Doing the limbo thing (thread 7)

[Starsky309]

Ultimately, I am going to take any and all pressure off of her and give her space.

That would certainly be the easiest route.

[shodan]

My wife is traveling for work to NYC this week (she was gone Tues and Wed nights, back later today). Both mornings she texted me to let me know that she could not sleep. Again, it is so ironic that we could be in this situation and yet my W needs me in bed with her to sleep well.

She then also called me and then emailed me (I did not pick up her phone call because I was on a business call) to let me know what she is going to be gone only 1 night the week of Nov 17th vs. the 2-3 nights she originally planned. She is not traveling next week.

What does this mean? Nothing really but it does show that my wife probably ended the A with the OM (or she would want to be in NYC a lot more often).

What am I doing about out situation? As stated, I am backing away. I have crossfit tomorrow morning and have plans Saturday night with a friend. As everyone has tried to get me to understand, I need to pull back and create an opportunity for her to miss me.

I created the following list that I need to follow:

- I need to detach, not be around as much…give her space
- Don’t talk about R or A
- Stop going to yoga with her…she needs to miss me. We probably go to class together two times per week. We have fun when we go. But I need to stop doing this.
- No runs or walks together. For example, we tend to walk the kids to school together 1-2 times per week. We usually get a coffee on the way back and then go about our days. While I know it has helped my W see me in a good light, I need to stop doing this.
- Stop doing nice things for her except making coffee in the morning...I want to stick with this one.
- “ignore” her a bit at home. Be nice, positive but not "there" for her
- GAL…go out once per week with work or other friends + go to Crossfit three times per week

[Sotto]

Hi Shodan

Sounds like a good list to me...and my advice would be - don't be watching for any early signs of - 'has she noticed?' etc....

Make it a gradual withdrawal, and because you have other things going on for yourself etc...

Just do it for yourself, for your own need of distance, space and calmness..

Good luck :-)

[shodan]

my W came back from her business trip last night. When she got home, I was playing with D10 and S8. We all said "Hi" but no one ran over to hug or kiss her. A few minutes later, I went in the kitchen with my S8 and my W said "no one even gave me a hug when I came home." So my S8 hugged her and then went back in the living room. She looked at me and said "maybe their Dad should set a better example." I smiled and just stood there. I mentioned that my S8 gave me a big hug the night before, which he has not done in months. My W then said "our family is falling apart", walk to me and gave me a big hug.

Her somewhat more "warm" actions towards me are not going to change what I am doing. In fact, it gives me even more motivation to pull back.

[zew]

^^^^ I think you've got it.

[Starsky309]

Seems like she's still torn. That's fine; it's not your job to persuade her anymore, the ball is in her court. If she wants to make the move back toward commitment to the marriage and to the family, you've certainly left the door open, Sho.

I think it's Schnarch who calls this "letting them remain in the crucible." As a "pleaser" type myself, I'm forever trying to DIFFUSE situations and their moments of discomfort, but sometimes it's best to let it be, and let the person deal with their conflicting feelings.


Starsky

[shodan]

Agree, she is torn. For example, she is not traveling next week and the week after she moved her trip from two nights away to only one night away. She wants back into the family but I am not sure back with me (at least not yet).

But she is trying to connect with me more. For example, when I send her an email about the kids, she will call me to talk about it, rather than just email. Or when I send her my work travel itinerary, she normally just responds "ok" or not at all. Now, she responds with a much longer email.

Another ironic note...after two nights of not sleeping well in NYC, she told me this morning that she slept great last night.

Seems to me that the true tipping point will be if/when she says "I want to commit to our M. What do I need to do?" Until then, I just need to detach and give her the opportunity to miss me.

[Starsky309]

Seems to me that the true tipping point will be if/when she says "I want to commit to our M. What do I need to do?" Until then, I just need to detach and give her the opportunity to miss me.

It almost seems to me like she's trying to get back into the marriage and the family, incrementally, WITHOUT having to commit to it -- or to you. Kind of a "Hey, can we just forget all this happened?" sorta thing. While simultaneously maybe doing a "hey, we need to cool it for awhile" thing with OM as opposed to a full break there either.

It shows a lack of introspection and having "done the work," as we've discussed before (and therefore a recipe for failure), but it does seem like that's what she's trying to do, at least to me anyway.


Starsky

[shodan]

I agree on your first point..."can I incrementally just come back to the M and the family?" I suspect that she ended things with the OM but not in the right way (i.e. write a letter of NC, change her phone #, etc.).

I mentioned to her on our call earlier this week that I want the letter of NC. I don't recall her exact response, but it was something along the lines of "ok if that is what you need."

Do I push for it this weekend? Or just let it sit for a while?

[Starsky309]

A boundary repeated is a boundary weakened, I always say.