So I'm in the middle of teaching a training course on crisis management and I've spent an hour talking about how are perception and biases and our emotional state can really affect us and how we can easily misinterpret others intent to see negativity when they mean well. As well as simple techniques to help manage this and not get defensive.
I then spent another 20 minutes talking about the differences between stated values and demonstrated values.
Difficult to hold it together when I'm thinking about what my Ws perception of my demonstrated values with regard to my marriage were. I'm pretty sure her perception was wrong though.
I %&*#?% teach this stuff and yet completely failed in my own personal life.
I am such a chump.
Last edited by jim0987; 11/18/1412:41 PM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Had a phrase stuck in my head since last night. I was something my wife said when I had my mini breakdown needing to know about her exes because I was doing negative comparisons (stupid I know)
She always said 'I kissed a lot if frogs, but I chose you'
Long time since she said anything like that.
I really had a good thing before but I didn't show or say this. I knew it so I assumed she knew it.
Last edited by jim0987; 11/18/1401:02 PM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Jim, how can you expect her to think better of you, when you can't think better of yourself? You reflect insecurity b/c that is how you think of yourself. You come on here and have these unhealthy pity parties and then cry over her wanting the opposite?
Your changes won't stick until you begin to believe you are a different man. Every time you gain a step, you shoot yourself down. You hurt yourself more than she ever could. Just like she could never make you feel worthy until you believe it about yourself. It is a tremendous turn-off for a woman to continually need to reassure her H.
Stop being this insecure puppy. It is extremely unattractive. You are better than this.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Difficult to hold it together when I'm thinking about what my Ws perception of my demonstrated values with regard to my marriage were. I'm pretty sure her perception was wrong though.
I %&*#?% teach this stuff and yet completely failed in my own personal life.
I am such a chump.
Jim You have Sandi, GG and Vanilla all asking you with 2x4 intent to give yourself a break. You can choose to move on and demonstrate to yourself that you can walk the talk or you can choose to stay stuck.
And as for completely failed, well really she married you! You have lovely children, you hold a job you talk about with energy. There are more than a few who would want that.
This can be a huge growth experience, the universe wants you to grow in this. Tarzan moves.......
Onwards and Upwards! Energy today
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/18/1404:21 PM. Reason: Grammar
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
So just to add to my pity party I asked my wife if we could talk about a couple of things (all logistical) and she said no - I then realised that today would have been her Dads birthday - the logistical stuff absolutely could have waited but I realised too late - more proof to her that I don't care.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Oh for crying out loud, Jim! Why is everything about you? Maybe the woman was grieving and didn't want to discuss anything. Get your head out of your a$$.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You're starting the get the 2 x 4's here and if you don't shape up, it may progress to whips and chains...
You need to work from your strengths and quit putting yourself down. Most everybody here is suffering, so the self-deprecating remarks really just grate on us.
If you screw up, recognize it, own it, then learn from it as you move forward.
But you are not responsible for everything that happens in your wife's world. As sandi said, "It's not all about you."
Try to stop taking things personally as far as your W's actions. And cut yourself a little slack.
Geez. Dad's birthday? Sorry, but it's not like you don't have an incredible amount of sh*t on your plate right now, served up by W herself.
And you're feeling guilty for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time? Cheezit. It's not like you were intentionally being insensitive.
You are trying to find "reason" why she does this and that, and usually looking to yourself as the source.
Most of the time, it HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
That's the hard thing for many newbies to grasp. Most of what our spouses are going through has little to do with us.
Sure, there are sitches where the LBS has screwed up big time, cheated, lied, gambled away the family fortune... lots of things. In that case, yes, it probably DOES have a whole lot to do with them.
But most of the time, there were no major deal-breaking actions that the LBS dealt to the marriage, just plenty of things to become aware of, and improve upon. Mostly, there was no adultery, abuse, financial indiscretions... the kind of things that no one should put up with long term in any R.
Often the LBS is guilty of things that, in countless other marriages, are part of the normal ups and downs of a R, and are reflections of people who are not perfect and who could benefit from some introspection, improved interpersonal skills, and a good dose of humility and selflessness.
So let's quit with the "I must s*ck so bad" attitude, shall we?
It's a turn-off for women, I can attest to that!
I have a friend who never gets any women to stay with him. You wanna know why?
It's because his idea of getting closer to someone involves him constantly putting himself down. I don't know if it's because he wants reassurance that he's not all the awful things he says about himself or what.
But the effect is, why would any woman want to be with someone who keeps telling them what a total loser he is?
It is a very unattractive quality. Pity/sympathy are NOT turn-ons for women. Quite the opposite.
Unless you're looking for a caretaker or a nurse.
--(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Sorry Jim for the highjack. Thanks GG, I needed that last post. Put that on your list of good deeds for today. It really helped me with some perspective
M:35 W 31 D's:6, 4 & 2 T:9 M:7 ILYBNILWY- Mar/14 DP Served Dec.17/14
Yes, thanks GoatGal. Friends who work with me have noticed that I tend to minimize my successes and much of my humor is based on self-deprecation. I used to tell my W that she was too good for me, that she was a perfect girl except she had terrible taste in men. I realized too late that it was a lot more exciting for me than for her. So I'm working on this.
Jim0987: It's not so hard. Sometimes we just need to keep our mouth shut. What you describe doing at work sounds quite impressive. Just say "Yes, some of it is" and move on.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
What does it say about a woman when you essentially tell her she chose a LOSER?
It tells her SHE is a loser by extension. Not a pretty picture, no matter how you slice it.
This doesn't mean you all need to go around pointing out your achievements and tooting your own horns, but you accept success and compliments gracefully, without the false humility. You can let your actions and accomplishments speak for themselves.
Instead of "Awww, shucks, it was really only because I was in the right place at the right time." try "I really did work hard, I'm glad it paid off. Thank you for recognizing it."
With a big warm smile and sincere thanks.
That speaks volumes to your confidence and shows you don't just get lucky and have success fall in your lap. You had a goal, you did the work, and you made it happen. Be proud of that. It doesn't mean you're better than anyone else, just that you learned and did the work. No need to hide that you're willing to work hard and that you're capable of learning and getting better, and that you have enough introspection to see that it wasn't just luck, it was how you went about it that counted.
So--You are men who MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. Captains of Your Fates, Masters of Your Destinies!!!
Apologies: You don't apologize for being masterful, or for human imperfections. You don't apologize for things you have no control over, because they are not your responsibility. You can empathize, lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on, even say that you're "sorry things are so poopy right now", but you don't need to apologize.
You apologize when you are really sorry for something YOU did wrong, for whatever reason.
If our S's are upset and it's their own actions that put them there, I say, let them feel those emotions. It's not our job to protect them from the fallout of their behavior.
It's also not our job to punish them or make them see the light.
They are not children. It shows no respect for them as individuals and certainly doesn't make them feel warm and fuzzy towards us.
All right then.
Carry on, Gentlemen.
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
