still holding on - 5

[u-turn]

I am having a bad weekend - not feeling detached. I definitely felt better when she was gone last weekend - I'm not sure what to do about this.

It seems like everything is a secret with her. To me that equates to lies (because that what it has meant before). I do not trust her and I cannot ask her to help me with that.

She wants everything to be just peachy at home - house, family, now holiday plans with family, but she does not want to commit to me.

So we will parade in front of everyone and act as if everything is great while knowing that it isn't. So to me this is all fake and I do not feel good about it.

She wants me to keep doing what I have always done with the kids, house, chores, work, while she stays so disconnected and makes her appearance for the kids and then back to her seclusion. She talks about future plans like everything is just fine. I don't want to just be the guy that takes care of everything. I really hate to sound selfish, but what is in it for me? I just want a normal life and a normal relationship with my wife and family - and I can't even tell her that.

I think she wants to keep it minimally together for the kids, but doesn't she realize that this is not a good example to set for the them? Would it be acceptable for our sons or daughter to do this to their family some day. Would she think it is acceptable for me to act this way - for me to live a double life?

I think she would ok to tear everything apart, move out, destroy everything - so she could just blame me.

just venting - thanks for listening.

[Sotto]

Hi u-turn. Sorry it's a bad weekend for you. Remember, you can't control your W - but you can control you, your boundaries, what you will and will not accept, what you can & can't live with.

If your W remains so disconnected, but also wants 'family life' maybe this is the place to focus?

[u-turn]

Thanks Toots,
I am confused whether to show her a great family life, or what one looks like without me.

Also - realized that my last sentence didn't make sense - I meant to say:

I think she would be ok (for me) to tear everything apart, move out, destroy everything - so she could just blame me.
seems whiny for me to say that again though.

[u-turn]

I received an e-mail from W this morning out of the blue. She really hasn't talked to me in a couple of weeks.

"I am trying to make it work, I am trying to be there for everyone. I am trying to actively engage and show I care….I am trying to help….because I still care enough to take care of you when you are sick.

I am frustrated, tired and don’t want to fight anymore but cannot continue to live like this."

I then received another:
"You say you love me/us but I think that it is comfortable and what we know. You say you can get past it but no matter what there will always be doubt and I don’t blame you. I am not worthy of your time or your love"

I'm not sure why she is opening up now, but I think it is because of our mutual detachment.

I'm not sure how to respond to this. I feel like I want to make a case of trying to work all of this out, but also feel like I should let her feel what she feels (though I don't know if she will just feel like I'm abandoning us).

I seem to have the same feelings as her. Just quietly fed up with feeling this way. But cannot get on the same page to work this out.

Any thoughts or opinions?
Thanks!!

[u-turn]

I then received another:
"You say you love me/us but I think that it is comfortable and what we know. You say you can get past it but no matter what there will always be doubt and I don’t blame you. I am not worthy of your time or your love"

I know I cannot control how she feels, but how do I address how I feel without seeming like I am pursuing and pressuring? It seems important to do the right thing now.

[u-turn]

I responded later in the day.
"I am not ignoring you - I just don't know exactly how to respond to this.
I disagree with this though"

I feel like I really need to respond to these messages, but don't really know what to say. In the past, these conversations have not been productive, just circled back around to OM and then my inability to move on (which in my mind is just sweeping things under the rug).

I know that e-mails are impersonal, but we do seem to get through to each other better that way right now. It does remove the emotion.

I want to ask her what she is looking for so I can determine if it is what I want too.

She knows I have doubt and issues that I haven't had before - I would like to know if she is willing to help me with those, but don't want to pressure her. I'm getting confused again.

[Little]

VALIDATE VALIDATE VALIDATE VALIDATE VALIDATE

[u-turn]

Thanks Little
I've sent back some validating - but neutral responses. I hope to keep our line of communication open.

I would like to also tell her:
"I would like to hear any solutions that you might have to get through this."

and

"I'm sorry that you feel that you are not worthy of my time and love - I do not see it that way"

[CaliGuy]

I then received another:

"You say you love me/us but I think that it is comfortable and what we know. You say you can get past it but no matter what there will always be doubt and I don’t blame you. I am not worthy of your time or your love"

Any thoughts or opinions?
Thanks!!

U-turn

This line jumped out at me.
Seems there is some guilt there, and almost like a temp check of .. can he get over the OM without punishing me the rest of my life ... coupled with I screwed up and do not deserve to be loved after what I have done.

I agree ... you have to validate here ... and I do not think you are at a point you can let all your hurt out on the table as it seems she is just trying to see if she wants to do the work it will take for R.
From what I read here ... the first phase is DBing, and its hard .. but the next phase of piecing is even harder and full of rocks on that hill. Both have to be 100% all in before that path can be traveled. .... I think she may be trying to still test where you are.

[u-turn]

Thanks Cali
I agree with this - and I don't think that there is a point to talking about my hurt. She is aware of this with all of my actions pre-db.

She SO rarely shows me any kind of hurt, guilt, or caring about temperature that it is throwing me off.

It just seems to me that she is fishing for some kind of response or action from me - can not tell what that is.