Hey 25, i know you have a life, but is there any way we can talk out of this forum, just for a bit. I have a few questions that I do't want to ask here.
it's very frowned upon. Try asking Jack3 beans for an alternate way to reach me IF he is still around
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Where do I find the strength to hold on. The will to endure what hurts more than any pain. i sit here with knowledge and understanding that I have never known before. Yet my heart cannot fathom the wrongdoings that both I an my wife have caused each other. While I accept that my ways hardened her heart and gave her a reason to give up, I do not take blame for her actions.
I try to accept a future where we are together, and a future where we are not. The one where we are not is painful to accept, but it is understood. The one where we are is blissful, and terrifying. There will be so much to accept and get over, so much to endure and overcome.
I cannot have an absolute of whether she will find her heart with me again. I have no way to know when the affair will end, or how long it will take her to reason whether we can begin anew. I can accept this chance, but having hope at the same time I know the truth of what is happening with her and that man.
My love for her is unconditional, I made a vow of for better or worse. This is by far the worst it could be. I must be strong enough to stand by her through this time she is struggling to find whatever it is she is looking for. But to stand by while watching her destroy everything She once held dear, is not an easy burden to bear.
There are some truths I understand. I know that there is a very high chance her affair will end. I know that some day, even if years she will have regrets, and I high chance our loss will be one of them. Her irrationality will clear up in time, and she will begin to understand more clearly.
I find myself fighting with how long I can "wait" for these things to happen. I tell myself to let go and live and allow life to continue. Then I become sad again. I pick myself up and try to accept her decision, to accept that she believes she is doing what she must; and yet I posses the knowledge that she is hurting herself - and I cannot save her.
I do not know what she is thinking, I do not understand what she feels. I cannot understand her justifications or how she can rationalize what she is doing. I may never understand why she cannot see her children future as this event unfolds. But I also understand that these are things I do not need to know. My knowledge of them would change nothing, nor would that knowledge help me heal from my own pain.
It is okay to be afraid, and I will not let that fear control me. A small part of me feels like I want to fight with fire, to retaliate by any means. Then I remember that I love her, and try to accept that she is struggling with pain as well. Does she know she is in pain I wonder.
I know to let go, to live life and find a happy place. My heart misses her and wants to protect her, to save her.This internal battle at times feels like it will destroy me. I am broken, but only my heart, not my soul. I do not want to wait, I want it to stop; patience while watching what disgusts me feels wrong. But when I gather everything that is, and was, I remember that I choose to love her. I accept my choice and must live by it, for better .... or worse.
There is no limit. I choose to love her regardless of .. anything. A parent loves their child unconditionally. You never give up on that person. You will stand by them without allowing your own feelings get in the way. There is no limit. There are no conditions.
Billman I have to say that you are a bit of an amnesiac. How much have You really changed?
You wrote this 3 years ago....
We tried to repair what we could when I finally came to my senses. Things got slightly better and there was no confirmation that infidelity occurred. The OW never said anything, but was pregnant, claimed she was raped at a party. (this all sounds worse than it is). 2 years later before our youngest was conceived, I had to to a blood test so the OW could get support and medical for her child. He was mine. me and the wife were in shock. I didn't know it happened and her worst fear came true. We had another child born 03/13/10, I treated her like a queen while she was pregnant, more on that later. We moved from NY to VA 3 1/2 years ago. To get away from the mess of that affair I had. It didn't work.
I began, when we got here, to play an online game World of Warcraft...all the way up to the day of the D. 3 1/2 years later, I played 1 FULL year of play time within that 3 1/2 years. I was neglectful around the house, inattentive to her and the children and was obsessed with the game. All on top of being controlling.
NOW, after the bomb, I was in a crisis center for 5 days and found I have generalized anxiety disorder. My fears, even of imaginary things give me false perspectives on whats real. I have a fear of being alone, and even while I or she worked (basically any time we weren't together) I had suspicions. 90% of the time I could be ok with that, but sometimes my lack of apparent trust caused issues and the illusion of control. I never intended that to happen...hindsight being 20/20.
In short, I was controlling and neglectful. The control was a direct result from my fear of her leaving or being alone. I basically caged her like a bird, unknowingly. The neglect was mostly from the addiction to the Wow game. She decided to leave. If I had NOT played that game, we would not be here.
We have talked quite a bit today, and she just wants to see, mostly, me getting better with the GAD (disorder) and get a job, make money, and keep in constant contact with our children. Have patience she says. I believe and trust and hope that we can get back together, and I think my GAD fear is clouding my ability to hold steadfast with that trust.
GAD and patience without knowledge is a terrible combination...I wonder if I am actually afraid of nothing, but if that were the case, then why wouldn't she just ask me to stay. She must be afraid that I cannot change.
Billman, I find your long post today to be remarkably lacking in self awareness and that you STILL blame HER for your pain and "her wrongs". I feel as if I have to tell you something painful just so you can snap out of all this...and it's this: Most women would have given up on you long ago.
Frankly, I think you got yourself here. And it's been 3 years, plus the stuff leading up to all that!...
ONLY YOU CAN GET YOUR LIFE TO IMPROVE, NOT HER.
What's your plan now? Stay on that path and don't wallow. When you find yourself wallowing, which you are doing, put a STOP SIGN in your mind and stop doing it.
The wallowing and the neediness and tears of self pity about YOUR loss, are big chunks of how you got here. You want to be a man only a fool would leave.
What are you DOING to become that man?
The sooner you become him, the more likely you can reconcile, but IF I can't see it, how can she?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Where the head goes, the heart will follow (if we let it).
Unfortunately you seem to be a slave to your emotions, even while admitting you don't have emotional stability.
How is your therapy and treatment for the anxiety and moodiness going? How are you different today, than you were 3 years ago?
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 11/02/1407:53 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
