Continuing DBing after the affair

[PeterV2]

Thanks for the perspective MrBond.

[PeterV2]

A couple of things I told her during our MC session:

1. I don't need you. I'd be fine by myself. But I want you.

2. I think when we sell the RH it would be a good idea to get your own apartment so you can have some solitary time to yourself to recuperate and find yourself again.

I was trying to keep the pressure off. She told me before the session she doesn't want to feel forced into making any decisions, so I did the 180 and told her those 2 things.

Too bad I opened my mouth about the online women. I don't think she appreciated that. But it's her problem, not mine. I was blamed for everything that went wrong in our marriage. She keeps dredging up the past, over and over, relentlessly. And I'm getting tire of it. Beats me down emotionally. But I persist. I don my spew jacket and carry on.

Once we sell the business she'll be free with a pocket full of change and can take 2 months off to get her head screwed on straight. How she comes out of that sabbatical remains to be seen.

I'll just have to keep up with the DBing and detachment. I'm getting better at the detachment, so much so that I don't even want her moving back home, until (and unless) she has fallen in love with me again. I don't want a W in the house who isn't in love with me. Too close for comfort and non-productive. More chances for negative interactions. I'll just wait and bide my time.

It took the marriage 5 years to fall apart. With work I can only guess it'll take 2-3 years to stitch it back together.

Patience - zen-like patience. And if it doesn't happen, at least I'm a better man at the end of it all. Keeping on the self-improvement path. PMA & GAL.

[Sotto]

It seems reasonable to be held to account about your actions when you are a married man and looking to reconcile. But these actions took place in a small window of time when you thought you were a 'single' man and that's different I feel.

That said, your W clearly has some concerns about things. I wonder whether it would help to explain to her what your motivations were at that point, what you were seeking and why.

Being desperate to get laid may not cut it - but what were you seeking emotionally at that point? It sounds as though you had hoped your W might spend New Years Eve with you and chose not to. Did you think 'New Year, new start?' Or were you seeking some reassurance of your attractiveness, or just wanted to let off some steam?

I can see it is pretty frustrating that your W has concerns, given her own infidelity - but in the spirit of honest communication, if you could help her understand what was really going on for you at that point, might that help?

I can see that at that point, you may have been facing 'the end' with no idea that your W would return just a few days later - and perhaps she might understand better if she knew how that felt?

Anyway - just a thought...hope this helps..

[PeterV2]

Hiya toots.

I've explained myself several times. On New Years Eve when she chose to be with OM (which she says I have no proof of) I decided my marriage was over. I spent the next 3 days calculating the division of assets, writing the separation agreement and booking an appointment with a divorce lawyer. And I joined up to a couple of adult on line dating sites just to see what was out there. (Frankly I was disappointed with the calibre of women on those sites). When my W came back to the house the following weekend to tell me maybe we could work it out and that she was going NC with OM, I cancelled my D lawyer appt, cancelled my online dating site subscriptions and filed all the paperwork in my archives.
I think it was 1-2 weeks later that she was calling the OM again(phone records) but I didn't know that until mid March when I happened to be going through the phone bills.

Yes, I consider New Years Eve a very important date. A time to set goals and make resolutions for the coming year. I always spent it with my W and gave her the first kiss of the year. Thinking she was giving the OM that kiss drove me over the edge.

The more I explain myself about that week the angrier she gets. So I've decided to STFU. If she asks about it again I'll tell her there's nothing to talk about - that was the past - let move on.

We spent a lot of time together today. I cooked a great steak dinner and had the family over. W helped a little in the kitchen. When she said goodbye tonight she hugged me and kissed me and asked me to text her when I got home. So maybe she has come to some sort of peace about that incident. I definitely won't be bringing it up again.

Still have to work on validating her feelings when she dredges up the past, with replies like, "Wow, that must have made you feel inferior and not wanted..." I know that's how she felt, although that was never my intention - that was just her perception, and perception is everything. I have to stop explaining and defending myself - that's what she expects and that's what continues the cheeseless tunnel syndrome. I need to do the 180 and not argue my motives and just validate her so she feels heard.

[PeterV2]

Well, looks like we sold the RH. Five more weeks.
W says end of an era. Not sure if she means running the RH or our marriage. I didn't want to ask as that would be pressuring.

She asked what I thought our chances of saving our marriage were. I told her 90 to 95%. I didn't ask her opinion (no pressure). But if I was mind reading it would be less than my estimate. Now she's saying she checked out of our marriage after the first year. Keeps rewriting history. Claims it as fact.
She says I'm just self-absorbed and selfish and shouldn't be in a relationship. She says she gave me her all and I didn't reciprocate. It's hard to don my spew jacket when I feel so demoralized. She thinks that I think I'm superior to everyone. I tell her I feel like a failure sometimes.
She says I'll never change. That she cannot see growing old with me - that she won't be taken care of.
Sad state of affairs. Yeah, I'm getting demoralized. Gotta fight to keep up the PMA. I can't show her my mood. Not attractive.

[Starsky309]

Peter,

Wow, that must've all been hard to hear, even at this stage. Her feelings are her feelings, and you can't change them of course but you DON'T have to allow yourself to be DEFINED by them. Yes, TO HER . . . at THIS STAGE (and probably not always, as she's said -- she's "re-writing marital history," and it's entirely SCRIPT as you now know) . . . it's "who you are."

But it is NOT who you REALLY are. I have never gotten the "superior to everyone" vibe from you on here, and I think you're a good and honorable man who's done his best to try to fight for his family here, and you're still fighting. I respect that. Try to remember there are appr. 3.5 billion other women on the planet who will see the good you have to offer.

Starsky

[Jefe]

I sorry, Peter. No matter what frame of mind she's in, it still stings a little to hear.

I find you assertive, not superior. There's a difference.

[PeterV2]

Thanks for your words of encouragement Starsky & Jefe. Your support is truly heartfelt.
Tonight I spent the evening with my W working at the RH. I was upbeat and she reflected that. She even danced a little. We got a lot of work done and after I left and got home she texted me saying how much she appreciated my help and how much better she feels. And she blew me a kiss good night.

Man from one day to the next it's like Jekyll and Hyde.

At least I try to remain consistent.

I told her I'm going to drop out of hockey so I can spend the time with her. She told me not to because she may have other stuff going on and then I'll be sitting alone at home. But I think she appreciated the gesture. She's talking as if she's planning on moving back home.

I've told her she should get her own apartment once we sell the RH. So she can have space to breathe and find herself. But I think she's shying away from that. Funny - I give her the freedom - tell her to move away, and she starts talking about coming home. This 180 stuff is amazing.

I must keep up with the "no pressure" mentality. It seems to be working and I think is the only way. And I'm really detaching. I try not to let her occasional spewing deter me, although I must admit yesterday did get under my skin. Thanks for extracting me from that funk, Starsky & Jefe.

[Jefe]

The Jekyll and Hyde stuff drives me bonkers. Keep up with the no pressure and try not to get your hopes and expectations up to far.

[PeterV2]

We were talking about where she'll live after we sell the RH. I suggested an apartment close by. She suggested she move home and I get an apartment. My initial reaction was, "ok, whatever helps you find yourself and get some peace". But then I thought about it some more and I don't really want to move out of my house.

I somehow don't trust her, thinking she's up to something, but that could just be my imagination running wild. Even if I move out for a while I'll still be coming everyday to my house because that where my business office is. And if she decides to D then that doesn't really change the financial facts.

I'd rather she just move back home - even if she takes the spare bedroom to get her space. We see each other every day as it stands now. What difference would it make if I were sleeping somewhere else? She just wouldn't hear me snoring.

She went out last night and spent the night with her girlfriends. I believe her - at least 90% anyway. Always have that nagging doubt.
I stayed at the RH. She asked me to do some work on her business but to bring my laptop. I asked why I can't just use her computer in her office and she refused. I asked her what she's hiding. She said nothing, you can see my emails anyway. Still makes me a little suspicious. Yeah, I know I have a trust issue with her. Do you blame me?