Newcomer With Hope (2)

[Bunches]

I struggled with this a lot early in my sitch. Try not to make knee jerk reactions if you can help it. I've done the thing where you make up your mind about something and then change it later, which only makes you look indecisive / weak and also just proves it was done for a response instead of for you. If you are trying to decide whether or not you can be friends, base that decision off your needs. Can you manage this without it hurting you?

Also, can you even make that decision today? I made a lot of decisions early on that had the best of intentions but weren't about my needs. If you don't know what those are yet, then its okay to be quiet until you do know.

Just my opinion.

[Little]

Anyone have some positivity I can borrow? PMA is low again.

[labug]

Yeah, I guess I'm conflicted. I don't know.

Blah.

Have you figured this out?

[Little]

Yeah, I guess I'm conflicted. I don't know.

Blah.

Have you figured this out?

I love him as a person and like having him in my life, even if it's just a silly text now and then. He was my best friend for 8 years and I miss all that's associated.

But right now I think contact with him makes me pine for him too much, in terms of wanting to be in an R with him.


I guess, for now, I'll stay dark and continue to let him come to me first.

[labug]

Sounds like a great answer.

[Little]

Thanks. It feels "right".

So glad I have IC today.

[LisaB]

Hi Little, as you know I am in a very similar situation. And I too struggle with the same questions you have. It is easier not to be "friends" with the ex, and gives you some peace of mind not having to think about how to reply to his contact, then feel sad when you don't hear from him, and have to be a part of his new life with OW or whatever.

I questioned this board a lot about whether I should be friendly or not. I waffled back and forth myself and tested out different methods. I still have not figured it out. But I will tell you what I have discovered so far.

Being "dark" will make it a bit easier for you and will probably make him miss you. But then what?

He obviously misses you in his life. As you said you have been best friends for 8 years, and he misses that too. But does he miss you enough that he will beg to be reunited with you? Maybe, but probably not. Just my guess. Probably he will wonder what you are up to, have you moved on? He will want to see you or talk to you to find out. And then he will want to think about how he feels about you now.

I think we need to be just friendly enough that the door is open a crack. Friendly doesn't mean best friends. I think the 80% rule is smart, you know about that already? Respond to him in a positive and friendly way, don't initiate, and be 80% as warm to him as he is to you. If he starts to have second thoughts he will then feel more comfortable coming to you rather than if you are cold and distant and have made a line in the sand that he shouldn't bother you unless he wants a relationship.

I do admire your stance and your honesty with him. I just don't know if a hard boundary might make it more difficult for him to get closer to you if he is having second thoughts. Also being friendly and keeping communication open is a good way to show him your 180s and any good changes that are happening with you.

But if you need to pull back for your own sanity then by all means that is what you should do!

And I always check your thread to see what secrets you may have uncovered that I can use as well!

I hope your appt with the IC is helpful!
Hugs, Lisa

[Mozza]

I struggle with this too and, as you know, lean a bit towards friendliness.

I like LisaB's advice on the 80% rule. It's a good default. Also she's right: it can help our sanity not to be in touch. Less stuff to analyze. I can cry 20 minutes for the lamest text (now it's more: fret for 3 hours, then reply, the regret what I replied).

Let me try a different method: if you had to plan it, how much interaction would you include for the next three months? It could help you explore your question from a different perspective than the elusive present. Perhaps you'll think "Once a day is a bit too much". Would you say twice a week? Once a month?

Another one: What is your reconciliation scenario? How do you imagine that things would happen if you were to reconcile? Do you see friendship along the way? A sudden change of heart? Another road that is not friendship? Do you see steps or phases? Ups and downs? It could help you think whether friendship is part of your scenarios. I know that it's very comforting that my WAW is following the scenario I had for her as soon as she left, even if it involves an OM. You might feel better as you go through certain phases because you'll know it's part of the plan.

Hope this helps.

(and I follow your sitch too, and that of Maybell and LisaB, because, through all the pain, there's so much human warmth in them.)

[Little]

I think we need to be just friendly enough that the door is open a crack. Friendly doesn't mean best friends. I think the 80% rule is smart, you know about that already? Respond to him in a positive and friendly way, don't initiate, and be 80% as warm to him as he is to you. If he starts to have second thoughts he will then feel more comfortable coming to you rather than if you are cold and distant and have made a line in the sand that he shouldn't bother you unless he wants a relationship.

This is wonderful and so helpful. Thank you so much for your thoughts, because this gives me such peace of mind. I love it.

Big hugs!

[Little]

(and I follow your sitch too, and that of Maybell and LisaB, because, through all the pain, there's so much human warmth in them.)

Aw! Thanks!