still holding on - 5

[sandi2]

Do you feel she is more distant since the trip to FL?

What happened a year ago that caused such importance of winning for her?

Has the A ended?

[u-turn]

Thanks for checking up on me Sandi-
She is more distant since the FL trip. We have not talked a lot - no affection at all. She does nice things for me every now and then - but it seems like it is making up for something she is guilty about. She is trying to make more of an effort with the kids lately though.

The winning "obsession" started when she started her new career. She was put into a bit of a position of power and that carried over to the rest of her life too. The OM fed this power attitude too.

I don't know the real status of the A. I have not asked and cannot check up on her anymore. She does still work with him and sees him every day. She does leave for a couple of hours each each weekend and usually has some excuse. She comes home a little later at night sometimes. There are no overnight stays or even prolonged times that I don't know where she says she is.

My suspicions are that she texts him a lot and is at least attached emotionally to him - and I do suspect that she lies to me and the kids about her whereabouts (small proof - mileage on cars, stories that don't make any sense).

I would love some insight - thanks

[T-Mom]

I guess it could be moving chess pieces, or maybe it is that they are truly feeling conflicted at that particular time...??? It's sometimes hard for me to remember that the spouses have all kinds of crazy going on in their heads too.

[u-turn]

It is hard to remember that sometimes. Usually my W seems have it all together and I'm the one with the crazies.

A bit of a strange interaction last night and this morning.

Last night she asked me - when is this going to end?
I asked what she meant. She said "this war"

I responded that I do not want to be at war with her. I'm sorry if you think that is what I want.

This morning she hugs me and asked if it ok if we talk over the next 4 days. I said we can talk any time.

I'm not sure what she is setting up, but I will let her initiate and lead the conversations (if there are any). I'm feeling conflicted about mentioning what I think would help our situation.

[T-Mom]

So, I am clearly new and don't know much about all the things you can and shouldn't say to your spouse. But I keep thinking about you texting her back, and kind of needing (wanting) some feedback before doing it. After the fact, people were saying that you gave too much in your texting conversation with her... so... if you don't get feedback in time, I hope that will help... even a little...

[HPoirot]

In my sitch... my W texted me... "will you pick up the phone if I call in the next 10 minutes?"

She had been texting and calling me alot after a set a boundary with her.

Vets here suggested I respond... "What is the nature of your call?"

That hit my W hard. She mentioned it when she called as being so businesslike. A big change in our communications that set the tone for everything after that... We are not friends while you're in an A.

If she texts you about your talk.. you could use something like that.

[T-Mom]

wow.... that is ice cool...

[T-Mom]

HP... any advise on how on earth to still live together???

[u-turn]

The key is to detach from all of the reminders of the negative and only focus on the positive.

I still have major troubles with this. I am still reminded of the problems by the music she plays, the times she disappears, and the lies she tells.

I should know to ignore these things but it is difficult. I try to stop all of these thoughts, but sometimes it is overwhelming.

I'm not exactly sure how this will ever work out. I know I have learned much about myself and relationships. I know I will be a better person in the end. But I do not know if I will get what I want.

[HPoirot]

HP... any advise on how on earth to still live together???

Hello T-Mom. I'm very very sorry that you are here.

I did look at your sitch. That is awful what your H said to you about seeing other people. Awful and wrong.

I have made many many mistakes since my BD. Mostly b/c of my anger. At my W for not dropping her OM relationship (even though I understand as I had my own A). But I'm finding I'm angry more and more at myself too. She gave me so many opportunities to fix this and I was clueless.

To your question... living with the WAS you've got to be your best self in front of him. More honest... more strong... more positive... more happy... more poised... more together... more patient... more loving... more you. This is likely the best opportunity you'll ever have to break through to your best self and your best life. I've always known pain is the best motivator. I thought I had experienced that before. I had no idea until now.

So, in my very humble opinion, I suggest to create a written fantastic vision for your life a year from now. Where YOU want to be with or without WAS. Make some short term plans to get there. Start moving towards them today. Make a small goal to get there everyday. Small easy successes so you can start to feel good right away. Keep your mind there as much as you can and keep going. Stay present by looking forward and working to get there. Just keep busy on improving your life. Give it a purpose. GAL, 180s, any complains you've heard from WAS... write then down and then work on them daily.

Then, when you interact with your WAS, be upbeat as much as possible. Act as if every interaction will be pleasant even enjoyable. Be enjoyable b/c you have a life to look forward to... you have a vision. If WAS is down and crying... listen but don't comfort. Stand away from arms length of WAS, lean back not forward, keep a poker face, and end the conversation early on your terms. If WAS is being cruel... calmly and kindly let him know you see he's upset and you won't be treated that way. Then walk away. If WAS is kind... politely accept the kindness. Always work to feel relaxed and to expect nothing from WAS. That is the worst... when WAS senses you expect something you can get crushed. Please don't get crushed. And, don't be rude. Cheerfully say good morning and expect nothing in return. Warmly say good night and expect nothing in return. Politely don't help with anything they can't do themselves. If they ask, warmly be clear you're not going to do what they ask b/c it's not appropriate. Separation from you is what he wants... lovingly give it to him.

Most important... do not talk about your R or M! Make more light, fun conversation. Find things to talk about. DO something interesting in your day to talk about. Be interesting for yourself and he may ask you about what your doing. Don't complain.... but if something he does bothers you... ask here how to set that specific boundary and then bravely do it. Don't tolerate talk about OW. Ask here what too say and then say it.

I know. All this seems impossible. I screw up everyday. I hate living like this. I miss my W. She gives me nothing when just a few weeks ago things seemed different. I would give anything for this to change.

So I have to give her what she wants. I have to put my needs and my M on the shelf and be the strong one for me, her, and my family. I have no guarantees my M will renew. If I'm honest... I can admit nothing in life is guaranteed. Now I just have to live with that fact and fear in my face every single day.

Do your best. Take care of yourself. Listen to to vets here. They are wonderful people. Come here for support and strength when you need it. Help others when you can. Let your anger and pain out here if you need to. Work hard not to show your pain to your H. Keep going. It will get better.

It will.