you have done a lot of good internal work, and that takes guts. And without courage, this journey won't end well.
With courage, it has to. Because regardless of what happens to your marriage, this self examination was mandatory and I think you know this enough for me not to belabor the point.
Just don't forget how you got here and begin a self pity party. That's probably the most likely "bad course" of action you could choose.
If you avoid that - and stay on the road to growth, which requires more discipline than you've had in a long long time, you really will become a much better man. And I think we both know that you will feel more content then.
When your wife brings up the past but then says she doesn't want to talk about it and then does it again, (or even if she only does it once), you CAN SAY
"If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."
AND then drop it. It needs to become your mantra for discussions about the past, until if & when she asks you to be more specific. Then, be more specific but only about YOUR PART in this. Not hers.
Don't say what your letter said, b/c that was almost a tit for tat scorecard that would never have helped you repair anything, or get closer to a reconciliation. Indeed it would have negated any "apology" you intended to send and reinforced the correctness of her choice to leave. She has had enough and staying married to you, in her eyes, probably meant never having rewarding sex or intimacy, not having a partner in parenting or financing, and other things...most of which make for a lousy marriage in the eyes of the female. Change those^^ elements, and you change the dynamics of the relationship, and create a new reality.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I saw my kids at the park yesterday, and I did not say anything to my W nor did I even acknowledge her - I was not rude, the moment was just never there. I played with them in ways that I always wanted to for an hour and a half, and I enjoyed every moment of it.
A bit later she called and we talked for a bit, and I made several mistakes on the call, this is before reading your post 25yearsmlc. I fell into my own trap for suggesting guilt to her for what she was doing, and she clammed right up.
Today she texted me to call her to discuss Halloween. I called her a few hours later and she said she did not want to go with me, either I could take them, or she would, but she did not want to go with me. Her voice was choked, cracking up like - but I did not say anything about it. I said I would take them and I'd be there about 5 to pick them up.
She said she did not want to go with me, because we should not be together - just then she sniffled - voice still cracked.
I said ok, I will pick them up at five, bye. and hung up the phone.
I saw my kids at the park yesterday, and I did not say anything to my W nor did I even acknowledge her - I was not rude, the moment was just never there. I played with them in ways that I always wanted to for an hour and a half, and I enjoyed every moment of it.
A bit later she called and we talked for a bit, and I made several mistakes on the call, this is before reading your post 25yearsmlc. I fell into my own trap for suggesting guilt to her for what she was doing, and she clammed right up.
Sine the protection order was just lifted (and for the record, I would have gotten a protection order if my h had burned sheets off our bed, too) that means your wife is a woman you just got the legal right to speak to again.
And you chose that "opportunity" NOT to fully apologize but to try and guilt her back home? Wow....I can't believe how well you can look inward, only to revert so quickly back to a place of blaming her...
What did you say to end the talk so fast? God please, not the letter??! That letter was like a feigned attempt at taking responsibility --- but in reality was a thinly veiled manipulation of her, by you, again(!!).
So I guess that's what happened and she saw right through it. That's called backsliding. My question for you is, did you learn anything?
Today she texted me to call her to discuss Halloween. I called her a few hours later and she said she did not want to go with me, either I could take them, or she would, but she did not want to go with me. Her voice was choked, cracking up like - but I did not say anything about it. I said I would take them and I'd be there about 5 to pick them up. Don't blow this. BE KIND TO HER, and have fun with your kids. And that's it...for now.
She said she did not want to go with me, because we should not be together - just then she sniffled - voice still cracked.
I said ok, I will pick them up at five, bye. and hung up the phone.
What are you concluding from ^^^^ this??
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I did say I was sorry, and I wish it did not have to be this way. I did not include the letter, the letter is for me. I started mentioning how she took my home from me, and that was her change. I realized then that I was using guilt and she stopped it.
My conclusion is that she either.... .... ....it does not matter what she is feeling or thinking. My conclusion is that she has her reasons, and my opinions are to be ignored. I will take my kids tomorrow and have a wonderful night with them. And then I will drop them off, and go back to my room.
I did say I was sorry, and I wish it did not have to be this way. I did not include the letter, the letter is for me. I know you did not literally send it, but my concern is you more or less "read it" to her anyhow, in your wording. And I think that's probably the case to an extent.
I started mentioning how she took my home from me, and that was her change. I realized then that I was using guilt and she stopped it. My conclusion
I was hoping you'd look at yourself and not at her. Look at yourself to see if something YOU did or said had again triggered a negative reaction from your wife, a reaction not hard for us to understand or anticipate. I mean, of course she stopped you from guilting HER...
You must learn to do something new. It is simple but difficult. (Not complicated, but not easy).
Thus far you have acted based on how you feel, the vast majority of the time.
You do NOT act in accordance with your stated goals here; rather, you react to the emotions you feel. I believe that is a losing approach here. INSTEAD, Act in alignment with the goals, not how you feel.
Meaning, ACT in accordance with the goal of restoring your marriage to a place it probably has never existed; (i.e. a mature, reciprocating marriage of equals,)
and DO NOT act on your emotions. Your emotions have gotten you where you are, not where you wish you to be.
I was hoping you'd see that your exchange with your wife was wrong b/c YOU made it about your loss, not hers, AND you made yourself out to be a victim, which you are not.
Those are errors you have been making for quite a long time. You DO have choice here. Start exercising choice. Make new, different choices and your life will improve.
Try to see things through her eyes because as long as you are Not able to see her point of view (aka "POV"), you'll be in the dark here.
What confuses ME, is how insightful you can sound, only to so quickly revert to blaming her when you have the chance to do something different and helpful.
In sum, your words below are about her, instead of about YOUR ROLE and the changes YOU wish to make. WE all know you hope she'll give you a chance. WE know you hope that when she sees your changes, feelings in her will reawaken.
(Yet How can they awaken, when you force her to defend herself time & again? How can she believe changes are happening when all she gets from you is anger and your pain??)
You had a great opportunity to demonstrate a calmer, less self centered & more self aware man. Plus, this was right after a month of court ordered no contact. The day after a judge allows you contact, the first chance you had, you went right to what SHE DID "to you"!!
The words that follow should be about you and the changes YOU WANT TO MAKE. But they're not.
is that she either.... .... ....it does not matter what she is feeling or thinking. My conclusion is that she has her reasons, and my opinions are to be ignored. I will take my kids tomorrow and have a wonderful night with them. And then I will drop them off, and go back to my room.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I was hoping you'd see that your exchange with your wife was wrong b/c YOU made it about your loss, not hers, AND you made yourself out to be a victim, which you are not.
When you say her loss. Can you elaborate on this. I think I understand but do not want to over think what you mean. I can see that she is loosing a husband, a live in father to the children and a provider. Is that what you mean. Or did you mean emotional - or both. I don't want to confuse myself trying to figure it out.
Also, she is having an affair - now I understand that she feels justified and not wrong. But doesn't this make me a victim to some extent. Or in the process of fixing this, do I act on a pretense that the affair is nonexistent.
Billman, women with young children do not seek out affairs unless some serious needs are not being met in their lives. It's your job to figure out what those needs were and how you were not providing them. Hint - you don't even have to agree with it. If she feels that way, it's her truth.
Your the leader of the house. Your job is to heal her. You start doing that then we'll talk about the rest of "your" issues.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Billman, women with young children do not seek out affairs unless some serious needs are not being met in their lives. It's your job to figure out what those needs were and how you were not providing them. Hint - you don't even have to agree with it. If she feels that way, it's her truth.
Your the leader of the house. Your job is to heal her. You start doing that then we'll talk about the rest of "your" issues.
Not sure if you saw in my prev thread, but I wrote a letter for myself. In that letter I admitted to a complete lack of intimacy. I was there for my W emotionally, well as much as I thought I could be at the time, since we have not been able to have a really good conversation yet I cannot be sure of exactly what was lacking (without confirmation or excessively faulting myself).
I had done some reading, well a lot, and from what I am learning about affairs, this one stems from two primary things (based only on my observations, not anything I have heard from her). One is the sexual aspect. I completely understand her neglected sexuality. I always tried to make it about her - but sexually not intimately. I did not see that then, but now - kicked in the head.
The second - she has a fear of being alone (not guessing, i know this). With all the prior emotional relationships she has had during problems between us, it was that fear of being alone mixed with whatever I neglected. This time, I believe, she explored an area of intimacy and sexual exploration that I did not provide, on top of not wanting to be alone. This coupled with one final thing - she lost hope for us, I was not doing my job as husband and father, and my offering her a way out by bringing up the D - she basically heard me say - I am done trying to be that man I said I was, you can move on now.
And since I had never lived to my role, she was convinced that ending the marriage was the only road she could go on - and this relationship was born.
Another thing I read is that this affair is merely a distraction from the feelings that she had not yet let go of for me. Since she was not ready to WAW, I opened the door and she was not quite "already done". This OM became the way out of the emotions.
