he already changing? He's doing more for your daughter than ever before, so he does have the capacity to make positive changes. And truthfully, I don't think he's as okay as he acts about all this. He makes a pretty obvious effort to hang out with you.
I think what's going on is that deep down the reason you were okay in the beginning and you're finding it tough now is because you thought it would be done by now, or that you'd be back on track. And so the fact that your H is still talking the talk and walking the walk is a little shocking for you. That doesn't mean the outcome has changed, it just means you need to stop putting a timeline on the result you want.
I'm going to say sorry upfront for the spelling. I'm typing this on the phone and I'm terrible at it.
I think you need to treat yourself better by doing a lot more GAL.
You seem like you are mentally exhausting yourself thinking of the situation constantly. And of course that's going to affect your mood.
Exhaust yourself mentally doing something else. Was there a subject in school you wanted to learn more about? Take some classes. Write a book for a civilians about how to take better pictures and publish it on Kindle.
I'm suggesting something that will make you stretch, and will take up more space in your head. From reading your posts, I just feel like you need a break from thinking about this 24/7- you just sound worn out.
And frankly, I would consider no more R talks with H for a while, even if he wants to initiate them.
You're right, I did have expectations that we'd be closer to reconciliation than we are.
He does make an effort to hang out. It's usually under the guise of something else (oh I had to stop by to pick up D's karate bag, etc) but even tonight, after a painful R talk that ended poorly, he still texted to see if I wanted to talk more. It's confusing but not negative, right.
He is still walking the walk and talking the talk even firmer than before but his actions are different. It's confusing.
He has been making changes. He's great with D. He's much more involved with her in all areas. I even heard him say today that he thinks I'm a great mom. Haven't heard that from him in years. Years.
Timelines. I've always needed them. I've always needed to know when something might end. No end in sight or even the hope of a good ending... It's unbearable. Or at least seemingly so.
Ss, just wanted to check in. You're in good hands and I'll leave you with them. But I was here and I still am holding on to the belief that you will be more than fine, you'll be amazing. Hang in there. Hug. Hug Hug Hug Hug.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Officiating is definitely a great GAL activity! My daughter, while a great swimmer (a natural flyer and mid-distance/sprinter like her momma), is very involved in karate right now. It's good because I think I've spent enough of my life's weekends at meets. These days a lot of my weekends are spent shooting (photos) or spending time with her. I will absolutely keep it in mind though. What a great idea!
So were you a swimmer, too? I guess most officials are.
