Newcomer With Hope (2)

[Little]

I settled for, "Ahaha! [Cat's nickname]-bee! Yeah, my weekend was very busy, but fun!"

No response, who knows if he'll bother. LOL

Purposefully didn't ask him about his weekend in return, too.

[labug]

Thanks for the help and support.

I really enjoy doing things I love -- spending time alone, reading, sleeping in on weekends, without having someone tell me I'm a "buzzkill" because I don't have 29343 projects going on and I don't like to be out of the house all day after a full week of work.

I think, this winter, I'm going to take up knitting/crocheting. I've always wanted to and for a while I knew how to knit, but I forgot from lack of use.


Anyway, BF and I are like a week into NC. Still going strong, as far as want to contact him.

Have you seen the TED talk by Susan Cain? Quiet: The Power of Introverts

Introverts Unite!
Separately, in their own houses

[Little]

I will look into it, Labug! Introversion is something hard to understand by extroverts. LOL


Now, I'm wondering if I should have ignored BF's text. He did end up replying and we laughed at my joke about the cat, but that was it. It was a short conversation. However...I told him a while ago I didn't want to be friends.

I'm not going to mind-read his reason for text me after a couple of days of silence, but if he keeps sending friendly texts and I keep answering, what does it show him?

My point in saying I didn't want to be friends was that he's making a choice that's not me. He's moving on with his life without me, and sleeping with someone else...if not in an R with her.

I don't want to be his friend. I want more. Being in his life and being "his friend" is going to hurt me. That's why I went dark. If he wants me in his life, he needs to decide to put me there. As more than cake.

At the same time....if we're not in contact......

Anyone have advice on this? I'm confused and could use some more brains to help me puzzle it out.

[Mozza]

Hopefully, you'll get a vet to weigh on this, but here's my take from someone in a similar situation.

My W was hoping we'd be more cordial, as we'll have to deal with the kids for the next 15 years or so (I was short and delayed, or even silent). At first, I was afraid she'd be using me to have a successful separation. But then I heard from vets asking me what exactly was my plan if I wasn't going to be in touch with her (remember the strollergate?). It made me realize that if I could be a positive presence in my W's life, it was already a step in the right direction. That I would be there, in a good place, when things weren't so good with OM.

My take is that your BF is not going to go from WAH to BF just because you refuse to be in touch with him. He'll be interested in you again if you're the positive presence in his life, just as his OW becomes less exciting, more controlling, more annoying, etc. Work on your 180, use opportunities to show him your changes, don't be a doormat. But don't hide in hope of teaching him a lesson and making him come back begging. As I realized in my own sitch: if it's over with OW, it doesn't mean he'll be back with you. How can you increase the chances that you'll be next in line? By being silent?

That's just my thinking tonight.

[Little]

Vets?

[Little]

Was thinking about this, figured I'd get my thoughts down:

My take is that your BF is not going to go from WAH to BF just because you refuse to be in touch with him.

That's not why I went dark. I went dark because I don't want to be his friend, I want to be his GF again. Watching him have a life without me (and maybe moving on with someone else) is painful to me. Going dark means I don't have to watch and can focus on me and only me.

I really don't think there's anything I can actively do that will "make" him come back. He's got to come to that on his own. The best I can do is work on me for me.

He'll be interested in you again if you're the positive presence in his life, just as his OW becomes less exciting, more controlling, more annoying, etc.

Maybe, maybe not. I don't know if this is true, in general.

[Little]

Also, another reason I chose not to be his friend is because I don't want him thinking our situation is okay with me. I don't want to give the impression that if we're buddy-buddy and texting all the time, that the ways he hurt me are forgotten about and okay with me and we can pretend our past never happened.

I'll forgive him and I have no score card on the matter going forward, but he did cheat and it wasn't okay. I do want an R with him, not a friendship. He made his choices and the consequence was losing me; as a friend or otherwise.

I don't know. Just thinking out loud.

[labug]

Also, another reason I chose not to be his friend is because I don't want him thinking our situation is okay with me. I don't want to give the impression that if we're buddy-buddy and texting all the time, that the ways he hurt me are forgotten about and okay with me and we can pretend our past never happened.

So you want to teach him a lesson or are you doing NC for your peace of mind?

I'll forgive him and I have no score card on the matter going forward, but he did cheat and it wasn't okay. I do want an R with him, not a friendship. He made his choices and the consequence was losing me; as a friend or otherwise.

I don't know. Just thinking out loud.

That sounds great, if in fact that's where you are.

[Little]

Yeah, I guess I'm conflicted. I don't know.

Blah.

[Little]

I guess I'm confused as to what I should be doing now, other than getting a life and moving forward on my own.

Do I stay dark with BF or be friends to be in his life, period?