Jim0987 #5 - working on cat like readiness

[jim0987]

I've thought about lots of fancy words and such describing the kind of life I want and what I'm going to be doing differently but actually the short version of what I want to say is 'I'm going to have a good life, I know what I want from it and I know what I need to do to be able to have that life. I would rather it was with you but if you want something different that's fine I'm not going to stop you. I just want you to know that to me none of what has happened is insurmountable and so if you still want the same kind of life we always wanted then don't be afraid to let me know.'

She seems less cross these days but its been replaced with complete disinterest and false civility. Unfriendly coworker is a better description

[Vanilla]

She has this nailed in terms of being really happy about leaving and minimal courtesy toward me. Its obviously what she really wants and there is no hint of doubt or remorse - if anything its getting more certain. DBg might be helping me but I don't think its done anything to improve my chances of saving my R (unless I'm doing it really wrong).

Jim
I agree this is the long long long self development plan.
Limmerance lasts only as long as the spotlight evades. Once reality hits, the love light dies. It can't survive, but it takes time and more time.
In the meanwhile you are becoming the H only a fool will leave.

My dad is amazing at 93 but he has his flaws, as all dads do, but yours seems to have love in his heart. As a man of that generation he may have learned that judgement is a masculine trait. Well done on your interaction, I know you will have enforced this boundary with gentleness.

Sleep well
Vanilla

[jim0987]

I had to look up Limmerance...

My dad does have love in his heart i know that is just i really dont like the way he shows it though after spending time with him i realise how much pain he carries around. He is very lucky that his wife (been together 25 years - as an affair for the first 7 years) is so patient with him and supportive of him.

generally ok interaction this morning although as always a little tense and I couple of times i had to do the 'I wasnt making trying to make a point' dance. Its the tension that means its so eggshell like - I need to get past this.

My W found out about my trip to paris. I said something aboout the training course I was delivering today and my D3 said 'is that the train that goes underwater to paris?' i answered her 'No XXXXX, a training course, I'm teaching people. im going on that train on friday' - my W then asked if i was going to paris and i said yes. she then asked if there was a reason and i changed the subject - didnt want to point out that its our wedding anniversary at the weekend.

I left not long after that although on my way out i said 'bye bye family, I love you all' automatically but genuinely and I saw my W cringe a little.


I continue to think about what i would like to say to my wife as though thats going to change anything but actually i looked at it and felt that in someways if i remove a couple of paragraphs (still in the I love you and heres why territory) its a good statement to how i'm actually feeling about the future, but actually its the last line which i think is the probably the most important for me so ive put it here.


Above all I'm accepting myself for who I am so that I can have the happy, meaningful and fulfilling life I want.

[jim0987]

So some new bits of information for me tonight some open some intel

- OM is back on which explains why W is much happier and more distant than last week (apparently he TM to say he realised he'd made a mistake by saying no)
- apparently she likes him because he is the tall dark macho rugby type - basically opposite of me and a lot like most of her ex's (this was always a sore point because I made a lot of comments about this over the years - its something I felt quite insecure about)
- poisonous friend is over at my house this weekend while I'm away (not happy about her being in my house but if I say anything I look petty and controlling)
- W has bought stuff for kids Christmas presents just from her (including everything D3 has said she wants).
- SIL had bought D3 presents that are of the kind we always agreed (at least I thought we had) that we didn't want for D3. SIL is very selfish and controlling, always has been. W always does what SIL says and I know SIL has encouraged the A (saw the TM 7 weeks or so ago)
- W is taking some time off to start getting ready for the house move so she is full steam ahead on that.
- W is annoyed that I haven't told her who I'm going to Paris with but equally she hasn't asked.


So all in all my assessment is that she sees me as weak needy and pathetic and therefore not worthy of her but if I actually standing up to her I'm manipulative and controlling. No possibility of me being seen in a good light and based on her track record that won't change.

I'm sorry if this is a really inappropriate question but from what I know I am at least partner number 18 for her of which at least 7 lasted more than 6 months. She was 27 when we got together and im just wondering if that is a lot? Or more specifically am I on a hiding to nothing because its all about new relationship buzz for her.

In other news I started a kickboxing class tonight and so now my feet are sore. But it was good fun and for the hour I didn't think about anything other than the class.

I also bought a new suit and it looks good. (I've lost about 8kgs since BD and I was small to start with)

[jim0987]

I realise that was a dreadful question to ask. And its that kind of stupid thinking and poor filtering that got me into this mess. Please accept my apologies.

[Ggrass]

I dunno, she could have plenty to choose from and she choose you.

My h only really chose me when he had nothing else important on. Often he could not find time to spend with me, unless it involved activities or $ex or some form if pupplic acoulades.

Made me feel very small and unwanted. Did you choose her, at times when she really needed you?

When a choice need to be made did you out her needs first at times?
When things are lop sided and the op feels like they are not your priority by your actions then yes it can cause drama it did in our case. Every thing came first.

I always had to beg, in the end even for $ex to get a refusal most times.

[jim0987]

That's sounds more like what she has said in the past. Where it is different is that there was very little sex (a lot to do witg pregnancy and young kids) and I had to basically beg her to make time for us as a couple.

But on reflection in other ways she did always put me first. I was always trying agree rather than saying through my actions 'you are my priority'

Her chief complaint is that I always let her down when she needed me. (Miscarriage scare, homesick, Dad dying, being lonely, struggles with S1) Lots if occasions when I chose the wrong thing, work prior social commitment etc. And equally plenty where I did what she said but I failed to read between the lines to do what she actually wanted.

Equally lots of occasions when I did exactly the right thing but in truth it was usually when she asked and was clear about what she wanted or with things that she never knew about (social plans etc.). I never really figured out those occasions when I should have just known or I became hesitant and uncertain about what to do and so retreated and did some silly act of service (safer than opening up)

She wants and respects strength and someone who will protect and look after her. I never really showed that I instead showed weakness, inadequacy, deference and resentment.

I keep looking for other explanations but I do know its this at the core and I can't see how it comes back from that many failures. I had a lot of chances and when it really mattered I messed up.


Don't think there is really anything I can do to correct this well established view if me.

[GoatGal]

Jim,

"So all in all my assessment is that she sees me as weak needy and pathetic and therefore not worthy of her but if I actually standing up to her I'm manipulative and controlling."

You need to clarify the differences between being weak/needy/pathetic/not worthy (Really? Did you actually say that about yourself? Do you believe that cr*p? Do you think she really does? She married you, didn't she? I think that qualifies as "Stinkin' Thinkin'"!!!!)
and
BEING A MAN OF INTEGRITY AND STRENGTH.

Standing up to her is NOT "manipulative and controlling". She may try and convince you that it is, because it's not what she wants you to do.

She is going to try and get you to back down by guilting you for standing up for yourself. You have no apologies to make on that count.

Manipulative/Controlling is trying to get her to do things or act a certain way.

Standing up for yourself is removing yourself from situations that are disrespectful or harmful to you.

You take the action. She need only continue to do as she pleases.
That's enforcing your boundaries, which are essential for a healthy relationship of any kind.



"No possibility of me being seen in a good light and based on her track record that won't change."

Ummm... says WHO, exactly?
Her "track record". You mean that she'd had some people in her life before you?

I'm sorry, but it sounds as though you're grasping at straws in your attempt to make sense of her behavior. You're trying to wrap your head around it.
I get it, I do. I did the same. Still do on occasion.

But it will get you nowhere as far as feeling better about yourself, your life, and what you can control.

That's not to say you shouldn't put some thought into her past, your past, separately and together. It will shed light on many things as you go forward.

But don't try and play therapist with her. You're too over-involved, not to mention lacking the essential credentials. Even if were a psychologist/therapist, you wouldn't have the objectivity needed to assess and treat your wife.

So don't try it, OK?

Again, your focus goes back to her. It happens.

But when it does, get yourself busy with YOUR stuff, and let her do what she does. She's going to anyway.

As for the other complaints she had about you, if they have merit, work on those things. Rectify them and embody those changes permanently.

And don't hold your breath waiting for her to notice your changes and do an about face on her position. If and when that happens, it's not going to anytime soon.

Which is a good thing because the longer you can improve those things about yourself, the more they will become a part of you and you will maintain them naturally.

In the past, we ALL messed up one way or another. There's nothing to be done but learn from it and move forward. Do better. Be better.

But there is no gain from self-flagellation here. You weren't a perfect H, but I'm sure you weren't a monster, either.

You know more now, you have better tools, and if you're smart, then you'll continue to learn and grow for the rest of your life.

You're going to be better as a result of this experience if you use it as a vehicle for personal growth.

I know it doesn't look that way right now, but one day, you will see that it is true.

Hang in there, buddy,

---(G)GGG

[jim0987]

Good words of wisdom from you again GoatGal. Thank you

I'm really jackyll and Hyde about this in some ways. My me stuff is decent, my detaching terrible.

Positives from my focus on me:
- I'm better (not good) with boundaries
- I'm more emotionally open.
- my sarcasm is WAY down
- I'm slowing my reactions and keeping my defences more in line.
- I'm appreciating more of what is good
- I feel happier in who I am
- my GAL activities are keeping me busy.
- I'm checking all my work negativity at the door
- I'm less disparaging about myself
- open body language is feeling less weird
- I've struck up random conversations with strangers
- my PMA is more consistently P (though maybe that's not reflected here)

But making things all about me was never a problem for me, it truth it was my problem.

[Vanilla]

I realise that was a dreadful question to ask. And its that kind of stupid thinking and poor filtering that got me into this mess. Please accept my apologies.

Jim

You asked the question here, knowing that in reality this is a question you should not ask W. You checked and gave yourself the 4x2.
Good for you.

GG is right W chose you. OM is not her H, you are, and you love enough to know that limmerance doesn't last. Serotonin is in limited supply, bring on the oxytocin! Living on fondant cream gets sickening after a while. There things burn out, eventually every time.
Like a snowman in the Caribbean, OM will gradually evaporate.

Enjoy Paris, a beautiful city full of life, and GAL. PFs end up being poisoned, it is karma of the scorpion to sting.

The underwater train awaits........

Vanilla