still holding on - 5

[u-turn]

My old thread is about to lock so I thought I'd start a new one

Link to end of old thread #4
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2503106#Post2503106


and it seems I am entering a new chapter anyway.


From Sandi2

This is a major challenge for you. Perhaps you do the same thing in other relationships.

As a former WAW, I can assure you that pressure will not work on her. Training yourself to interact without pressure or emotional blackmail will be work for you. She is not going to work "with" you on the MR until you do this work on yourself.

Anytime the LBS is improving themselves......there is progress!

Thanks Sandi - I never though of myself as adding pressure to anyone, especially my W, but maybe I am just blind to it.

Anyway,
W told me yesterday that I should file for divorce and if I don't, she is going to. She is prepared to dissolve our marriage now.

This morning the same. She wants to proceed this way and asked me how I though I wanted to do it, through lawyers or an amicable split (no fault). She said that she is taking "the fall" for this. She says she knows it is her fault.

I am not shocked by this nor really upset (and that concerns me - after all my emotion, when the words are actually spoken, they had little effect on me).

I am just processing this right now.

I did tell her that I did not want to divorce, but I will not stand in her way.

[u-turn]

I think she is starting to feel drained by this now. She slept most of the day yesterday after lunch. She is going through a lot of different emotional swings - she'll be friendly one minute, then storm out of the room angry about something.

I know she was looking at some old letters that I had given her from months ago. I also saw evidence that she was going through my phone over the weekend.

She woke up last night, and I was laying there awake. I said to her that I wished that this all was just a nightmare. She said that she did too.

This morning she as I was leaving, I said bye, have a good day and she grabbed me and gave me a long hug. I hugged her too, but left quickly after that. I was a little upset and wanted to make a clean exit.

I am trying to keep my distance, not to pursue and trying not to show her any negative emotions.

She is scheduled to go out of town to visit family in FL this weekend and into next week. I am planning things to do with the kids. I usually hope that the time away with her family will give her some clarity, but I've been let down by that before (no expectations this time).

[mindsin]

Seems to me like she's very emotional right now and very torn, and has a lot of self-pity and guilt. Maybe she feels that going through the finality of divorce is a way out of her emotional turmoil.

First, I would back way off. Just give her time and space.

I would prolong it as long as you can. If she wants divorce (assuming you don't), then let her do all the work. I wouldn't even talk about it, as long as she understands that you don't want divorce. If she's not sure of your stance, then you can make it clear to her next time she brings it up.

[u-turn]

Part of me thinks that - this is actually good, she is actually feeling something, this is actually movement. She may see that this cannot work this way as a permanent way of life. She hasn't shown much emotion through all of this.

I have a feeling that she does not really want a divorce but thinks that there is no other solution to this mess. I could be wrong about this though.

I know ultimately I don't want to get a divorce, I am true to my vows, and I still believe that we can move forward.

I've said that I do not want to divorce, and I think she understood that, but that's something that I often am not sure of (whether or not I was clear enough when I say something).

I would like to bring up the possibility of MC with her first - though I know that would be a waste of time if she is not ready.

[Zues126]

Don't bring up counseling. I've never heard of any WAS saying 'that's a great idea, maybe we can work through our issues', then apply themselves and live happily ever after.

Bringing it up says you aren't validating her feelings of being done. It says you think she's the problem and if you can fix her it will all be ok. It says you're trying to control her.

Not how you mean it, just how a WAS takes it.

[u-turn]

Thanks for your insight zues - I can see how she could take it that way. I thought of MC as a way to help us, but she may feel that it's just against her.

[PeterV2]

Best to just wait until she get's back from FL to see where her head is at. In the mean time be happy. (Force a smile and it will inject endorphins into your bloodstream.)

[u-turn]

It was a very quiet week. We have had very little conversation, aside from a little work stuff. Another week of her not doing much for the kids.

S17 is getting a little fed up with her bad moods and her treatment of me. I explained a little about it - told him not to worry about me and don't think it is at all about the kids. He knows this.

She did wake up the night before last and tell me of a dream she had about her grandfather, she was crying a little - he passed away this summer and she was very close to him (as was I).

She is going to FL to spend the weekend with her aunts and cousins who she is also close with. I'm taking her to the airport this afternoon. This brings back some bad feelings in me too (this is where I called her out on having the A, this is where she left to several times this spring and summer, this is the family that I love too that she is excluding me from again). I've had expectations that she would come back as a changed person when she'd go away before. This look of "are you better now" when she'd come home really bothered her. I have no expectations this time.

I am in a MUCH better mental and emotional place this time and am looking forward to spending time alone with the kids. I have a hiking day planned if the weather holds out. Some welding with S17, and a concert with D14.

[u-turn]

I had a great and filled weekend with the kids and they have seen that I am ok. No moping, all fun (this is much different than the other times she left). I think they know I have been happier when she is not around . I was thinking that I should have some kind of deep conversation with them about their mom and I, but I decided to let it go and just have fun with them.

I am worried that I am feeling better and happier when she is gone. That doesn't seem right to me. I should miss her - but I don't. I want to miss her because that's what should happen.

She did text me and call me a couple times this weekend, just to say hi and I have kept my responses friendly and short. I sent her a picture of the kids hiking.

W comes back tomorrow night and I am going to keep my good attitude and TRY to not have expectations of a changed person coming home.

[u-turn]

Since W came back from her trip, it has been nothing but icy. No communication, not even a look in the eyes.

I'm trying to keep my PMA (and giving her back 80%). I think this is different than usual too. I usually ask about her family, her trip, how everything was. She is not starting any conversations. She has not asked about our weekend either.

I'm volunteering to work at my D14 swim meet tonight - hoping to meet some of the other swim parents. I have usually stayed in the background when it comes to things like this. I am usually not the one to initiate this kind of interaction (though my inner introvert is a little anxious). I think it will be good for me - since I have 4 more years of high school swimming ahead. I love watching my kids swim.