I've dropped the rope....

[Sotto]

Not much new with me. Been feeling up and down this week. H & I not spoken for over 6 weeks now. We have texted about pets/house/money - all perfectly pleasant - but that's all. I'm worried that there will be so much emotional distance between us, that it will be hard for us ever to come back from it....

But, I know that pursuit doesn't work either. So, I'll just keep on going. I have been busy GAL anyway. Found a flat I like this week, and have said I would like to take it - but there are others interested, so I'm not yet sure if I'll get it. Should know tomorrow.

I also signed up to Meetups this week. There are a couple of hopeful sounding ones locally, and I have RSVP'd for one later this month.

Oh well, onwards and upwards....:-)

[unbidden]

Maybe it's time to rethink whether you should contact H more periodically with pleasantries.

[Sotto]

Thanks unbidden. Do you mean by text or to call him? As I'm now 2 hours away and we don't have kids together, there isn't any 'natural' contact. But we do have shared housing, animals and finances, so potentially plenty to talk about.

In the weeks after BD, we talked every week or so. A lot about our M, his A, what and why etc. This went on for a couple of months. Last time we spoke (mid Sept) he said he needed to work on himself before getting into a 'big' R again (but he hasn't since finished the A.) He was reading self help books and thinking of IC.

I began to feel that my 'loving' contact in those first 2 months might be encouraging a stable triangle - almost supporting the A... And I didn't really feel the talking made much difference. Meeting up did - we did that once - and H was really affected by that.

I think he may feel he can't get in touch unless he has decided what he wants to do..

So, I guess I'm just not sure what to do at this stage...Any thoughts folks?

[Bunches]

Hey Toots, I'm sure its tough to have gone so long and feel like its not just slipping further out of hand. But in my opnion, if you reach out your are only confirming to him that you are thinking about him and securing your plan B status. My assumption here is that you want to reach out because you miss him and are hoping for a reaction. Just seems like the wrong reason. It doesn't seem very "as if" either. Especially with him still being in the A...its not time. You could be fulfilling an emotional need when reaching out during his A that makes him feel better about what he is doing. Just stick with you and your life and let it be.

Just my thoughts...

[Sotto]

Had a boost today. Had viewed a lovely rental flat at the weekend, just down the road from my parents. But 3 other people were looking at it and I missed out on the last one I saw in the same block.

Anyway, I got it! Went to the agents today and reserved the flat, made my application etc. I have been at mum & dad's for almost 4 months now, so it will be nice to be independent again. And it's a sign of moving further forwards - a next phase beyond the awful BD period..

H had asked me to let him know when I found somewhere, so I dropped him a quick text to update him. Not heard back from him - and suspect he is travelling back from seeing OW (who lives abroad) this weekend. Anyway, it's a sign of progress that it didn't burst my bubble too much.

I'm so glad to get a little boost. I was feeling like my life was full of rejection - my H rejected me and no-one would rent me a flat....but at least one of those is on the way to being sorted now.. :-)

[wmwb123]

Congrats!

[Sotto]

Pretty good day yesterday. Did some work in the morning, then IC in the afternoon and a class in the evening - GAL day.

At IC, we did some work on family trees - sketching out mine and H's tree. On his, we included his exW - which was no problem at all - she and I get along fine.

Counsellor then asked - where should we put AP? "Nowhere!" I said. We had some discussion about her clearly being a part of his life at least for now. But I still didn't want to put her on the tree.

Brought it home to me that she may be the one in future who plays with 'my' nieces, welcomes the in-laws etc - that was hard to think about.

Then I remembered that relationships formed in lies and deceit are unlikely to succeed - so she may end up not getting to know H's family anyway.

I struggle with the unfairness of it all really. If we are 'good' then 'good' things will happen to us - won't they? But I feel she has been 'bad' - but a 'good' thing is happening to her isn't it?

Then I thought long term, and some of the things that she will & I won't have to live with:

*I won't have to live with the fact I have been unfaithful
*I won't have to live with having told lies to someone I love
*Or having contributed to the break up of someone else's family
*Or having pursued my own happiness at the expense of others

So, I came round to the view that - whilst I may not be very happy now - and "bad" things are happening now, at least I have maintained my integrity, self-respect and been honest. And that may mean that "good" things may happen going forwards.

So, I guess the IC helped process all of this, which was useful! :-)

[Jefe]

Good Job. I wouldn't have been able to add anyone else to the tree either. OM1/Bio Dad I can do, but nothing now. Interesting exercise, the Tree idea.

[Bunches]

That's a tough pill to swallow. I can't imagine having to put up with OM either. I think the tree is a challenging but good idea. It really represents reality, liked or not.

[Sotto]

I've concluded that the most she's gonna get is for OW to be on a post-it note - temporary and removable! ;-)