Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
i'm happy to read an update. i was thinking about you the other day. i'm glad to hear you're doing well. nothing much to say at the moment.. just that i wish i was more up to date with everyone. i miss you.. bugsy.. oh so many...
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
Miss you too! I saw you on CES's thread and was like "BF! BF is back!" I miss those bizarre late night conversations that were always so funny.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
H texted me today to see if I could meet him at the bike store to finish my birthday present bike adjustment. No notice as usual, but I was available. I had mixed up feelings about riding back and forth in the car with him and letting him spend money on me. Went anyway, because I feel like it would kill me to be rude or cause him to feel bad, and I was appreciative and even smiled at him, probably the first time I've smiled AT him in years. It was an effort, but I thought he was trying very hard to be a good guy and expected to have that acknowledged. I know why I'm like this, and at least my instincts told me up front to have an uncomfortable feeling about it, but I still squelch them to behave as others expect me to.
Anyway, it was thoughtful of him. On the way to the bike shop I mentioned I was taking the kids to the beach tomorrow and he handed me money to spend there. Again, unexpected, weird, appreciated, but weird. Of course, I'll accept any money he's offering for the good of the kids.
Back home he came in and sat at the kitchen table, facing away from me, for a while. I started dinner, asked if he wanted water and he did not. He was there what seemed like a long time. I thought maybe he had something he wanted to say. I felt uncomfortable. He then left.
I had a nice talk with my wonderful friend later to sort out my feelings. I feel vulnerable because even though I have significantly raised my standards of how I will be treated, and even though I have some firm ideas about what approaching me for reconciliation should look like, and even though I know that if he ever did it would be a long road and a long shot whether it would be successful...I'm still vulnerable to feeling like if he's being nice maybe that means something. I don't want it to, and I don't want to reconcile at this point, and I don't think he does either, so the irrelevance of my thought pattern makes me feel mixed up. The less he's around trying to look like a good guy, the less mixed up I am.
I'm way more sure of myself, assertive, and confident around anyone else, but my borders around him are shaky. It still bothers me that he wants to act like nothing happened, and like he's a wonderful guy who just doesn't happen to live with us. It doesn't feel authentic to me, and I've been trying to be more authentic after a lifetime of feeling pressure to be what's expected. And, well, I'm still mad that he left even if it turned out to be doing us a favor.
Anyway, too much thinking about non-issues. This just stirred up the mud at the bottom of my serenity. I know it'll settle back and be forgotten in a day or two.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
i know. no mater how screwed up the situation is.. no matter how much the WAS has hurt us.. the boundaries are a little fuzzy at times because in the end, there was once that lovely life. when you felt loved.. when you dropped your guard and was vulnerable.. when you started a family.. it's hard.
but i look at how far you have come.. and the amazing woman that your are.. honestly, i have always admired how you have handled things. you are a testament of coming out on top.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hi DBers. I've been busy, as usual, and getting on with life. My parents have needed help with a few medical issues, which was stressful for all of us and left my kids to their own devices more than I'd have liked. Right now they're well.
I stay centered as much as possible by making time for music and exercise, and escape to good books. I feel pretty good. So that catches me up to this week's adventure.
I joined a meetup that used to be a singles but is now a couples/singles/whatever group, and my goal was to get up the nerve to go out, all by myself, and meet some of these people at a happy hour so I can have a group of acquaintances to hear live music with. It was intimidating/fun to get out of my comfort zone and meet some new people.
But - a guy who had met me once before was there asking me very personal direct questions about my marriage, what happened and what the details of our separation are. (As a lawyer, just to be helpful, of course.) I was not prepared, and wasn't happy with how I responded. I let bitterness come out, and portrayed H pretty negatively. I would be sorry and embarrassed if my words made their way back to him. I need to work on my filter and some pat answers for people who really don't have a reason to know my personal life story.
Q: What happened? A: I honestly don't know. I think one day my H woke up and decided he didn't want to be a husband and father anymore. Q: Does he share custody? A: No, he basically only comes over if I have to go away on business. Q: How did the kids take it? A: They're mad, they can't stand him right now.
These are definitely a version of the truth, but I also know it's more complicated than that. I don't think badmouthing him does me justice. It's not who I am.
I also should have exerted better control over what questions I chose to answer in such detail. It reminds me of work I did with IC early on in my sitch (self awareness and boundaries). Apparently when out drinking with strangers, I forget.
So I'm back to the stage of realizing after-the-fact and need to work my way back up to asserting in-the-moment.
At least after this unfortunate start, I got back to the group and met a few people who I'd be glad to see at another event. I'll call it a good learning experience.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
