To Pursue or Not

[twinmom]

I wanted to respond to your post a few days ago. I have just been way too busy to give it the proper time. Piecing is when your wife comes to you and states SHE wants to work on your marriage.
Sorry love but you're still going in the opposite direction. You really need to stop the pursuit. God I know how hard it is! But your wife will not view you in a positive light if you continue on this path.

You talk about your wife losing weight, would it be healthy for you to do the same? It doesn't matter if it is a MLC or not the advice is the same.

Taking the Christmas tree without a conversation was a jerk move. But recover from this and show her you're fine by getting another one (even a small fake one) and having the kids make paper/craft style ornaments.
Every year my kids make cinnamon applesauce ornaments
2 cups cinnamon
1 cup applesauce
Add more of each ingredient if needed to reach play doh consistency. Roll out and cut with cookie cutters. Use a straw to make a hole for the string. Place them on a cookie sheet and bake in the oven at 225° for about 3-5 hours depending on how thick you make them. They should be competing dry. I always write the year on one side and put ribbon through the hole then hang them in the tree and they smell so good!

Start a few new traditions with the kids. I used to snoop at the checking account almost 3/4x a day when we had a joint account to see where he was and what he was doing. It was a pma blessing when we separated accounts and I couldn't do that anymore because I wasn't strong enough on my own to stop it. Possibly think about forcing yourself to stop the snooping.

[Starsky309]

I wouldn't have apologized for a damned thing. Everything you did, you have done to try to protect your family.


Starsky

[UpperCu]

I know the feeling of relief Arcola, because I did the same thing with one of my Intel sources. But, I'm going to have to agree with Starsky. Your W has done you the disservice of deceiving you and others, so Intel is crucial for verifying the truth going forward.

When I fessed up to snooping, my W actually also fessed up that she was snooping on me too. I was already aware of this since she was not being very clever. I didn't show her all my "cards" and I still am able to keep tabs on her although she moved out several weeks ago.

Unfortunately, I think the only gain you'll have from her knowing about your snooping is detachment like twinmom related to. She probably will become better at hiding things from you now, but isn't likely to change her ways just because you are in the know.

Because I've maintained other sources, I know that my W is still stalking OM and his GF daily, don't believe she has contacted him, but do have proof that she is trying to get a job working with him now and is taking every opportunity possible to cross paths with him. I also know she has kept his phone number. I was able to figure out a way to mess with her and change his # in her phone contact list remotely. She corrected the error once, but I did it again and she hasn't caught on, so that is why I don't think she is in contact with him...

[Starsky309]

Because I've maintained other sources, I know that my W is still stalking OM and his GF daily, don't believe she has contacted him, but do have proof that she is trying to get a job working with him now and is taking every opportunity possible to cross paths with him. I also know she has kept his phone number. I was able to figure out a way to mess with her and change his # in her phone contact list remotely. She corrected the error once, but I did it again and she hasn't caught on, so that is why I don't think she is in contact with him...

I like your style, UC. I like your style.

[zew]

Starsky, you're incorrigible, bless your heart!

[Starsky309]

Oh, I've been known to be corriged once or twice, I'll have you know . . .

[Arcola]

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas as the day draws to a close. I was fortunate to be able to spend it with my kids and W. It was different given our sitch, but overall it was nice. We celebrated Christmas at W's house and I spent day there with kids until about 5 PM when I brought them back to my house to stay for a couple of days.

Today W and I came to an agreement on how we'd split the finances since we're now separated. Its pretty much 50/50. However, the agreement isn't firm yet and certain things need to occur before we can truly split the finances. Bills have to be put in my name, accounts created, etc. Once everything is squared away the agreement we've came to will serve as a trial to see if everything evens out.

W and I have been separated now for 2 weeks. The first couple of days were very emotional having to see and say goodnight to my kids in another home and then go home alone. The same emotions showed in my W as I saw her cry the first night they had to stay with me. She also cried tonight when they came home with me and she came over to get some of her things. We don't have a set schedule, and its been pretty flexible these first two weeks. The whole separated deal is still emotional at times, but I'll just say its going as good as I think separated can be with kids.

I miss her since we've been separated. Twice I've put myself out their verbally and she didn't reciprocate the feelings I expressed as I thought she might. One instance was me telling her I missed her and she asked why, but nothing came after my responses. The second instance was Christmas Eve and it was late after finishing up presents so I beat around the bush about staying at her house and sleeping in bed with her. Her response to that was I had a cold and upon many other reasons. (This is just a side note, but it makes me wonder how it was never an issue sleeping in the same bed prior to us separating.) Furthermore, after this sleeping instance I asked the question is separated helping us or not since she said things weren't getting better between us living together. Her response was that she wasn't doing this to see if she could handle it or something and that she's just doing what has to be done or taking care of business.

From these two instances of putting myself out there and not receiving what I hoped for really took a stab at my emotions. I'm just like two weeks ago it seemed something was still there between us, but now its like it has vanished. Nonetheless, I realize I must STFU until maybe one day the time/sitch is right. Moreover, despite W not reciprocating feelings, she has displayed that the separation is getting to her on the family level.

Being that we're separated I have no intel if an OM is in the picture. She doesn't seem like it, but what do I know. I'm unable to snoop, plus I told her I wouldn't anymore. I have the urge every once and a while, but it seems to help me overall not being able to.

I emailed MWD group email box to get pricing for IC sessions. I've also finally cracked open Divorce Remedy and have began to read from front to back. I found myself searching for the magic bullet with Divorce Busting and not reading the book in its entirety or from front to back. I've been all over the place with techniques since BD and results I haven't been able to quite measure. I hope to develop a short range/long range plan after reading DR and hopefully seeing an IC.

[Arcola]

Of all the days here I am on New Year's Eve semi happy but upset too. So here goes.

Wife and I were suppose to take the kids over one of her friends house and bring in the New Year, but things changed because of the weather (I'm guessing). So now wife is having some friends over to bring in the New Year and the kids will be staying with me for the night. Moreover, I really don't think plans changed due to weather, because when I went over this morning spur of the moment to help kids get ready so she could get to a Dr. appointment, I saw two 12 packs of different kinds of beer. So, I'm thinking she bought them yesterday when I watched the kids so she could go to the store for a few things.

So as the evening begins we take all the kids to a birthday party for a daycare friend of D3 and S4 (signature needs updating). It went well. A few things I found of interest. Wife asks the lady of the house how long her husband and her had been married She responds 27 years (If I'm not mistaken). Also, somewhere along the conversation while there, it comes up that we stay off the same street. Wife plays this we stay off the same street as if we really are living together. On one hand I'm like yeah I would probably keep it simple, untrue if needed since we haven't known these people for years. On the other hand I'm like why are you lying.

After the birthday we go back to wife's house and I stay for a few minutes before I go hang out over a friend's house for a couple of hours. While at friends house she texts me, "Am I on my way" or something of the sorts. I respond I'll be leaving in 10 minutes. I actually leave in 20 minutes or so unintentionally. When I pull up at her house I see one of her girlfriend's car and another car. When I go inside her girlfriend isn't there and her customer is. (Customer being a Government Civilian who is the manager of a task the contracting company she works for has)

I've met this guy on a few occasions and he seems like a nice guy. I suspect he might be gay, but I also suspect he is just "uppity" and a pretty boy. Anyway, I speak to him nicely as always while I'm there getting the kids. Wife helps me get the kids in the car and when I come over to the driver side while she's finishing getting a kid in the car on my side, she turns and walks to the back of the car as if she's heading inside the house. I'm not sure if she planned on saying something or giving me a hug wishing me a happy new year (me hoping) or what. But I see this and go ahead and say Happy New Year and see you tomorrow (she's coming over to spend time with kids) and get in the car and she walks back to the house.

So here's the venting if none of the above wasn't. I know I shouldn't be concerned with her plans and what she does, but there was definitely a change of plans and I don't think the bringing in the New Year was just going to be at her place. If it was I'm sure her girlfriends would have been there, she probably wouldn't have been so dressed up with make-up, and she would have had food out. Moreover, her and Customer were sipping wine.

As I mentioned above, I initially took customer as a nice guy just as I did OM, but now I'm thinking otherwise. I'm thinking of all the people who could be over here, why is he here. Ethics and customer/contractor relationships/interactions is a big deal as I work for a Government contracting company also. So on that note, I'm like you both know you are wrong. Moreover, I'm beginning to suspect Customer may be intenionally or unintenionally moving in (not living) with my WAW. Only time will tell.

I know this is only New Years, and it hurts the way I'm bringing in. It'll be cheerful nonetheless as my kids are still up at 11:32 PM minus S10 mos, sleep, and D9 at sleepover. So I'll be bringing it in with them and moreover I'm thankful that I and they will if God's will be living to bring in the New Year.

Many DBers mention our spouses have given us the gift of time, but this time is quite the obstacle in life. I'm looking forward to my first session with a DB coach Fri. Right now despite my high emotions I sort of feel like I won't to file for D or confront WAW on the way things are going (since moving out was I guess a solution to things not getting better between us while we were living under the same roof). But, some little hope in me is saying play it cool and see how this coaching plays out.

I hope if 2015 in its entirety is promised to all us DBers, that it is pleasant and we all be in better places physically and emotionally come 2016. So to all Happy New Year!

[Arcola]

I wanted to end the night with my last post, but figured I'd add this since its fresh on mind. So since I'm not completely detached I'm looking on Facebook to see what wife is up to. I check two of her girlfriend's pages and notice they're no longer my friends. As sad as that sounds, I'm not sad, I'm just I guess surprised. I might as well be that criminal that stole from a family. And in closing no Happy New Year from wife, despite the Happy New Year's earlier.

See previous post's closing as I'd like to end this one that way.

[Arcola]

Early Sunday morning about 3 AM I was headed home from the casino and decided to drive by W's house just to see if another car was there. And it was; all lights off in the house too. I didn't recognize the car, but I highly suspect it was her Government Action Officer for the task she works on as a Contractor. My first thought was to go and ring the doorbell and confront her, but I decided not to take action on impulse.

I got the license plate number and subscribed to an online search, but no results. I also checked his pictures on Facebook, but nothing surely identifying it as his car.

So now here I sit at 430 AM in the morning, probably can't fall asleep and upset and some questions on my mind that hopefully you guys can provide a different point of view on.

I try some to play it down, but nothing petty comes to mind when someone I don't know for sure is still at her house at 3 AM in the morning. I'm definitely not downplaying an OM anymore. So, should I go dark, LRT, but only communicate business (kids, house, car, medical, etc.)?

After seeing what I saw this morning and with no definite answers, I'm just dead set on it being an OM there. I recognize all her girlfriend's cars and this one I have never seen before. So, now I'm highly considering filing for D. I want to make our marriage work, but I'm starting to feel like I'm wasting time even if I'm working on myself right now. Please, can anyone give reasons why I shouldn't file? I know there is no golden answer, just looking for some other point of views. Thanks