Continuing DBing after the affair

[GoatGal]

Starsky,

You know I think you're the bomb. But I have to disagree here. He said the "porn thing" was a huge thing in their marriage, that she didn't like it and clearly it bothered her since she felt it was "cheating".

That right there was a red flag to Peter that there was an issue. He discounted her feelings on the matter. Was using porn more important than his wife's feelings?

I never had a problem with it either way until it became apparent that it was affecting my H, his feelings about me, and our sex life.

Over time, it does to many people.

Saying he is "very visual" signals that perhaps he needed "visuals" with his wife also.
I don't know, that's for him to say.

Many women find that their man looking at other women in this way is "cheating" and they find it very disturbing. If the tables were turned, how would men feel?

I am hardly a prude and have viewed my fair share of porn over the years. However, as I've come to learn more and more on the effects of porn on the brain, on relationships, on sexual expectations and desires, I can see how, for many people (though not all) it skews things greatly in favor of highly visual, impersonal, experimental sex which has as its end result the woman feeling like a masturbation tool.

I've been there. It ain't pretty.
And if porn was needed for men to take care of their physical needs, what on earth did they do before such a thing was invented? Just saying'...


I hate to disagree with you Starsky, but this is a sore spot for me, especially since his wife clearly stated that this behavior was distressing to her.

In my case, for my H to have a chance to R with me, this would have to be a porn-free house from now on. And for me to even consider moving forward with him, he would have to demonstrate that he was working on quitting porn altogether while we are separated.

My H knows he has a problem, living independently is not an excuse for him to continue his addiction (and for him, it is) if he has any idea of ever being my H. His problem is extensive enough that it will negatively impact any future R he might have with anyone.

He needs to stop, for himself. It has ruined him sexually and on some level he knows this, though is unlikely to admit it.

Please believe me when I tell you that I am not being overly dramatic here. I have 20+ years of living in a SSM that was due to HIM taking care of his needs with porn instead of with his wife. That was a real eye-opener.



---(G)GGG

[Maybell]

I'm with GoatGal on this one. I feel like my husband's porn use robbed me of the opportunity to know what he found exciting, robbed me of excitement, and kept him from having to have conversations with me that may have initially been a little uncomfortable but eventually could have been really, really fun.

Because he kept it secret, it also set the stage for all the other secrets he kept from me, which got bigger and bigger over time. And it's not like I didn't know what he was doing. I just didn't realize the extent to which it harmed us. If I had, I would have reacted as Peter's wife did.

Give it up, Peter, it isn't worth it.

[GoatGal]

Yes. As Maybell said, a lot of the problem has to do with the secrecy of it.

And I do think that for Peter, a great 180 would be for him to quit and find healthier avenues of getting his needs met.

(No, Mr. Starsky, not hookers! )

Letting his wife know that he understands how much it bothers her, and that he is willing to address it would go a long way with her, I'm sure.

Especially if he actually DOES quit. Wow...
What I would give to have my H volunteer to do that and pull it off!


If Peter is viewing porn regularly and had an issue with not doing so, even when he and his W were together and he knew it bothered her, what does that tell us?


---(G)GGG

PS: OK. I just looked at my wording above and started chuckling. I'm waiting to see if any of you catch it. And no, I am not going to edit it out. It was too funny!

[twinmom]

So she was fine with porn as long as she was viewing with you but not if you were viewing alone......
It's like saying you can only eat cake if she sits there and has a piece too......
My personal opinion? You are either ok with it or your not, and your wife seems to just want to bi!#h about something for the sake of taking the guilt/blame off of her and putting it on you.
SHE needs to grow up and realize that her actions had consequences.

Everyone can blast me but I don't see how you are ever going to move past this stage as your wife seems to not have ANY consequences to her actions. She calls and you jump... and jump high and higher and higher.....

[Starsky309]

I have 20+ years of living in a SSM that was due to HIM taking care of his needs with porn instead of with his wife. That was a real eye-opener.

And I have 20+ years of living in a SSM as the high-drive spouse, so we're probably going to have to agree to disagree here, GG. I do realize that most women view this subject differently than most men, but my position on it is if it's not affecting their sex life, and you're not squandering the family's money on it, then it's not really an issue. Since they HAVE no sex life currently, and she's not even IN THE MARRIAGE, then I see no reason for him to do this FOR HER.

I did say that:

a) He should do it FOR HIMSELF if it's something HE feels he needs to work on;

b) it's also something he IS going to need to do FOR HER if and when she recommits to the marriage, because it's important to her and she's expressed that to him before.


Starsky

[Maybell]

And also that he'll need to do for any future relationship. So would it hurt to explore alternatives now?

[GoatGal]

Starsky,

I agree with a. and b. as you said above.

However, Peter did say himself that the porn was a huge issue in their marriage before things unraveled to the degree that they are now. That, and the fact that he was dismissive of her concerns when she shared them with him.

How is that any different from other complaints our spouses had about us prior to BD?

Only Peter can decide whether or not her concerns about his porn use have validity in terms of the negative impact on their relationship.

I'm curious to see what his thoughts are on this one.
Meanwhile, I'm OK with agreeing to disagree.

FWIW, I was always the HD spouse, believing my H was LD and accepted finally that he wasn't going to meet my needs. Then I discovered that his desire is fine, he just wanted to expend most of his energy on porn.
This was even when we were first dating and I was a hot 25 year old begging him to make love to me. He was "too tired" or "not interested."
Yup. Found that out too last year.

So it is a bit of a sore topic for me.

But yes, Peter is the one who must decide if he has a problem, if it's something he can do without (because if he can't, this is probably not an issue that his W is just going to accept) and whether or not it is something that might impact future relationships.

Peter?

[Starsky309]

Starsky,

I agree with a. and b. as you said above.

However, Peter did say himself that the porn was a huge issue in their marriage before things unraveled to the degree that they are now. That, and the fact that he was dismissive of her concerns when she shared them with him.

How is that any different from other complaints our spouses had about us prior to BD?

It's not, which is why I'm perfectly consistent on this one. I also advise betrayed spouses to work on "the issues that 'sting'" (as Cadet and others over on the MLC forum so beautifully put it), and NOT on those "hoop-jumping" things that their wayward spouses might be CLAIMING are a long-held marital complaint, in some effort to woo them back. My first post on this above said that if PETER thinks this is something he should work on, he should do it. That's all I was trying to say.

[GoatGal]

Okay, Starsky. Gotcha.

[Starsky309]

So it is a bit of a sore topic for me.

Me too. We're probably the "low" and the "high test score" here.