As a newbie, I am not sure I can add anything to the sage advice that GG has given you, but as usual, her words gave great insight. My STBX is a person with low self-esteem who CONSTANTLY apologizes for stuff and I see, after reading her comments to you, how that has affected both of us and our M. I have urged him to get counseling on many occasions and I have thought about seeking it myself to learn how to better deal with it. I will start my IC next week and he has the opportunity to do so as well, but whether he does or not is on him. Sorry for hijacking your post, Jim, but I have read your posts and followed you and think you sound like a nice man and I wish you all the best. And, thanks GG for the insight. While it was meant for Jim, I gleaned some good things from it that I can use to apply to myself and my own situation.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Your W is responsible for her own happiness just as you are responsible for your own feelings of rejection. Neither of you can change this for the other. By managing your reaction to the feelings of insecurity and rejection you are improving any interaction.
If W is looking for any OM to make her happy then this won't work either for too long. It is a heavy burden to carry for an OM. This is w job. If Jim has managed his reaction to these requests with clear kind boundary remarks then Jim is the strong one even if vulnerable. A recent conversation with my H: H " you need to be a better wife, you are not getting the food that I like......etc me: " I feel very uncomfortable when I think I am responsible for your food because you can buy the food you like to eat. If there are specific things you like can I have a list please" H: " you should know, if you were interested in blah blah Me: " it would be helpful if you gave me a list. Otherwise would you prefer to get your own? H gave me the list Not saying that's perfect but I stumbled through it. Acting as if there was no rant, 7 on 10 for effort but I didn't end up owning responsibility for H's food choices. Simples Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 11/19/1406:01 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Your W is responsible for her own happiness just as you are responsible for your own feelings of rejection. Neither of you can change this for the other. By managing your reaction to the feelings of insecurity and rejection you are improving any interaction.
If W is looking for any OM to make her happy then this won't work either for too long. It is a heavy burden to carry for an OM. This is w job. If Jim has managed his reaction to these requests with clear kind boundary remarks then Jim is the strong one even if vulnerable. A recent conversation with my H: H " you need to be a better wife, you are not getting the food that I like......etc me: " I feel very uncomfortable when I think I am responsible for your food because you can buy the food you like to eat. If there are specific things you like can I have a list please" H: " you should know, if you were interested in blah blah Me: " it would be helpful if you gave me a list. Otherwise would you prefer to get your own? H gave me the list Not saying that's perfect but I stumbled through it. Acting as if there was no rant, 7 on 10 for effort but I didn't end up owning responsibility for H's food choices. Simples Vanilla
9.5 from the US Judge (picture me holding up a rectangle of cardboard with 9.5 written in magic marker.)
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Setting aside the big message about being secure, confident and generally more 'alpha' protector like (not rescuer); I think one of the other takeaway messages is that in my communication with my W I would do better to be clearer about my rationale in order to reduce the chance of it being taken as criticism.
That and there is some really good advice about.
In general situation news I had a really positive interaction with W this evening about D3 school application. We talked through a few things and there was a lot of laughing and joking and silliness but overall it was easy because we are both on the same page with what we want for our kids.
She also made reference to the fact we bought this house because of the school (which we did) where as a few weeks ago she was saying I'd forced her here and 'was using the school place to hold her hostage'. So this is a really positive change in perspective on this issue at least.
She was also clear about leaving the M
the whole evenings interaction was maybe 15 minutes after which she shut herself in her room while I caught up on The Blacklist
Last edited by jim0987; 11/19/1410:50 PM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Jim- I read your comment on Mozza's thread and I must say - you gotta love a guy who uses a "Frozen" metaphor, (although now the song will be stuck in my head for the rest of the day).
you gotta love a guy who uses a "Frozen" metaphor;)
I hate to burst the frozen bubble, but after BD and W left the first day or so, I texted her about the song from the "first time in forever" about finally understanding and that we could do this together. It didn't work
Well, I guess there was no OM that Anna needed to deal with...just saying.
I guess Anna had her own relationship triangle going on anyway.
This was during my pursuing phase, before DR. Anyway, I guess it's good that I can look back and chuckle about it.
Last edited by MCS; 11/20/1412:57 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
In general situation news I had a really positive interaction with W this evening about D3 school application. We talked through a few things and there was a lot of laughing and joking and silliness but overall it was easy because we are both on the same page with what we want for our kids.
She also made reference to the fact we bought this house because of the school (which we did) where as a few weeks ago she was saying I'd forced her here and 'was using the school place to hold her hostage'. So this is a really positive change in perspective on this issue at least.
She was also clear about leaving the M
the whole evenings interaction was maybe 15 minutes after which she shut herself in her room while I caught up on The Blacklist
You know 100% of what they say......
And only 50% of what they do
Vanilla
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Felt a bit downhearted about the prospects for reconciliation after the last 24hrs. W got very impatient for me to leave work - I was a bit late but then I had stuff to do and was talking to D3. But there was general annoyance at me.
At one point she was getting stressed by the kids and I carried on getting ready. After a few minutes I asked if she needed a hand and was snapped at. Afterward I wondered if my offer to help was being seen as me judging her or patronising her but then I suppose I was indirectly saying 'it doesn't look like you can cope'. I think I need to be careful of how and when I offer help.
Anyways to get myself out of my downheartedness I decided to do a bit of a positive personal inventory (i spend enough time on the things i dont like) and I came up with a few good things about me that make me a good catch. Felt better for this and to an extent managed to check the guilt reflex that kicked in for being nice about myself.
Off to Paris tonight for what should be a really good weekend. I'm looking forward to it.
I do however want to send my W a TM that says 'I hope you know I'd rather be going to Paris with you. Kiss the kids for me and have a good weekend'
Ive not said anything to indicate I don't want a D or that I want her back for about 6 weeks. I assume she knows because of my occasional slip ups (touching her arm, lingering look etc.) But at the same time I know a few weeks ago she assumed I'm dating - which I'm not. When we first got together she made me chase her for about 3 months before saying yes because she was worried what other people would think even though I knew she wanted me (doesn't do that with other men though?????)
Anyways enough ramblings I have a Paris bound train to catch.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
