Trying to stay patient- part 7

[Mozza]

Care to elaborate? I'm curious. I wonder if it's a misunderstanding or a real disagreement.

Maybe I'm misreading but to me it sounded like it's all the LBS's fault.

You read that correctly. I'm not sure it's the truth, but I suggest it's the most useful angle right now. We can say "My WAW lied and there's no excuse for it." but we can also ask "Why did she lie?" Is she a compulsive liar? Perhaps. But in my case, I see that my W was cornered in a place where she wasn't receiving the love she needed, much like she needs water. I had trapped her and would deny her thirst and water. Then she saw someone with water. Her pleas to me had fallen on deaf ears, so she started by taking a sip, it tasted good and it grew into the full-blown R that she has with OM now. She had a choice to let me know early, lose her access to OM and likely be shut down even more by me or at least return to the dry land of our M. Why wouldn't she do what she needed to fulfill her emotional needs? It's survival. Wouldn't you lie to your jailer to get out of jail? I was no longer a lover to her, I was her emotional prison warden. I'm not sure I can call that selfish.

I'm honestly curious. What's your angle? Never lie, whatever the reasons?

[sandi2]

I think I know what you are saying Mozza, but I had to read it a couple of times. At first, I had the same reaction as Drew. Maybe b/c you said something about the LBH needing to prove he could be trusted, and being worthy of her. I think it may be in how you worded it?

[Mozza]

I think I know what you are saying Mozza, but I had to read it a couple of times. At first, I had the same reaction as Drew. Maybe b/c you said something about the LBH needing to prove he could be trusted, and being worthy of her. I think it may be in how you worded it?

It's possible. As you know, English is not my first language. But I do mean that the LBH needs to be trusted, not in the sense that he'll tell the truth about his whereabouts, but that he'll provide to his W what she needs, as he promised in his wedding vows. In my case, my W stopped trusting that I would connect with her and encourage her. She gave up on me. My actions spoke louder than my words.

So, instead of being outraged that my W lied to me, I realize that she did it for her own survival. That my breaking the trust with her is what lead her to start lying to me in order to secure the supply of love she wasn't getting from me. What else am I supposed to expect from her? Starvation? It's not like she didn't try to tell me before.

I use my sitch as an example, but I hope it provides some inspiration for others.

[Little]

So, instead of being outraged that my W lied to me, I realize that she did it for her own survival. That my breaking the trust with her is what lead her to start lying to me in order to secure the supply of love she wasn't getting from me. What else am I supposed to expect from her? Starvation? It's not like she didn't try to tell me before.

I think I disagree with this. There's a big difference in understanding what lead someone to lie (and/or cheat) and feeling like your spouse didn't have a choice. There's always a choice and morally, lying and cheating is never it.

People make mistakes, yes, but I think what you've laid out in your words is too much like enabling or it being "okay" to me.

[Wonka]

For real, you MUST go dark on W. Will you listen to us??

Wonka, do you suggest this because you still think I want to save my marriage, even though I've set up the dissolution appt next week? I'm just curious as to how I come across. I admit I do still have conflicted feelings, but feel that D is inevitable at this point.

Tar...I suggested that because YOU are being raked over the coals by W's complete disregard for the M. You need to remove yourself from her. I did not suggest a D...mind you!

W doesn't feel the loss at all because you're still right behind her legs like a young puppy who follows his master everywhere.

[Tarheel]

W picked the kids up earlier, planning on talking them to meet her grandparents for lunch 2 hrs away. D10 didn't want to go, so I told her she could stay home. She was wanting a friend to spend the night with her at W's condo. W said if she didn't go, she couldn't have the sleepover. D10 comes back in the house in tears, so I tell her she can have a sleepover at the house if she didn't want to go. Get the following text as W leaves the house (she didn't come inside, we didn't interact)-
'She doesn't get a choice.she is a kid. I am her mother. I get to see her.since you won't back me on this, I'll make sure the court does.'

180 for me- didn't reply at all. I'm sure I'll get another nasty email/text later. I'm tempted to cancel my atty apt this week and make W do all the work.

[Zues126]

Wow. See my thread too. What's with these WAS's hitting the doomsday button as a kneejerk?

By the way, I sent my mom an email talking about what I was going through. She replied:

"She is not living in reality. She is not responding as a rational, thoughtful person. Her reply sounds like a game, like she still thinks she is in control of some show she is putting on. She hasn't figured out that this is real life. Stay the course. You are not doing anything sneaky. Just trying to make positive steps through the **** she is throwing at you."

My best friend said he agreed with this 100%.

Just a reminder for me how far out there the WAS's can get. Particularly when they are drinking excessively, depressed, etc.

Good job not engaging!!!

[Georgiabelle]

Tarheel,

I think you did the right thing by not responding. Mmmmmmmm. Let me see if I can phrase this next part appropriately with sounding like I have a 2x4. (Hate those things and I know I need them frequently). I do think it appears you undermined your W's time with D. I understand your d didn't want to go (I deal with this all of the time) and I have always told my kids that it's good for them to spend time with their dad. I have also told them when they told me they were going to refuse to go that they need to tell their Dad. In the spirit of candor, initially their Dad would text me that they were children and had no choice. He then decided they couldn't be forced as my s11and D9 are almost my size and I could not physically make them go.

Perhaps a better way to handle it would have been to tell D that you were sorry about the sleepover and that she needed to talk things out with her mom. She is 10 so she should honestly have these types of conversations with her mom. They can't be forced, although you do need to be careful with how you handle interactions and their time with your w. My xh will actually ask if it's okay for the kids because he knows I have them around 90% of the time. I try to be very flexible because I want what is best for my little peeps. I do believe deep down my xh feels the same. We just don't talk :-)

Let things transpire. Your kids need both parents. However, the reality is each parent will have different capacities although they both love the kids. Focus on you and be a great dad.

[Zues126]

Georgia, you have valid points...but at the same time to jump from a parenting discrepancy to a heavy handed threat is WAY more out of line than stepping on someone's toes. I'm glad you point out your way of looking at it and agree co-parenting with a WAS deserves special consideration, but I can speak from experience that with some WAS's no matter how careful you are they will find a reason to be resentful and outraged no matter what. I can PROMISE you I have walked on eggshells for 5 months and been way to accommodating yet in her mind she's still the victim and I'm the abuser, and she is ready to go to war to protect herself from my perceived offenses.

[Zues126]

But REGARDLESS of WAS's reactions you're right...do what you know is the right thing to do. Her behavior doesn't excuse poor behavior back either. Do your best. No more. No less.