I live 45 minutes from where I work so I texted him. He said "no problem".
Done. Pressure off!
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
So, after work I went to the book store, a Barnes and Noble with a Starbucks inside. I got a book and had some soup and read for a while before going home to see what the "box of stuff" that was being delivered was.
You know what BF dropped off here? A broken guitar he knows I haven't played in FOREVER -- he bought me a new one for my birthday like three years ago -- and a plastic grocery bag with some cat nip and a bag of cat treats that had been in the cupboard for ages.
These things he could have easily discarded. They did not need to be brought to me, at all. OH my god, it makes me laugh.
I will not mind read as to why he felt the need to return these things to me but a text of, "Do you want this stuff returned or shall I do away with them?" would have been logical.
Hahahahah! Oh my.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I texted after a while and thanked him for the drop off, saying it was great of him and much appreciated.
Now there's officially no reason for us to talk. Period.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Oh, I hope he does. Truly. Maybe because he misses me, even.
Wishful thinking on my part.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Hey Little, oh I have to laugh when your stories are so similar to mine. The "urgent" pick up and drop offs that are all about nothing... this has been my life the last few months. I even dropped off something else with him last night!
Your BF will certainly be coming up with another reason to communicate.
I agree that it is good to seem busy and be out when he wants to drop off or pick up. That is what I did with my H and he started to get really desperate with his urgent item exchanges. He insisted that I be there to "exchange" because the items were so important. (not) I felt that unless he actually asked to see ME and didn't just come up with an excuse, I would avoid him.
Five months in my H still uses things I might have of his or that he has of mine to remain in contact. Yet later on when we do hang out he never brings the items he has of mine. Suddenly they are not so urgent.
I know your BF will come up with some reason to stay in contact.
Weekend plans are in order, a fair balance of "out" time with friends and "me time" for my sanity.
Trying hard today to remember I'm blessed in so many ways I take for granted -- such as my health and the fact I opened my eyes this morning.
Also trying to remember that no matter how much I love BF, his choice wasn't me/us. It may or may not ever be, but for now, stop worrying.
Happy Friday, kiddies.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
I agree with sandi. Initially people spend a lot of time here, trying to wrap their heads around what has happened to them, and, sad to say, searching for the elusive "Magic Bullet" that, if they implement it "just right", will fix their marriage.
Or maybe they're just looking for some hope, and hope is here in abundance. Maybe just not in the form you'd like it to be.
This is the best place to vent and to talk through difficult times without having to test them out on our spouses.
Jim, in your case, do whatever you can to stop taking responsibly for your wife's feelings. HER FEELINGS ARE HER BUSINESS. If she is unhappy, with life, or with you, it's not your problem right now.
She doesn't want to be your wife at the moment. Or thinks she doesn't want to be. Which means your role with her has CHANGED.
You are not her rescuer, nor are you her emotional support. Let OM rescue her!
That said, always be upbeat, busy, kind, and friendly to your wife. There is no need to be cold or distant.
But end the conversations first, don't ask questions, don't nitpick, think of her as someone who really can't have empathy for you right now.
Let your actions speak. You're GALing, you're busy with the children--you're friendly to her ON A LIMITED BASIS.
She doesn't get unlimited access to you and your soul while she is giving herself to another. It doesn't work that way, and it's time she figured that out.
You can't tell her this, she'll just have to glean it from your interactions.
Again. NOT curt. Not cold. Not indifferent. But all you need to do is listen to her and let you know you heard her. Validate. Don't fix! And you don't need to listen ad nauseum, either.
Use Zues's 80% rule: Whatever warmth she gives out, give back 80%. That will keep you from creating too much distance, but will not come off as pursuit, either.
And don't reassure her, either. Surely she knows you love her, that you're incredibly hurt, and you don't want this.
Sadly, at this point, she doesn't really care all that much. She will only begin to care when she sees that you are moving forward in your life and that the changes you make are permanent.
She will likely keep checking that you're still neatly in place so she can go off to play, confident that you're keeping her seat warm.
It when she looks back and sees you're not there putting your life on hold, that she will feel the pinch that you might not wait forever.
Again, actions. No need to say a word.
Keep up the good work!
---(G)GGG
I want this here!!!
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
One of my 180s was to get out of the house more. I used to choose to stay in most nights and on the weekend, preferring to read and decompress with "alone time" or just hanging out at home.
I think BF did a number on me regarding this, because even though I've been out to dinner twice this week and hung out at a friend's house once and had other activities going on, I feel guilty for being at home on a Friday night and listening to music while reading.
There's a weird ball of discomfort in my gut.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
