I remember when we first met. I was sweet and charming. I was romantic, and smiled all the time when I was with her. I made dinner for her and sat next to her with the intention of being close, not for hopes of sex. I would hug her and tell her I loved her for no reason. I would kiss her forehead and say have a good day at work. I would hold her hand when we sat together and allow myself to be uncomfortable just so she could relax without my moving.
These are some of the things I stopped doing. These are some of the things that allowed her to fall in love with me. How in the world can I show her that I am still that man that wants to do these things, when they would all be unwelcome. Aside from being sweet and charming - could this be part of the key.
I have held on too tighttly for far too long. All this time I have been thinking and dreaming of ways to win her back, to convince her that life with me would be better. But this is only my perception, true or not. Her perception is different. She does not see a future with the man she waited to leave.
Instead of accepting and becoming the man I am, I have been trying to force it, and by doing so, I am only pushing her away. I am not respecting her decision or boundaries, and only convincing her that I am a selfish controlling person, that nothing is changing. I am not proving love, I am proving her right.
I need to let go, and live for today and tomorrow. I need to love my children and show them the love that I held back from them. I need to be with them when they are with me. I need to accept that her decision to be apart is for the right reasons - whether I agree or not.
I cannot prove I am worthy, or that I love her, by being a broken, pathetic, groveling, manipulative, sap.
I must accept that her belief is that it is over. I must let go, save hop - in a dark corner of my heart. I must show her love and compassion, subtly and only when the time is right.
Instead of being afraid of what tomorrow will bring, I should bask in what today offers.
I have held on too tighttly for far too long. All this time I have been thinking and dreaming of ways to win her back, to convince her that life with me would be better. But this is only my perception, true or not. Her perception is different. She does not see a future with the man she waited to leave. When you dream of getting her back, it CAN seem as if you simply want to "win" her back from the competition, not so much that you regret the loss of her company and want HER back...to a lot of women who've said they need "X & Y" from their h's but don't get it, and then see alleged "changes" only after an OM comes into the picture, the fear is that it's a contest, not a genuine awakening of deep love and remorse for not showing it. That's my observation.
Instead of accepting and becoming the man I am, I have been trying to force it, and by doing so, I am only pushing her away. I am not respecting her decision or boundaries, and only convincing her that I am a selfish controlling person, that nothing is changing. I am not proving love, I am proving her right. Good insight ^^^....so how are you going to Behave differently to reflect this awareness?
I need to let go, and live for today and tomorrow. I need to love my children and show them the love that I held back from them. I need to be with them when they are with me. I need to accept that her decision to be apart is for the right reasons - whether I agree or not. I cannot prove I am worthy, or that I love her, by being a broken, pathetic, groveling, manipulative, sap. All this ^^^ is true....so read this ^^ again when you want to talk about how sad and hurt YOU are.
I must accept that her belief is that it is over. I must let go, save hop - in a dark corner of my heart. I must show her love and compassion, subtly and only when the time is right. Not sure what that means except I assume you mean, "Don't pursue" her, however be warm and loving when you are around her or interacting....which I'd agree with. Is that what you meant or is there some other meaning to the words "subtly and only when the time is right"? Instead of being afraid of what tomorrow will bring, I should bask in what today offers.
Nice quote^^^....
Maybe try to see tomorrow as another opportunity to be the man you were meant to become. She'll hear of it, and she'll know of it, without a word from you to her. And even if OM is the best man in the universe, we can hope and believe this will occur to her:
"Is the father of my children NOW the man I always wanted him to be? Is he lovingly interacting with our children and becoming the part of their lives I always valued/wished for?? IF SO, maybe I need to think about letting him back into my heart - b/c it sure would be easier than starting all over with OM, and still having my h in the picture anyhow..."
VERSUS
"I'm so glad to be out of that horrible marriage. H never met my needs and even now he's all about HIS needs and HIS loss, as if I haven't lost a thing by leaving him or being married to him all those UN fun years...and he hasn't changed so it's a good thing I got out while I could! Thank God for OM, who "gets" me and loves me just as I am, and isn't weird with the kids and is actively involved in life. We are setting a much better example of a healthy R between a man and a woman for my kids..."
I really believe you have choices to make and that you CAN influence things by your own behavior, if there are genuine changes. And chances are, the OM is not the best man in the universe. Kids want their parents to be great. And when they are not great parents, kids are incredibly forgiving when they see effort from the parent...
I highly recommend that you find some positive role models, watch youtube videos from TED Talks and any other resource so that it comes more naturally to you.
And read that "regret" letter a few more times to yourself so you don't go back to blaming her or whining about how you are suffering. Almost all (or all) of this was of your own making in my opinion.
I see that as empowering to YOU b/c now, YOU can change that and YOU can be the man your wife fell in love with and the father you want to be.
Btw, how was forgiveness modeled in your childhood? IF you saw it, what did it look like? (( It just occurred to me that our children are probably the best examples of how to forgive, that exists. They always hope we won't let them down and when we try not to let them down, they cling to the efforts they see b/c they want to believe we love them, and we do. Maybe they are the ones we need to look to, when it comes to forgiving ourselves or others...))
And PS, if you do reconcile, you both will need to
1) forgive, and
2) let go of the past,
and
3) go "from this day forward", like the vows say.
You can begin doing this^^ without her - and indeed she never needs to know that you "forgive" her for whatever.
It's about you letting go of your past hurts and the scorecard, and just working on who you are now, and who you want to be tomorrow.
But in your case it is probably a good idea to flesh out what that looks like. Details, images and examples for you to follow b/c you seem to like that. Correct? So where could you find some?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
however be warm and loving when you are around her or interacting....which I'd agree with. Is that what you meant
^^exactly this. Not pursue, but sweet and charming at the appropriate moments.
Good insight ^^^....so how are you going to Behave differently to reflect this awareness?
I have come to a conclusion that my mistake is Facebook. I am constantly putting "my day" up there. I am not throwing it in her face, but after thinking about - that is all I have done. I have logged out of FB, and plan to stay out. I will only talk to her if she calls me for the children, or if I want to see them.
Btw, how was forgiveness modeled in your childhood? IF you saw it, what did it look like?
I am not sure. The man I am does not make sense due to what I remember of my childhood. I come from a broken home, my father was lazy, my mother divorced 4 times. We never lived in the same home for too long. I am not sure where my conceptual model of life comes from.
I think I found my other issue. My fear. I am afraid that she will not see my changes. I am afraid that she does not care, or have any feelings for me at all. I am afraid that she truly wants to be done and rid of me in the capacity I was. As of yet I have no real 'closure. Tomorrow scares me.
I know these are things I do not need to know right now, and some day I may find those answers. But I have to find strength to accept that today is today, and if destiny exists, or we are meant to be - then she will see/find what she wants to, when she wants to.
What I want more than anything is to restore my marriage to who I know the greatest woman in the world. And I have to face my fear. I have to walk this path with blind faith, without knowledge of what it will mean to her. I am terrified.
I understand your fear. Try to operate in faith and not in fear.
Indeed I read once that "when we operate in fear we are Not operating in faith".
If you are a believer and I think you said you are, then keep ^^ this in mind.
And go forward with the peaceful knowledge that at the very least, you'll be a much better father and a more involved participant in life.
You are NOT destined to be your father. Break the cycle and help your children do the same.
Good luck. We are all rooting for you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I understand your fear. Try to operate in faith and not in fear.
Good luck. We are all rooting for you.
I could not ask for anything more. I thank you all, especially you 25.
I remember when we first met, I was not afraid then. I was a happy person then. I knew what I wanted and did not let life hold me back. Its okay to be afraid. But I will not let it stop me from walking into the dark. I will step carefully but with all the courage I can muster.
SO I had a wonderful 3 hours taking my children trick or treating. I did not mope, prod, spy, or even allow my oldest to talk about mommy. When I say allow, i simply said we don't need to talk about that, and swiftly brought up something else. I also did not say or imply that she should tell mommy anything about the evening. I just went with them and listened and enjoyed the time spent.
But I have one concern. When I asked my daughter (oldest - 9) how she has been. She said mostly happy , but sometimes sad. then she volunteered that mommy was sad the other day. I just asked what do you mean. she said and I quote, "mommy was sad that her boyfriend might not love her". I dismissed it and changed the topic.
Should my daughter know this? a boyfriend, love, - after 2 months of my not being in the home? Should i say anything about this at all to anyone? I don't think my children should have any knowledge of this at all, and my 9 year old seems to know something. I am...appalled.
SO I had a wonderful 3 hours taking my children trick or treating. I did not mope, prod, spy, or even allow my oldest to talk about mommy. When I say allow, i simply said we don't need to talk about that, and swiftly brought up something else. I also did not say or imply that she should tell mommy anything about the evening. I just went with them and listened and enjoyed the time spent. Sounds like great work. Well done.
But I have one concern. When I asked my daughter (oldest - 9) how she has been. She said mostly happy , but sometimes sad. then she volunteered that mommy was sad the other day. I just asked what do you mean. she said and I quote, "mommy was sad that her boyfriend might not love her". I dismissed it and changed the topic. Again, good job. Well done.
Should my daughter know this? a boyfriend, love, - after 2 months of my not being in the home? Should i say anything about this at all to anyone? I don't think my children should have any knowledge of this at all, and my 9 year old seems to know something. I am...appalled.
Don't be so "appalled". Really. Lose the righteousness b/c it does NOT help you or anyone else. Make sure you learn to distinguish between your pride and a true boundary. This is not within your control. In my head I reviewed your options and there are none that are worth the downside, that I can think of.
If you can think of a way to "Show your outrage" that does not come off as incredibly selfish, self serving and probably hypocritical, so be it.
But do not dismiss the chance your wife will lash out at you daring to critique her at all. She could say what a lousy father you have been for 99% of their lives only to NOW decide you give a crap and that you are "appalled" will probably appall HER...
Tread lightly when it comes to things like this.
And stay the course. From my POV, the OM is a distraction to you and possibly to her as well.
Don't dwell on him. Like the book says, he's not the issue or the cause, merely a symptom. BE the better choice.
There would be no boyfriend or OM - and your d would never have heard of him, if you and your wife had a strong marriage. This is not all on your wife anyway.
Besides, you think burning the sheets did not generate a single question of your wife? Maybe she told the kids about OM b/c of your own choices...again I say there is no way to confront or control this, that lacks a huge downside. Too huge.
Stay the course, keep the focus on YOU and only you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I understand. I think I was more upset at the potential damage to my children understanding of life. What it means to have another person so soon after a situation - the psychological effects of this in the future. I think it could be very bad..but again. I do NOT want to jeopardize any chances I may have in the future - so I will leave it.
And I agree, I believe he is a distraction - for what little I do know of him, I do not believe he would be a "good fit" for her, for reasons not related to my disdain for him.
I will leave it alone, for the sake of hope, and not wanting to have the downside. Ty for the eye opener.
